


Color Blind

by tyuoi



Series: Saccharine Wishes [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Child Abuse, Delusions, Drug Dealing, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gen, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Substance Abuse, Temporary Amnesia, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:24:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 72,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2379809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyuoi/pseuds/tyuoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger has become a lifeless soul, going through the motions without any purpose in life, picking himself up after each fall until he starts to question if there's anything worth getting up for.<br/>After the night he met his college professor, which he can only classify as a mistake, Eren soon realizes that even if he can't get up on his own he can still accept a helping hand.</p><p> </p><p>--on hiatus until I figure out my own freaking story and I'm able to write correctly--</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bruised Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey hey.. Ok so I'm a bit new at this so don't be too harsh but do leave comments and reviews so I can see how I'm doing.  
> Alternative title "Eren you should've listened to that rhyme about stranger danger"

The cold, brisk air from outside was quickly replaced with warmth and the smell of whiskey as Eren stepped into the familiar bar. Shrugging the hood of his jacket off, he walked to the bar. Eren inhaled a couple of times and tapped his fingers nervously on the drink-stained surface. Why he was here; he had no clue, but it felt like the best choice due to his current predicament. Eren shut his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. His eyes flew open at the sound of someone’s glass being slammed down onto the wood. He scanned the room for the source of noise and his eyes met a setoff eyes the color of gunmetal grey. The rest of the man did not differ far from his eyes; he looked fucking pissed. Eren started to fidget under the man’s unwavering stare.

“Eren?”

Eren swayed his attention to the person who called his name. Annie Leonhart. Annie had been in Eren’s high school ever since she moved here with Reiner and Bertholdt, those two never left her side, and after school ended Annie had started working at the local bar. Usually, it was rare to see a minor working at a bar; however, the owner, Hannes, was fond of Annie and couldn’t care less about laws and their constrictions.

She stood there with her usual indifferent expression, cleaning a glass with a white rag.

Eren cringed. Even if Hannes allowed Annie to work at the bar it did not mean that anyone else her age or under twenty-one was allowed to set foot in the bar. So, he could see why this appeared odd to the blonde in front of him.

“Hey. Could you get Hannes for me I need to talk to him?” Eren did his best to pull off a pleading look but his nerves did well of getting rid of any confidence left in his body.

She gave him one more suspicious glance before sighing and disappearing into the back.

A shiver coursed through Eren as he realized that he was still being watched. He turned to the man and sure enough he was staring at Eren with the same cold expression before, holding the glass in his hand so firmly Eren was afraid it would shatter. The sound of shuffling broke his attention from the strange man.

“What’s wrong, Eren?” Hannes ran a hand down his mouth and Eren could tell he was irritated; he couldn’t blame him. It was the middle of the night and only an hour before closing and now all hopes of closing the shop early were ruined by Eren.

Eren ruffled his hair a bit before looking up at Hannes. Eren gritted his teeth. “I kind of need a place to stay for the night.”                                                                  

* * *

“Why can’t you just stay at home?”

Eren avoided Hannes questioning stare and settled for looking at the ground instead. It was clean, probably because Annie had cleaned recently. He wasn’t even sure why the hell he came to Hannes but at the time who couldn’t think of anyone else to go to. Well, there was Armin and some of his other friends but if showed up at their doorstep in the middle of the night asking for a place to stay it would surely raise questions. Plus, college started tomorrow and Eren really didn’t want to disturb any of his friends sleep.

Hannes probably realized that he wasn’t going to get a straight answer out of the green eyed boy so he settled for simply sighing, which had to have been the umpteenth time tonight, and placed his hand on Eren’s shoulder.

“Go get cleaned up. I’m sure Annie will let you sleep at hers after closing.”

Eren cheered up immediately at the news and exclaimed a quick thank you to both Hannes and Annie before heading towards the bars bathroom.

Hannes never pushed to ask why Eren was so deathly afraid of his home but Eren was sure he had an idea. He knew he could count on Hannes; when there was no other adult to lean on in his life, Hannes was always around. Eren didn’t know why Hannes even bothered with him; maybe he pitied Eren since the first time he met him.

It was a week after his mother died and Eren couldn’t handle the growing tension in his house so he had run away.

_Eren hugged the cool chain of the park’s swing set and let his head hang low watching his feet dangle above the ground. No one understood him. No one cared. Why wasn’t his dad looking for him? It had been almost an entire day since he proclaimed he was leaving; Grisha had just sat there too consumed with the drink in his hand to notice that his ten year old son had left the sorrowful home. Mikasa had been shut in her room at the moment and Eren assumed she hadn’t heard him or at least she didn’t believe the boy who could barely hold his own against school bullies would run away from his only safe haven. Maybe she didn’t care if Eren was gone and out of his life; after all, it’s not like they were related. Perhaps this way she would finally be free and wouldn’t have to follow Eren around 24/7 to make sure he wouldn’t stick his nose where it belonged._

_The sun was starting to become less and less prominent in the sky and Eren started to wonder if he would have to spend the night on the streets. He could go see if Armin and his grandfather would let him stay over, but they would probably just take him home. He could sneak into Armin’s and not tell his grandfather. But Armin being Armin would just go report to his grandfather saying “It’s the right thing to do, Eren. You need to go home.”_

_Exasperated, Eren lifted his head to look up at the darkening sky hoping that maybe the resolutions to all of his problems would be written in between the white plush clouds. He heard the sound of feet scraping against gravel and he thought maybe another kid came to play on the swings but when he looked over he saw only a middle-aged man. The man was blonde and always smelled heavily of alcohol and usually looked like he was about to rip your spine out at any moment. Now, he was approaching Eren with a much softer look._

_“What are you doing out so late, boy?” He kneeled in front of Eren so they would be eye-level and he would seem less menacing. Eren pondered whether to tell the strange man the truth but even if wanted to speak up it felt like his tongue had knotted and his throat had become impossibly dry. Tears welled up in Eren’s big turquoise eyes and he fell right onto a very astonished Hannes. Eren hugged him so tightly, scared that if he let go the reassuring man would be gone and would be replaced by the cool darkness of the night. The man pat Eren’s soft head and cooed into his ear, “that everything would be just fine.” And Eren had believed him; for the first time since his mother died Eren felt safe-he felt loved. Hannes was right; everything was going to be alright. He walked Eren home, Eren clutching the man’s hand loosely; no longer afraid he would leave him too. On the way there Eren had spewed out everything that was happening and Hannes had given him what had to be the most sympathetic look ever as Eren continued babbling. When they reached the front steps of Eren’s home, Mikasa was there waiting for him._

_"Eren!” She ran and hugged the small boy fiercely, but soon her relieved face was replaced with anger. “Where were you? I was worried sick.” All previous thoughts and doubts of Mikasa’s love for Eren where erased. After Eren stumbled out a sorry excuse of an explanation she let go of him and studied the man beside Eren._

_“And who are you?” She asked, narrowing her eyes. Eren explained to Mikasa who Hannes was and the man kneeled and patted Mikasa’s head, much to her annoyance._

_“Look after your brother. He seems like the type to get in trouble.” Mikasa grinned at his correct prediction and Eren whined and with that Hannes left._

Eren had been talking to Hannes in the back so when he walked into the bar and no longer saw the man sitting in the back he was relieved and a bit surprised. Maybe he had left considering the bar was going to close soon and he was the only customer left; maybe he left because it was three in the morning and probably had work in the morning. Either way, the man was gone and no longer unnerving Eren.

Eren pushed aside the bathroom door and winced as it brushed up against his bruised hip. He rested his elbows on the counter and splashed water in his face hoping it would calm his still heightened nerves. The smell of smoke tickled Eren’s nose and he turned around to find the man from before leaning against the back bathroom wall. Eren let out a small noise of surprise and his newly steadied heart beat raced up again. The raven haired man was wearing a black leather jacket that contrasted with his pale skin; he was holding his cigarette slightly elevated letting the smoke climb towards the vent.

“You can’t smoke in here.” Eren said and, as soon as he did he mentally slapped himself. Of course the man knew he can’t smoke in here and, that was precisely why he was letting the smoke evaporate into the vent so it wouldn’t set off the smoke alarm. There was something about the man that made Eren anxious as if he was interviewing for a new job and had showed up late.

The man raised the cigarette to his lips and took a slow drag before speaking. “You can’t be in here.” His eyes never met Eren’s as he spoke.

Eren supposed that his face was adorned with confusion because the man sighed and began to elaborate. “You’re a minor, no?”

Eren simply nodded. “How did you know?”

“Because you look like a brat.” The guy’s expression didn’t change; he didn’t even smile and try to play it off like he was joking.

Eren, for the first time in a long time, was speechless; he stood there astounded at this asshole’s confidence. All he could muster was a pissed off, “What?!”

The guy’s steel orbs finally rested on Eren and were now raking up and down his body. Eren suddenly felt naked under the man’s stare and the more he looked at the guy the less Eren could deny his attractiveness. But the guy’s attractiveness wasn’t going to make up for how big of an asshole he was.

“You’ll do.” The raven crushed the cigarette under his boot and started walking towards Eren. Eren soon realized that the guy wasn’t going to stop walking towards him and started backing up only to be cornered against a wall; and the guy kept coming to him.

What the hell was this guy doing? What did he want from Eren? Was he going to mug him? Beat him up because he was a sick man and he was into that sort of thing?

What he did do wasn’t at all what Eren expected. The raven had stopped walking until only a couple inches between the two were left and smirked. Eren eyed him warily awaiting some sort of pain to be inflicted on him for the second time that night, but it never came. He opened his eyes that he had shut when bracing himself to be punched. Now that the guy was close to Eren, which Eren wasn’t too pleased about, he noticed how short the man was. As though the guy read his mind he narrowed his eyes in anger and now Eren was sure he was going to get beaten up.

The raven leaned forward and pressed his lips firmly against Eren’s, and once again the brunette was wrong. The raven’s lips were cold and smooth; he tasted like smoke and mint.

Eren’s body was pushed harder against the wall as the man maneuvered his lips against a very confused teenager. Eren whined at the pain sprouting in his back and the guy took advantage of Eren’s open mouth and shoved his tongue in. Eren moaned in protest but made no effort to push the intoxicating man away. Instead his hands found purchase on the guy’s neck, fingers grazing against his undercut. Eren’s entire being buzzed as the man’s lips traveled down his jaw onto his neck, leaving angry red blotches. The lips left his body and so did the lingering hands and Eren found himself missing them. The man scoffed at Eren’s reaction.

“Someone’s a bit impatient.” Grey orbs widened and were filled with lust instead of indifference. Before Eren stutter out a reply, that, no he was not impatient and that this was forced upon him and counted as assault, his shirt was grabbed and he was thrown against the marble counter. Eren gasped in pain at having his back and hips battered over and over again. The man caught this and stared at the boy like he could devour Eren with one look. He quickly pounced on Eren and pulled him back into a fiery kiss. He bit the boy’s swollen lip when Eren didn’t let the man’s tongue wander the insides of his mouth. The brunette felt fingers tangle in his disheveled hair and quickly his head snapped back as his hair was painfully tugged. Eren let out a low mewl and the man chuckled slightly before attacking his vunerable neck. He bit down on Eren’s soft skin leaving red marks all the way from his jaw to his right shoulder.

Heat started to pool in Eren’s lower stomach and he knew that if they didn’t stop soon he would come undone. The raven grabbed at Eren’s bruised hips and shifted his knee in between, pressing down on Eren’s growing erection. Eren tried to stifle a moan into the man’s shoulder.

“Stop, I want to hear you.” The raven’s warm breath enveloped Eren’s ear and he shuttered at the words. How could a complete stranger have this effect on him? Eren started leaving small chaste kisses along the pale neck he pressed his face into. Cold hands traced their way up Eren’s waist as Eren bit lightly on the man’s earlobe which he quickly found out was sensitive after receiving a low groan.

“God, you’re such a brat.” The voice was low and husky and turned Eren on even more.

“And, you’re an asshole.” Eren gasped out playing with the man’s weak spots. The man laughed slightly.

“Can’t argue much on that o-one-“ Eren used that moment to tug harshly on his earlobe. Eren smiled at himself, prideful.

“Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face.” The man then pressed his lips back to Eren’s neglected ones. How he knew Eren was grinning, Eren had no clue but he was too preoccupied with the short ravens rolling hips to continue pondering. The man’s sharp hips started grinding into Eren’s leaving Eren in a moaning mess. He started to pull at one of the boy’s nipples overwhelming Eren into overdrive. He bucked his hips up against the stranger, hoping to find more friction. The raven responded to Eren’s pleas and moved his hand down to paw at Eren’s heated crotch. He slipped his cold hand down Eren’s pants and grasped his shaft tightly, causing Eren’s breath to hitch in his throat. Eren threw his head back as the man gave a few slow tugs; he pressed lightly onto the head, wet with precum. Eren let out a lewd moan into the man’s ear which made him harden against Eren’s pressed knee. Eren wanted more. He wanted to taste every inch of this man’s body but his wish was not fulfilled.

The hand in his pants disappeared and Eren frowned as the other hand and his dizzying mouth left as well. Eren opened his lust-filled eyes to see the raven haired man wiping the back of his hand across his wet mouth. He was leaving, now. In the middle of… and Eren was still… Eren couldn’t form a coherent thought to save his life and the asshole could tell. He smirked and ran his fingers through his black hair.

“Wait.” The unbearably attractive man raised his brows at Eren’s demand.

“What’s your name?” Eren asked frantically not wanting to lose all connection with the enticing man.

“Tch,” he started to push the bathroom door open, “not for you to know, brat.”

Green eyes stared at the empty place where his lover- No, where the stranger once stood. Shifting his body into gear he pushed hastily through the door to follow the man and demand a name but the bar was empty save for a very confused and agitated Annie.


	2. Nostalgic Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Levi is constantly pissed and Hanji is a nosy butthole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o dear god you have no idea how glad I am that I don't have to describe Levi solely by man or guy.  
> ok well this is all in Levi's pov and doesn't have much Eren in it but I wanted to set the mood for his every day life and a peek of his past ^^

**Levi**

Wind thrashed at the few ends of hair that poked out of Levi’s helmet. His hands were whipped sore by the harsh breezes and started to feel like they would fall off from frostbite; somewhere in the middle of (whatever the hell happened in the bar’s bathroom) he had forgotten his gloves. He gripped the bike’s handles tighter intertwining between different lanes, trying to escape being stuck behind a slow car. Luckily enough for Levi, it was four in the morning so the highway wasn’t as littered with drivers as usual. Flashing colors on billboards dashed up into his field of vision. One was a vibrant green one; something about the gecko and car insurance.

A certain pair of emerald eyes popped into his mind causing Levi to growl. He couldn’t think of him; he was a one night fling-something to take his mind off of frustrations. It’s not like he’d ever see him again. That is unless they happened to bump into each other at the same bar; it looked like the kid-Levi thought he heard the bartender call him Eren- came there often or was at least acquainted with the owner and staff. Levi noted to never go to the bar again and hope that the boy would stay where he belonged: in his never-ending, long-ass list of drunken mistakes.

But he couldn’t really blame the night’s events on alcohol, considering he was driving mediocrely well. No. Something else had intoxicated Levi to the point of putting his hands where they didn’t belong; it was something about that brat. The second the unkempt boy had stumbled into the bar, Levi’s eyes never left him; no matter how many times he had attempted to. Maybe it was the fact his eyes were so unguarded, showing every single emotion he felt. He was terrified- that he could tell. But underneath the overriding anxiety that plagued the potent eyes, there was a glint of emotion that Levi hadn’t seen in a very, very long time. And the memories the jade orbs brought back were ones he wasn’t overly fond of.

Levi found himself gripping the handlebars to his bike hard enough to make the rubber ridges dig into the flesh of his palms and make his white knuckles pale even more.

Once he got to the familiar parking lot, he got off and made his way to his apartment.

After he stripped and showered he got into bed, knowing he would most likely not sleep that night. He closed his eyes, hoping that insomnia would take the night off for once; as always, hope got him nowhere. He started to drift back into thought about the kid from the bar-who for the love of god could not have his name remembered- when his phone buzzed, lighting up the room with a dull glow.

Levi hadn’t bothered to check caller ID which was instantly regretted, when a very excited Hanji began to scream into his ear.

“Levi! What are you doing up? You should be in bed! Your first day of teaching begins tomorrow!” Hanji’s eager voice echoed through the receiver. Levi grunted in annoyance.

“What the hell are you calling me for then?” He rubbed his tired eyes.

“It’s not like you were sleeping,” she was right there, “you are going to show up tomorrow, right?”

“Of course I am. Erwin would have my ass on a plate if I didn’t.”

Hanji chuckled slightly at his comment. “Good, good.” There was a suspicious tone to her voice that did not please Levi in the slightest.

“Hanji,” he warned, “what the fuck are you up to?”

Hanji gasped dramatically, “What would make you think I was up to something?”

“Because you can’t go three damn seconds without conjuring up an experiment, which usually ends up with the people involved committing mass suicide.”

She giggled. Oh dear god. She giggled.

Whenever Hanji Zoe was planning something absolutely horrendous, she giggled. The last time she had giggled Levi had ended up drunk and passed out on Christmas Eve, wearing nothing besides, what had to have been the ugliest sweater to ever cross his path, on Erwin’s couch; the game had been: how shit-faced can we get Levi before he passes out and whoever takes the best picture, frames it, and puts it in the most random places so that he’ll find it in the worst possible moments, wins. Once he had found out that they had placed a mini-sized version right behind his ID in his wallet; try explaining that one to the traumatized cashier who asked for his ID but ended up accidently needing three years of therapy instead.

“I have to go, Moblit will kill me if I stay up one more night working on my… err-experiments,” she sighed, her voice calmed, “he threatened to throw out my lab equipment if I got to work late tomorrow.”

“Did I ever tell you how much I like your fiancée?”

Levi could practically hear the brunette roll her eyes behind her thick glasses.

“Bye bye, Levi! Get some sleep. Oh and don’t forget your lesson plans. That happened to me once and I ended up improvising but then all my frogs got out before I dissected them and they were everywhere. One student complained to Erwin that she found one in her backpack; I swear that was the day I-

“For the love of god, shut the fuck up Hanji and go to sleep.”

Levi didn’t hang around to hear her reply and instead hung up on her. He stared up at the ceiling and thought that maybe Hanji’s mouth diarrhea had tired him out to the point he might actually get some shut eye.

As his eyes involuntarily closed and he drifted off into sleep, orbs the shade of sea green burned into the back of his eye lids.

 

* * *

 

“Oh, fuck no.”

Levi practically saw red as he stood in the university’s hallways gripping the papers in his hands until they crumpled. He was shaking with rage; this was so much worse than the Christmas Eve photo prank, this was just cruel. What the hell was Hanji thinking- if she was thinking at all?

A very awkward and nervous Petra Ral stood at the other end of the hall, clutching the hem of her dress in sweaty shaking hands. Her amber eyes shook with fear and her lips were pressed into a thin line.

Levi felt Hanji clasp his shoulders. “What he means is that he’s happy to see you. Right, Levi?”

Levi looked back at Hanji’s spreading grin and gave her a look that said “you have got to be shitting me”.

“Hell no. I don’t want her here I don’t even want to breathe the same air as her let alone whatever the fuck you thought was going to happen.” He said, speaking through clenched teeth spitting out the word, her, as if it tasted sour in his mouth. He loved Hanji. He truly did; she had been one of the only friends who stuck by him after everything went to shit, but she had to have held the title for world’s greatest fuck up. Levi wasn’t sure what she was expecting to happen once Levi was presented with the person who he probably resented the most in this world.

“I told you this would be a bad idea.” Petra’s gaze turned from afraid to slightly irritate and never settled to look at Levi.

“Nonsense. I expected this to be Levi’s reaction.” Hanji spoke in a soft, tranquil voice.

Levi shook off Hanji’s clammy hands and disregarded her comment; he took a step forward demanding Petra to look him in the eyes when he spoke. “You’re damn right this was a bad idea. Where the hell have you been? It’s been six fucking years since you just got up and ran away- since you left me. So tell me, how the hell you thought I would ever want to see your face again?” Petra’s guilt ridden eyes averted Levi’s glare and looked down at her feet instead.

“Levi.” Hanji’s voice warned from behind, but Levi couldn’t hear her past his wrath.

“Why are you here? I’m finally back up again, better than ever and now you show up. What do you want? Money? To be forgiven? Because if you thought you would come in here and I would jump with joy at the sight of you and immediately forgive the fact that you-god,” he growled in frustration.

“Why? I don’t understand. Just don’t get it. Don’t you guys understand that I want nothing to do with you? I’m done with that shit. I’m done with the past for all I care it never even happened.” He got closer and closer to the honey-blonde until he was basically inches away from her. He put a finger on her chest. “Why did you leave? Why did you leave _me_? We needed you, I needed you.” _I loved you_ he thought but did not say it out loud for fear that it was true.

Petra started to sob. “Don’t you think I know that? I had no choice, Rivialle.”

“No choice? You always had a choice! You could’ve stayed with me! You could’ve helped me. You should’ve been there. For _her._ But you weren’t you ran away like you always have. You’re a coward. You all were. Listen to me,” he seethed, “look at me, Ral.” He grabbed her chin in his shaking hand and forced her to look into his eyes. “I will never go back. You can tell Farlan to shove it up his ass because there is no way I will ever go back there again. And I will never forgive you.”

He let go of Petra not caring to see if she was still crying, and started to walk past Hanji. “Write that in your lab journal, Zoe.”

 

* * *

 

Levi had settled down by the time students started to roll into his classroom. He taught through a bored expression but his mind never wandered far from Petra and the dark past she brought with her. For once his brain wasn’t stuck on the one track tape of green eyes and caramel skin, but now that it was he deeply wished he could go back. But things were never so simple. Just like how in horror movies the characters can never find the door that read exit, Levi couldn’t find the one that escaped his past.

Most of the students wrote down notes during class after they realized he wasn’t a fan of mind-boggling questions and few bothered to introduce themselves after class ended. It’s not like he would remember their names anyways. He had three classes all with around fifty enrolled students, there was no way his mind could store that many names, even if he wanted to.

When lunch rolled around Hanji showed up bearing gifts, his favorite coffee and scones, as a form of apology. Levi, very much disgruntled, accepted it. Not that it was needed though. He and Hanji both knew that the fury that boiled down deep in his stomach wasn’t directed towards her.

Erwin had stopped by after the day ended and offered to talk; he had probably heard what had happened or maybe he heard Levi’s yelling from this morning himself and had decided not to interfere. Levi shooed him off and told him the day he had a “feelings” talk with Erwin was the day Erwin should admit him to a mental ward. He packed up after that and headed home.

He long knew before he got there that unlike the night before there were no chances of sleep and settled instead for a glass of bourbon and an old book he hadn’t read in a while.

When morning decided to show he went for a quick run.

The air was chilling and autumn was starting to make its presence. It was far too early for workers to be out and Levi basked in the pleasure of solitude. He ran and ran until he reached the outskirts of Manhattan and decided to turn back; the sun was starting to peek over the horizon.

Even though he killed the next hour showering and getting ready for work, once he finally showed up to work it was still too early and he was the first one there. He took this time to walk around and inspect the campus-they needed to get better custodians was the only conclusion he came to.

Soon enough though staff and students started to pour in and his first class started. The university was huge and consisted of three different sections on campus: Maria, Sina, and Rose. So when one of his students stumbled in late and halfway through his lecture, he wasn’t surprised. He suspected it was one of the few who were absent the day before- seriously who the hell is gone on their first day of college- but when he turned around to ask for his name he was greeted with more than just another annoying brat. And suddenly he was able to place the name that he heard, to the boy with the pair of green eyes that haunted his every thought the past couple days.

Eren.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be in Eren's pov. did you guys like having the pov from Levi? should I like do that in the future or nah?
> 
>  
> 
> *if there are any misspellings or incorrect usages of words or something tell me and I'll try to fix it as soon as I can*


	3. Raindrops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there will be physical and verbal abuse in this chapter so if that triggers you don't read

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had writer's block for 123% of this chapter so if it sucks I apologize (its also really fucking short omg)

“What the hell took you so long?”

Eren stared out the car window, watching the raindrops race each other down the clear glass. Annie’s disgruntled voice barely registered in Eren’s mind; he was too busy thinking of other things to realize he’d just been asked a question. What he was thinking of- that he wasn’t certain of. Too many thoughts jumbled in his mind, one pushing the other out only to be eradicated soon after as well.

The heat that had pooled in his lower stomach earlier that night had vanished without trace and was soon replaced with an uncomfortable sinking sensation. Something bad was going to happen soon; Eren learned the hard way that his gut instincts were never wrong. When it would happen: that was the question. He was safe for the night, but he knew the hours he spent avoiding home never lasted long. The more time he was away, the more his anxiety grew, because the second he stepped over the threshold that separated reality from hell, he was utterly and royally screwed. Even so, the longer he was capable of prolonging the inevitable the better.

He rested his head on the cool window and gazed at one of the raindrops roll down the glass, sometimes slow and other times rapid, knocking down others as it went; halfway it stopped and joined another traveling drop. They merged into one and fell down the window together. Eren sighed. No matter how stupid it sounded he envied the water droplet. It moved freely and was never stopped. Hell, the morsel of H20 had managed to find companionship and find the end- of the window that is- but the end no less. Eren wasn’t like that. He was stuck. Stuck in this terrible dimension of his own personal hell and he could not run. It’s not that he didn’t want to run he just knew he couldn’t. Eren could barely manage doing what he could now. He woke up, went through pain, left, saw his friends, pretended to be “Eren” (which also hurt; there wasn’t much left in his life that wasn’t agonizing), got back home, went through pain again, went to bed, dreamt, and woke up in pain. Then the cycle began again.

Even in sleep he couldn’t escape it all. The little sleep he was allowed to have would always be rudely interrupted by nightmares and screaming and tears. He would wake up weeping, his heart raked with anguish, his chest hollower than the day before. It sucked ass. That was the only way he could put it. It all just fucking sucked. But it was the life he was given and no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t find the return address.

“Hey,” Annie snapped her fingers in his face, “are you done taking the hobbit’s unexpected journey over there because I asked you a question one I totally apologize for. I had no clue the answer would be this elusive.”

Eren grunted and muttered an apology. The blonde’s sour face softened when she looked at Eren; maybe she knew how much effort it required him to do the simplest of things these days.

“Well, I’m sure Reiner and Bert are asleep already and if you don’t wake them up, you won’t get your ass chewed.

“You know one day you’re gonna have to explain to me why you’re basically my third roommate.” She paused and tried her best to give the brunette a sincere smile but it looked awkward on her stoic face; she tried at least.

“I will,” Eren averted his attention back to the window, “I just can’t right now.”

“Alright, alright. But you have to tell me then who you were sucking face with in the bathroom.”

Eren had forgotten all about the bathroom and the man that had occupied his time in it. And suddenly he missed Annie’s interrogation and his earlier whirlwind thoughts because it sure was fucking better than how he felt now. He was sure he didn’t look to good either; from the heat that covered ninety-eight percent of his face he was sure he looked like he had just spent the day in Hawaii without sunblock.

“I-I well he was uh… his names err and I wasn’t,” Eren laughed nervously, “How did you know?”

Annie smirked, “Oh honey, you were loud.”

Eren’s eyes widened to the size of baseballs and he was impressed that they didn’t fall out of his head.

“That and the guy left like three seconds before you did.” She wasn’t looking at him while she talked but her lips were slightly turned upwards.

Eren wasn’t sure how to answer her question. He didn’t know the man; he was practically a stranger. Well, strangers don’t tend to do what they did. And it wasn’t like he didn’t try to get past being strangers. It was that the man was determined to stay as strangers; he didn’t even tell Eren his name when asked. He obviously thought of it all as fling or a mistake. Either way, he planned on not seeing Eren again. Maybe he had serious trust issues and didn’t want to tell people his identity. What if he couldn’t let people know his identity? Maybe he was a killer. Eren frowned at the thought; hopefully, he wasn’t his next victim.

“I don’t know. I’ve never met him before, and I don’t plan on doing it again.” He lied partially. He had never met the man, that part was true, but the thought of never seeing him again didn’t settle well with Eren.

Annie scoffed. She probably didn’t believe him but that didn’t bother Eren. She could think whatever the hell she wanted to as long as she didn’t think he was- “I didn’t know you swung that way.”

Eren practically shot out of his seat. “I’m not gay.”

Annie’s eyebrows rose condescendingly. “Really? Because usually if you fuck another man it means you’re gay, or at least bi. It’s all okay with me; really, I could care less who gets you off. Just surprised that’s all.”

Eren waved his hands frantically. “I didn’t fuck him!”

“So he fucked you?”

“Oh my god, no.”

“Does this mean you’re a bottom? That’s weird the other guy was puny. Are you into that stuff?”

Eren covered his face shamefully and continued to deny everything she proposed in small muffled noises.

Annie chuckled. “Hey Jaegar, its fine I’m just messing with you.” She reached over and tousled his already messy head.

“Please don’t tell Mikasa, or Armin, or for god sake’s Jean. I don’t know what the hell that even was; I don’t need everyone knowing.” Eren didn’t look up to see if his request was confirmed but he guessed it was when she softly patted his back.

The rest of the car ride was quiet save for Annie’s barely audible humming and Eren was glad; he wasn’t sure he could survive any further embarrassment. When they got to the studio apartment Annie’s prediction was confirmed; the two other males had already retreated to their rooms and were sleeping. Annie gave him a small genuine smile before she left, one he hadn’t seen before.

As he lay on the beer stained couch and he drifted to sleep to the sound of faint snoring he started to think about the next day. He wondered what his first day of college would be like- if he got there.

 

* * *

 

 

Eren had managed to sneak out of the apartment before his friends woke up and silently cursed himself once he realized he left all his stuff at home. He would have to go back unless he wanted to show up to the university with nothing, and something told him his professors wouldn’t be too happy about that. Even though all of this was true he couldn’t convince himself that opening the door to his house was a good idea. His stomach started to do that thing that it does when you’re on a fast rollercoaster and he wasn’t sure how his key managed to fit in the keyhole due to his hands spastic trembling. He took one last breath before pushing the door open. Eren never hated an inanimate object as much as he did now and practically glared knives into the creaking door.

He hastily made his way down the long stretch of hallway that led to the front stairs. He looked to his left. No one. He let out a shaky breath he didn’t even notice he had been holding in. He only succeeded in making it three steps up the stairs before he realized someone was in the living room sitting in a lounge chair. Fucking Jesus Christ he didn’t check right. Only one person sat in that specific chair and he didn’t even need any light to know that his dad was there, most likely with a drink in his hand.

“Where did you go last night? It’s very rude to leave in the middle of a conversation. You should know that by now.” His father’s authoritative voice was calm but cut through the air like an arrow. The “conversation” his father was speaking of was like no other conversation he’d ever had. Most of the times conversations consist of two or more people talking, not one person yelling and pushing the other into a marble counter. At least that conversation wasn’t as bad as the ones he usually had with his dad, but that was because he ran away before it did.

Eren gulped and stepped off the stairs. Going upstairs wouldn’t make a difference; his dad would only follow him and that would surely wake his sister up. His quivering hand gripped the railing and his eyes searched the room. There was no point in leaving again. Where would he go? He couldn’t go to class; he didn’t have the stuff he came for. If he ran away again he would have to come back eventually. It was better if he got this all over with and just went to class afterwards. But something told him he wouldn’t be able to go to class today. He sighed. He wouldn’t even go to the first day of college. Mikasa would be pissed.

He clenched his jaw as his dad got off the chair and started sauntering over to him. He was drunk that was for sure. He would probably forget everything that would ensue in the next couple of hours and would wake up like nothing ever happened. It was probably what he wanted. That’s how things worked. It’s how they always did.

“Answer when you’re talked to.” His voice was now rougher and sounded nothing like the man that read the paper in the morning as Mikasa made breakfast. It sounded nothing like the man who taught him how to fish. No. This man was nothing like his father. What stood before him now was a monster; nothing like Grisha Jaegar. And that was okay. Because it meant his father was still good; it meant he still loved his son.

Eren tried to reply but the words caught in his throat.

The hand that held his drinking glass rammed forward and connected with Eren’s upper cheek with a sickening crunch. Pain shot through his entire body and he fell to the ground caressing his wounded face. Tears sprang to his eyes but he made no sound. It would only further anger the beast. A small trickle of blood ran down his temple and onto his still quaking hands. He was surprised the glass hadn’t broken but it no longer was in his dad’s hand.

His father grunted in anger. “Get up.” A pain rippled through his side as he was kicked forcefully. “Get the fuck up, you disrespectful piece of shit.” Eren made no effort to move; he couldn’t. His head was hazy and all he knew was pain. It was everywhere and it was the only thing his brain could register any longer. Another kick was delivered to the same spot and a small whine escaped his lips.

Why? Why did this happen to him? What did he do to deserve this? He wished his mother was here. She would make it better. She would make all the pain go away. He could still see her caring face now looking down on him. She reached out and touched his cheek, her eyes full of love and adoration. But his mother’s bright face was soon replaced with a boot crushing down on his chest. All the air was shoved out of his lungs and his eyes bulged out of their sockets as he gasped desperately for air.

“Get out of my sight.” And with that he was gone. The monster that was responsible for every living fear in Eren’s heart was gone. Eren scrambled out of the front door and heaved himself against the garage door where he spent the next few hours sobbing until the pain in his body was replaced with a more excruciating one in his core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll update every Sunday or so from now on  
> Thanks for reading lovelies 
> 
> *if I made any misspellings or had incorrect usages of words tell me and I'll change it asap*


	4. New Friends and Old Foes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's and Hanji's friendship is important ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted early because I had no school today yay

The sound of tennis shoes squeaking against clean tile echoed through the pristine halls of Shinganshina University. The university was freaking huge and Eren suddenly felt the remorse of not showing up to orientation; he parked outside the main office an hour before classes started and asked the secretary where his class was after wandering aimlessly for half an hour.

The secretary, who had introduced herself as Nanaba, explained to him that the college campus was split into three sections: Maria, Sina, and Rose. He was in the middle section Rose; his class was in Maria… in the opposite direction he had come from. Great. Just absolutely fucking great.

Upon hearing this he sprinted out of the office without another word to Nanaba and made his way towards Maria where yet again he was lost. He hadn’t bothered to ask Nanaba where exactly his class _was_ in Maria and it had cost him immensely. He grunted in frustration. Every single hall resembled the other and each one was aligned with ten classrooms doors, but of course none of the doors had the teachers names labeled onto them.

He was exhausted he probably had run a mile in the course of running between sections. His hands found purchase on his knees as he bended over in fatigue.

“You lost?” The words were shouted directly into Eren’s ear causing him to spin around far too fast for his body to adjust and ended up landing on his ass staring up at a very frightening woman.

The woman wore square glasses that hid the enormous eyes that were now peering down at Eren.

She smiled brightly at him. “Sorry, did I scare you? I tend to do that often,” she rested her hand on her hips and extended the other to him, “Erwin says I should stop or I’ll scare away all the students.”

“Principle Erwin?” Eren interrupted.

The woman nodded. “I’m Professor Zoë by the way, but you can call me Hanji.”

The name sounded familiar to Eren and he wondered if her name was on the schedule in his hands.

“I think I have you.” He said. Professor Zoë immediately brightened at that and gazed over his paper.

“Yep! There I am; your fourth class which means you’re headed for…” she squinted, “Levi’s class. Oh goody, you’ll have fun with him. Just don’t call him Levi or Rivialle or he’ll castrate you.”

She put her hand on his shoulder and started pushing him in the direction he assumed was to this Levi’s class.

“Then what do I call him?” He asked curiously.

Professor Zoë pondered for a moment before answering. “Professor, I guess. This is his first year teaching, so I’m not entirely sure.” They circled around to another hall that Eren had passed what had to be a thousand times. Eren supposed that Hanji was friends with the man which was why she knew so much about him considering this school probably had a hundred or so professors. So he asked her if his prediction was correct.

“Oh yes. We’re very close, although Levi wouldn’t like to admit it; I’ve known him for a long time. We went to high school together. He was even smaller then.” She chuckled as she reminisced. She stopped to a halt at the last door in the hall.

“This is Levi’s classroom. In the mornings you can just enter through there,” she pointed at an exit door across from his classes, “it leads right to the parking for section Maria. So you don’t have to run around every morning.” She giggled and as she did her shoulders shook and with them her ponytail.

“I can tell Levi that I was the reason you were late, if you want. He’d probably just think I grabbed you and started talking to you and made you late.” She looked at Eren with a sweet smile and he no longer was frightened by her. He just met her and she was already covering for his ass. Maybe they could be friends. That would be nice.

Hanji made an “o” face and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a small slip of paper and handed it to him; a phone number was scribbled on it. He wondered if she always carried around pieces of paper with her number on them and handed them to strangers.

“If you need anything or get lost again don’t hesitate. Your lunch break is right before my class, so I can show you around school then. Something tells me you skipped orientation.” Eren grinned at her and nodded and with that he entered his first class of college.

The room was big. It looked like most college rooms did or at least like the one’s he’d seen on TV. When he looked over at the students he saw many familiar faces. A little blonde head was writing down notes next to two gossiping students: Armin, Sasha, and Connie. This class would be fun.

The teacher stopped scribbling on his clipboard when he heard the door close. He turned around and Eren realized he had jumped the gun about this class being fun, because fuck. His eyes roamed over the all too familiar short stature of his teacher; it was the guy from the bar, and from the bathroom. And goddamn it why did he have to have such bad luck. Well, at least he knew his name now. Levi.

He hadn’t looked up yet from his clipboard. “Eren Jaeger, I presume?”

Eren was too embarrassed to answer or even nod. He just stood there paralyzed like a freaking idiot as unwelcomed memories flashed across his mind.

“Are you fucking deaf-“ Levi looked up. Had he finished his sentence, Eren would have thought he didn’t recognize him. But as he looked closer he noticed Levi’s eyes roam over his face. Oh. He had forgotten about the big, gruesome yellow bruise that spread from his upper jaw to his temple. Hanji hadn’t mentioned it, so he had completely forgotten it and the night it happened. The thoughts made him frown. He looked back at Levi. He looked like he was about to break his clipboard in two; he wasn’t sure if he was mad because Eren was in his class or because he was late. Maybe he was mad because of Eren’s bruise and felt sympathy towards him. But that didn’t sound like Levi. He probably was pissed because he thought he had a troublesome student who got into fights in his class; which is probably what he should tell people now that he thought about it. Since when had Eren started thinking about what was like Levi and what wasn’t?

Levi looked different. He didn’t wear a leather jacket or eyeliner. He wore a white buttoned up shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black suit paints. His eyes were free of eyeliner which made them look less intense but not any kinder and he wore small black rimmed glasses. Overall, he looked well, like a professor.

“Are you going to take a seat or stand there like a complete idiot?” Part of the class laughed at what Levi said but stopped once they remembered who their professor was. Eren stuttered a bit, but turned around when he couldn’t come up with anything to say. He kept his head low until he reached the empty seat next to Armin. Two blue orbs stared at Eren with deep concern, but he couldn’t find the strength to look or talk to his friend.

“Okay. We’ll continue. You better take notes because this is the only time I’m going to go over this.” Levi pointed at the class with the chalk he had picked up. His eyes never settled upon Eren for the rest of the class and Eren couldn’t figure out why that bothered him.

 

* * *

 

 

Eren had managed to escape the classroom before any of his friends even got out of their seats.

The next two classes he had were filled with new faces and none had bothered to introduce themselves. He roamed around the halls wondering what he would do until his next class when he remembered about the slip of paper in his back pocket.

**Eren:**

_Hey it’s Eren_

**Unknown number:**

_HI! Where are you?_

**Eren:**

_Somewhere between the main gym and two flights of stairs_

He hoped he hadn’t been too vague and Hanji would find him, because he truly couldn’t find other words to describe his current location.

**Hanji Zoë:**

_Ok I’ll be right there. Don’t move!_

He did as told and _how,_ Eren had no clue, but Hanji found him after approximately five minutes.

“Okay, where to now?” He asked getting up from his seat on the stairs. Hanji grinned and Eren wondered if she was permanently happy. Something told him that when Hanji was mad it was not pretty, and Eren vowed to himself to never be on the receiving end of Hanji’s wrath.

“How about we get something to eat and then I’ll take you on a tour around the campus?” Eren nodded to her suggestion.

Ten minutes later Eren stood at the main entrance devouring the sandwich Hanji had bought him. At first he refused when she told him she would pay for him, but then she threatened to fail him on his first project which was why he was now standing at the main entrance holding his half eaten turkey sandwich. The school looked a lot bigger now that he stood outside it; not that it wasn’t big inside- Eren had already learned it was. He wondered how Hanji was going to be able to show him all of it in the hour they had.

“How come you’re not teaching right now?” He asked his mouth half stuffed. They started walking inside and came across the office where he was this morning. He hoped Nanaba was still there so he could thank her.

“I only have two classes per day: second and fourth.”

Eren frowned slightly. “That seems easy,” he quickly corrected himself upon seeing the look on Hanji’s face, “I mean don’t most professors teach all day?”

“They do. I mainly focus on my experiments, so I only teach two classes. Plus, I provide the entire curriculum for the science classes in Maria, so I get full pay.”

“That sounds hard.” And it did; coming up with all the lesson plans for an entire section of the vast university seemed absurd. He remembered about something she mentioned and decided to ask her about it.

“What experiments do you conduct?” He wiggled his eyebrows when said the word conduct.

Hanji’s eyes widened with excitement and she gripped his arms. “Do you want me to tell you about it?” She practically screamed at him. Maybe he shouldn’t of asked about it because it looked like Hanji was about to unload a shit ton of information on Eren.

Out of nowhere a blonde head appeared in between the two. “Now, now, I wouldn’t do that to him Hanji.” Hanji looked deflated to be discouraged by Nanaba.

“Nanaba.” She glanced back at Eren when she heard her name. “Thanks for this morning. I never told you my name, I’m Eren.” He extended his hand to her. She smiled warmly and accepted his hand.

“Nanaba,” Hanji whined, “Eren said he wanted to know.”

“Yes, he did, but that doesn’t mean he _actually wants_ to, and trust me you don’t, Eren.”

Hanji huffed at Nanaba. “Fine, but we should continue our tour, Eren?” She propped her arm for Eren, signaling him to take it.

“Okay. Bye Nanaba.” He waved at her and she waved back before disappearing back into the office.

“Hanji?”

“Yes?”

“Nanaba’s a girl right?” He asked hoping he wasn’t stepping over boundaries.

“Of course she is. Well, now she is.” Eren looked at her quizzically.

“She was born a boy but now she’s a girl. That’s all there is to it, really.” She sounded guarded all of sudden.

“Oh. That’s cool. She seems really nice, I’m just glad she’s not one of those nasty office people that for some reason always hate me and insist on making my mornings a living hell.” He hoped that would suffice as reassurance that he had nothing against the blonde transgender. Hanji’s happy exterior was back and he exhaled a slight breath of relief.

Hanji somehow had succeeded in showing Eren around the necessities on campus without overexerting his body.

“Where are we going now?” he was sure there wasn’t much more she could show him.

“We’re doubling back. Class starts soon, but there’s someone I want you to meet.” There was a mischievous tone to her words. He mumbled out an agreement.

The person Hanji wanted to introduce Eren was the principle. The first thing that struck him when meeting “the Erwin Smith” was his unnecessarily big eyebrows. Like why? Why did someone need that much eyebrow? No the question was, _how_ could someone have that much eyebrow game?

The second thing that stood out was his height. For fuck’s sakes the man was at least a head taller than Eren; he had to be like 6’2”.

“And who’s this, Hanji?” Although, Erwin was intimidating by sight he sounded nice.

Hanji threw her arms around Eren and smiled a smile that could split the earth in half. “He’s my new freshman!”

“Oh, you poor soul.” Erwin exhaled. Eren threw a look at Erwin that said “What the fuck does that mean?!”

“Every year Hanji finds a new freshman student to claim as her own. It’s nothing bad, I’m surprised you lasted this long. If you did it probably means you’re a keeper.”

“Aw,” Hanji cooed, “but he’s more than that. He’s my new friend, plus he’s met the whole crew besides Hannes, Pixis, and Mike.”

“Actually, I know Hannes; he’s like my dad. And I have Pixis for PE. Isn’t Mike the creepy janitor that sniffs people?” Eren interjected, and Erwin nodded. “Yeah I asked for directions from him after my first course.”

“See! He already knows everyone. He’s practically one of us now.” Hanji planted a wet kiss on Eren’s forehead.

“He met Levi?” Erwin asked curiously.

“He’s my first class.” _And I made out with him in the bathroom two nights ago,_ Eren thought.

Erwin smiled and Hanji’s grip tightened and Eren found himself smiling. And for once that day he forgot all about the bruise that covered half of his face. He felt like he belonged.

 

* * *

 

 

“Eren!” A little mess of blonde hair tackled him from behind.

“Agh,” Eren winced, “Armin for the love of god get the fuck off of me.” He took deep breathes in between words; Armin had grabbed him right around the ribcage where dark bruises were forming. It felt like being kicked in the same spot all over again. He quickly detached himself from his friend.

“That’s what you get for ignoring me for last two days!” Eren scrunched his brows; he felt guilty for avoiding Armin, he was it’s just that he was just afraid that Armin would notice what goes on behind closed curtains. He really didn’t want to have that conversation. Armin never noticed before, and by the looks of it he hadn’t now; if he did know he would’ve confronted Eren earlier, and with a fuming Mikasa at his side.

“Sorry.” He wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Did you get in a fight? Is that why you’re all beat up?” He leaned over to brush his fingers over the right side of Eren’s face.

Eren did his best to break out a toothy grin. “You should’ve seen the other guy.”

Armin looked like he was about to scold him. “So that’s why you didn’t show up to the first day of college.” He put extra emphasis on the word first.

“Eren.”

Eren froze on sight. Shit.

He turned around, his hand on the back of his neck rubbing nervously, “Mikasa, hey.”

“Don’t you hey me. Where were you the other night, and yesterday? What the hell happened to your face?” She looked like she was about to make the other side of his face match the bruised one.

“He got into a fight, that’s why.” Thank god for Armin.

Eren smiled innocently. “I went to go visit Annie the other night, and she got into a fight with Bert so I stayed with her and fell asleep.” Lies.

Mikasa’s stone face melted slightly and she reached forward to embrace Eren, way less painful than Armin’s might he add. “Eren, you can’t keep getting into fights. One day you’ll go up against someone stronger than you.” Oh, but how wrong she was.

“I know, I know. He was harassing this kid and I couldn’t help myself.” More lies.

“Well you better learn too.” She started walking alongside them as Eren nodded.

After a long moment of silence, probably punishment towards Eren, Armin spoke up. “Can I stay over for dinner? I don’t think grandpa’s up for my cooking.” No matter how smart Armin was he never was able to cook a meal. Well, not an edible one at least.

“Course you can. As long as you don’t cook for us, that is.” Eren reached over to scruff up Armin’s hair. Mikasa laughed a bit. The tense mood had dissolved, and it was all back to normal. For the most part today was a good day. He met Hanji and Nanaba. Erwin didn’t seem like a shit principle, and Levi hadn’t confronted him after class. He sighed, knowing that the second they got home his good day would come to an end.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m going to be leaving tomorrow for a business trip.” Eren’s father said; it was the first thing anyone said since Mikasa cooked and served dinner.

“How long will you be gone?” Mikasa asked bitterly. She always resented Eren’s father for barely being in their lives, but at least he never touched her. That’s all that mattered to Eren; that his family was safe. That Armin and Mikasa were safe. As long as that stayed unchanged, it didn’t matter what happened to Eren; not to him at least.

“Only for a couple of weeks. I will leave enough money for a month, just in case.” He pushed his plate away and got up to put it in the sink.

“I’m going to go pack, you kids finish up. If you go out be back by eleven.” They all nodded, including Armin even though he didn’t have too. He was probably as scared as Eren was.

They plopped themselves onto the couch, stuffed with Mikasa’s amazing cooking. Eren’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He dug it out: one text message.

**Connie:**

_you guys wanna go to the movies tonight? that new doll movies out_

**Eren:**

_The murderous doll one?_

“Do you guys want to go to the movies with Sasha and Connie?” Eren asked, interrupting the other two’s TV show.

Mikasa shrugged and Armin asked what movie. He cringed when Eren told him. “Okay, fine, but if I throw popcorn in your face then you know why.”

**Connie:**

_ya that one. Sasha’s bringing food as always. you should invite Annie_

**Connie:**

_dont tell Reiner or Bert. the blond one scares me shitless XD_

**Eren:**

_Why not Bert, then?_

**Connie:**

_because they’re both giants and make me feel inferior_

Eren snorted. He missed hanging out with his friends.

**Eren:**

_Hey Annie, wanna come see the doll movie with the gang?_

Annie agreed after some convincing on Eren’s part, and so he stood there with a shivering Armin and an annoyed Mikasa outside of the theater. His phone started buzzing in his pocket. Annie was calling him.

“Annie?”

“Hey, sorry I had to close up the bar tonight. I’ll be late, go in without me and stop freezing your ass off.”

“You know me too well Annie Leonhart.”

 

* * *

 

The movie was okay so far. Eren was only scared in the jump scares. Armin on the other hand jumped about every five seconds. Annie showed up after the movie was twenty minutes in, and sat next to Eren.

“Jesus, you’re cold, and no I’m not talking about your heart.”

She glared daggers into Eren. “The damn box boy wouldn’t let me in, babbling about how the movie already started and the movie theater is full. Full my ass, half of it’s empty.” She leaned against Eren for warmth.

“Well, technically it’s half full.”

“Shut up, Jaeger.”

He laughed and continued to watch the movie. The whole way through Sasha and Connie were making witty comments making them all burst into a fit of laughter; they received a lot of noise complaints, but at least they weren’t thrown out. Armin alternated between clutching to Mikasa and Eren and Annie scoffed whenever someone died or screamed. When they got outside the commentary ensued.

“That sucked ass.” Annie complained.

“What?! That was amazing!” Sasha countered.

“That’s because you paid more attention to the food than the movie.” Eren retorted.

“Oh, we were talking about the movie.” Sasha said causing Armin to giggle.

“I liked it.” The little blonde squeaked.

“Which parts? The parts you had your eyes closed or the previews?” Connie asked mockingly.

“Hey, at least he didn’t cry this time.” Eren said.

“I did not!”

“You kind of did.” Armin looked at Mikasa in betrayal and huffed in annoyance.

Eren said goodbye to his friends and headed home with Armin and Mikasa. They dropped Armin at his house, cautious to not wake up his grandfather and headed home where hopefully his dad wasn’t.

When they got there he was gone and on the table was an envelope labeled money. Mikasa picked it up and looked at it like it was the bane of her existence. “It’s not right.”

“What’s not?” Eren asked, getting a coke out of the fridge.

“That he just leaves like that, all the time.”

“We’re in college, Mikasa. Most kids don’t even stay with their parents.”

“I know that,” she snapped, “but it’s not like he was here when we were younger. He was always gone even after your mom died.”

“She was your mom too.”

“I know.” She agreed sadly. He walked over and hugged her hoping she would let the subject drop. She might hate having their dad leave, but Eren hated when he was here even more.

“It’s fine. I have you, after all.” He smiled into her black hair. Mikasa mumbled in agreement. They went to bed shortly after. Eren stripped to his boxers and got into the comforts of his bed. His phone lit up as he set it down.

**Hanji Zoë:**

_You should come eat with me and everyone else tomorrow during break :)_

**Eren:**

_Who’s everyone else?_

**Hanji Zoë:**

_Me, Nanaba, Erwin, Mike and Levi. Maybe Oluo depending if Levi doesn’t kill him first._

**Eren:**

_Who’s Olou and why would Levi kill him?_

**Hanji Zoë:**

_O yeah you haven’t met him yet. You’ll see why tomorrow._

**Eren:**

_I’m not sure Levi would want me to_

**Hanji Zoë:**

_Why not you’re adorable c:_

**Eren:**

_I don’t think he likes me_

**Hanji Zoë:**

_Nonsense. Come, pleasssssssssssssssssse!_

**Eren:**

_Fine_

**Hanji Zoë:**

_Yay! Ok I’ll come fetch you before you get lost. Goodnight, my little freshie :)_

**Eren:**

_Night Hanji_

He put his phone down, plugging it into its charger and set his alarm; he prayed to the gods that he would sleep tonight. Sometimes he thought he slept better at Annie’s; maybe it was because his dad wasn’t there. Or maybe it was because there was nothing in her apartment that reminded him of the mistake he made that cost his mother’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Lunch with Levi and more fist fights except this time Eren's the one inflicting pain. Yay?
> 
> *if I made mistakes tell me and I'll fix them asap*


	5. The Color Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RED RED RED RED yeah that'll be mentioned frequently

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha there was a power outage and I had no electricity for 2 days and my house was fuCKING 40 DEGREES BECAUSE I LIVE IN FREAKING WASHINTON

The past is a rather foreign place; things are done differently there.

People are different as well, and unlike the present nothing and no one changes. Everything is stuck in a single momentum- a pendulum that swings neither forwards nor backwards. Because this is a fact and facts are pretty unalterable, no one can live in the past. It is simply impossible because at one point the past was the present and the present will one day be the past and the future will one day be the present and so forth. Although all of this is true there are always those people who try to live in the past or at least are stuck in past’s nostalgic spider web. Eren was in a web.

It was not per say the past nor was it the future; that’s downright silly. No one can live in the future or the past; it’s impossible. Eren knew this. Fact was fact and Eren knew that this happened to be fact. It just is. Most things just are. Seasons change because they just do. People are born because they just are, and Eren- Eren just was. That’s all. He just was in every sense the same as every other fact that plagued this universe.

But since when has Eren been one to listen to facts. Since: never. The very millisecond Eren shot out of Carla Jaeger’s womb the world knew, it just knew, that Eren was one of the rare one’s who would attempt at changing fact into _opinion._

So yes, Eren did try to live in the past. He tried to recreate every memory of his mother’s sweet caresses and his families Christmas dinners and how much he hated going to church on Sunday mornings. Oh did he try. But he couldn’t. Just like he couldn’t jump back into the past nor could he jump into the future, he could not live in the present. Not really. Not in his sense of living. Clearly, he was _existing_ in the present but he was not living. The past and present seemed to jumble into one big smeared mess that passed by him without his consent while he stood unable to move. The world also knew that Eren would never succeed in changing what was factual, but that bastard never bothered to mention it to him.

He realized all of this while standing in line for coffee with Armin on the last day of the work week. It was too much to digest so early in the morning. So much so that when he put his drink to his lips he didn’t realize it was heated up to Satan’s body temperature until it was too late.

Armin gave him a rather bizarre look as Eren choked and tears welled in his eyes.

“Eren,” Eren looked over at Armin’s smug face, “the coffee’s hot by the way.”

Eren shot him a death glare as he wiped his lips with the back of his hand. “Thanks,” he said putting as much animosity in the one word. They walked in a comfortable silence to the college as they both carefully sipped at their lattes.

“It’s getting cold.” Armin moved his thick scarf to shield his mouth.

Eren nodded. “It’s pretty early too.” Armin added. Eren nodded again in agreement. Even though his mind was rather chatty he himself was not in the mood. Every time he moved his jaw to speak or eat a shock of pain went straight to his temple. The bruise that adorned his face was still fresh and sore and very much new and it was determined to let Eren know. He shivered- not because of the cold- and brought the coffee cup back to his lips; he can’t live in the past so he might as well not visit it either.

The two boys walked in silence the rest of the way, not being able to find a subject worthy discussing over. Armin was probably busy concentrating on not turning into a little blonde Popsicle. When Eren looked over at him his gloved hands were trembling, and Eren assumed that it was the weathers fault, but there was something wrong. Armin always talked; literally never stopped talking and Eren usually had trouble silencing his friend when he went off about something he researched. Maybe he just wasn’t in the mood to talk like Eren wasn’t, which is completely feasible, but he couldn’t mistake Armin’s blue orbs gradually widening with fear as they neared the campus.

He probably had a test or something of the sorts; who knew with all the AP classes he took. Armin was most likely fretting over failing which was ridiculous because the boy was a freaking genius and Eren was basically ready to volunteer him as the nation’s next president. If Mikasa was here she would most likely coax Armin into talking and telling her what was up with his anxiety, whether he wanted to or not. But she wasn’t, and Eren couldn’t bring himself to speak up. He was already tormented with his own fear, how he could possibly understand Armin’s. The two fears stood on two utterly different scales, and it wasn’t that Eren didn’t care- if anything he cared too much- but in his mind two equally terrified people talking about their problems didn’t seem like it would end well.

Eren was the type of person who fed off of other’s emotions, and if he talked to Armin he would end up twice as bad as he already was. That and he didn’t feel like worrying about a test he didn’t even have.

He sighed as they neared the school.

The end of the parking lot for section Maria was virtually empty, but as they started edging closer and closer to the entrance cars started filling more and more of their designated slots. Eren was too caught up to notice when they passed one particular car that had several jocks leaning against it, that Armin had screwed his eyes shut. A few unearthly cackles escaped the men behind them and Eren was about to turn around and ask them what the fuck their deal was when he was smacked with a few words he wasn’t very fond of.

“Hey, it’s the little gay boy from gym. Where do you think you’re going, fag?” Eren barely had enough time to register who the words were directed to before the thick, tall asshole was in Eren’s face.

“Is this your little boyfriend?” Oh Jesus Christ did this guy needed some damn mints to chew on, because the smell that swamped Eren’s senses was closer to a morgue than morning breathe.

Before he could speak up and defend Armin the asshole pushed a bit too harshly against Eren’s chest and he stumbled backward into a wall of meaty hands. His coffee fell to the ground in the commotion, and the concreate was now covered in a light brown.

The morgue man, Eren didn’t know his name so he settled for his nice morning breathe, slicked his already very greasy hair back with one hand, and grabbed Armin’s jacket collar with the other.

“I’m sorry; did you forget our little meeting? Just because you brought pretty boy over here doesn’t mean it’s canceled.” Morgue man spat at Armin with a thick Bronx accent and a wide grin plastered his pasty white face. Eren lurched forward but two guys behind him restrained his movement.

This was why Armin was nervous walking here today. It wasn’t because of a stupid test it was because he knew this asshole and his little entourage were here to greet him. Eren mentally slapped himself. He should’ve asked him what was wrong and then they could’ve taken the long way around and avoided all of this. Yeah, they would’ve been late to class but at least Eren could’ve kept Armin safe. He certainly couldn’t now.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. This always happen. I always get people hurt. It’s always my damn fault._

No matter what the situation was Eren was never able to avoid hurting the people he loved, even if it wasn’t directly from him there was always something he _could’ve_ done. Eren burned with rage and he started to shake in anticipation of slamming his fist into morgue man. The hands on his biceps started loosening but they still held strong and prevented Eren from moving further.

_I have to get there. I have to save him._

Morgue man laughed one more time before he slammed Armin down hard on the concrete. Armin gasped out in pain, and it only fueled his attacker’s amusement. Morgue man turned slowly in a circle marveling at the small group of people that had surrounded the commotion. He turned back to Armin and the grin slipped off his face. He looked down at Armin much like a boy would look at his broken toy. He crouched next to Eren’s friend and said a few words that Eren was barely able to catch.

“Get up. Get up you piece of shit.”

Get up. Get up you piece of shit. The words played in Eren’s head like a mantra.

_“Get the fuck up, you disrespectful piece of shit.”_

No. Morgue man can’t say that to Armin. He can’t. It wasn’t allowed. Those were words reserved solely for Eren; there were only shared in his home in the dark between him and the monster that lived with him. They weren’t supposed to escape hell and seep into reality. No. Morgue man can’t say this to Armin. But he did.

Eren looked back at the scenario; everything seemed heightened now as if someone had just handed him his pair of glasses that he had dropped. And suddenly the hands that immobilized him were no longer there and he was making his way towards the gruesome figure crouching over Armin.

He took the back of the guy’s leather jacket in his hand and hauled him to his feet. The guy scattered his way up not anticipating being attacked from behind or attacked at all for that matter. He looked at Eren with wild crazy eyes before he fixed his old sickening grin back on his face.

“What are you going to do, pretty boy?” He leaned in closer to Eren, and that was a big mistake because Eren took that moment to swing his fist out and sock the guy right in the jaw. Shock dwelled on the guy’s features before Eren swung with his left hand and delivered another blow to the man. Blood started pouring out of morgue man’s nose, and Eren’s hands felt like they were on fire but he didn’t care. If anything he liked the burning sensation; it kept him in focus, with the right pair of lenses on. He kicked his leg out under the guy’s legs sweeping him out from under his feet and causing him to fall on his back.

Eren would have to thank Annie later for kicking his ass during the summer and showing him that trick.

He got on top of the man again before he had time to adjust and started pummeling his fists over and over the bloody canvas in front of him; he didn’t know exactly what he was doing or were Armin even was. He didn’t know where anyone was really; he just felt the immense anger that spread red throughout his vision.

Eren thought he heard someone pleading him to stop but the rush of blood that surged into his ears canceled out all the noise around him. Eren mostly just felt at this point; he didn’t see or hear he just felt like he was a wild animal guided by its predatory instincts.

Eren wondered where he retreated to in these moments. It had happened to him before- where he would lose all sense of control and attack someone, and in the process he lost himself and was replaced with his “alternate ego” crazy blood-lusted Eren.

Or maybe he didn’t retreat. Maybe he resurfaced as his real and true self- a monster. He smiled to himself. He was just like his father.

His father.

The thought only angered him further and he started hitting harder, hitting faster, when a pair of strong hands pulled at his shoulders and heaved him upwards. The last thing his mind registered was the spillage of his brown coffee mixing with a larger, dominant stream of the color red.

 

* * *

 

 

**Levi**

Something pummeled into Levi as he groggily made his way down the empty hallway with his cup of coffee. He stared at the blonde blob that ran past him, leaving Levi standing awkwardly in the hall with a spilled coffee mug that he looked at like it had offended him.

“Oi, you little mushroom!” The kid halted to a stop and swiveled around with two big blue eyes wide with fear. His cheeks were red and slightly scraped.

“What the fuck are you doing running around at godly hours, spilling my coffee in the process?” Levi spoke rather calmly; yeah, he was pissed his coffee was spilled, but the kid looked like he was going to shit his pants. He probably wasn’t going to finish the coffee anyway.

“Are you a professor?” The boy asked waving his hands frantically. Levi nodded slowly wondering if he should reveal his status or not and slip away from his responsibilities. The little blonde boy grabbed at Levi and started pushing him down the hall towards the parking lot door.

“Whoa, whoa I need to know where we’re going and why before you kidnap me.” He told the boy but made no effort to stop him.

“Armin Arlert. My idiot friend is in a fight because he was standing up for me and he’s practically beating the guy to death and I didn’t know what to do and god I should’ve told Eren but I-“

Levi cut the boy, Armin, off before he kept blabbering with a wave of his hand.

“This friend of yours, Eren, does he happen to be tall with constant bed head and obnoxious green eyes?” Levi asked Armin trying to recall as many memories of Eren Jaeger-which wasn’t to difficult because he saw the brat every day.

Arlert nodded and pushed through the exit door. It took Levi a few seconds before his eyes were able to take in all the morning light and see the tumult in the parking lot.

There was a massive crowd of students surrounding what he supposed was the fight Eren was in. He sighed and made his way through the kids yelling at them “to not fucking touch or for god sakes cough on him”. Once he broke through the wall, grunts and the sound of fists coming in contact with bone reached his ears. He moved forward in worry, but hesitated once he realized that Eren was the one inflicting pain and not the other way around. He wasn’t sure what to do. He had never broken up a fight before; he had joined some or was in them but never stopped one. He couldn’t even really consider this as a fight; it was completely one-sided and if he didn’t do anything soon it would be murder.

He reached forward and grabbed Eren’s shoulders pealing him off of the boy/corpse like a Band-Aid. At some point other teachers had arrived and were tending to the bloodied boy on the ground. No one paid attention to Eren; it was if as soon as Levi had gotten him out he had disappeared from the crowds view. He was fine with that. This way he could get Eren away and do something like knock some sense into him. He glanced one more time at the other boy; he was unconscious, and his greasy black hair was matted with blood, but he seemed like he would be fine. The face bleeds a lot, and Levi knew it looked a lot worse than it actually was. He averted his attention to the weight that had slumped in his arms.

He turned Eren in his arms and looked at him, inspecting for any injuries. He had none, except for the bleeding knuckles, but that was the brat’s fault.

Fear struck Levi. Eren was crying. Not sobbing uncontrollably or anything pathetic; he just had tears streaming down his impassive expression as if they were a part of his face. Eren wasn’t even looking at Levi. He was just staring off into nowhere and _crying._

 _Shit._ The first thing that came to mind was that he had hit his head and was suffering a brain injury, but when Levi reached and softly patted the back of Eren’s head he felt nothing. No bump no wet blood no nothing. _Okay this is getting ridiculous._

He took Eren’s chin in his hand a bit too harshly and forced the boy to look into his eyes. His touch softened immediately. When Levi looked into Eren’s eyes he didn’t see what was expected: anger or rage. His turquoise orbs were swimming with emotion, but for the most part he looked sad. No he looked worse than just sad he looked broken. And suddenly, Levi felt a pang of anger twist at his heart and he wanted to kill whoever it was who had caused Eren the pain that was so evident in his features.

This kid wasn’t going to talk anytime soon, and Levi wasn’t sure he wanted to make him. He was scared- which was not a frequent emotion he felt- that anything he said would send the kid over the edge and he would go jump off a bridge when he got home. So, he dragged Eren, and along the way found Armin, and started heading towards the principal’s office.

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re saying you want to expel the brat?” Levi sat tentatively in Erwin’s office accompanied by a very nervous blonde bobble head, a surprisingly silent Eren, and Hanji. Levi had no clue what Hanji was even doing in Erwin’s office when he walked in with the two boys or why she stayed but there she was. She sat on the front of Erwin’s desk much to his displeasure, twiddling her thumbs and looking up once in a while to observe the conversation.

“No,” Erwin leaned back in his unnecessarily huge leather chair and took a few seconds to think before continuing.

I don’t want to expel him. It wouldn’t look very good for the school or for Eren if he’s expelled in the first week, but he won’t go unpunished.”

Levi scoffed and crossed his arms. “What are you going to do with him then?”

Erwin raised an eyebrow taking note of how much attention Levi was paying to the certain teenager. Normally, Levi wouldn’t break up fights; he wouldn’t risk getting dirty or simply didn’t care enough to. Erwin would’ve thought he would just walk away and inform someone else so that they could deal with it.

That was what was expected. Hell, that’s even what Levi would have expected from himself, but expectations aren’t always fulfilled.

“I’m not quite sure. What do you propose?” Erwin leaned into his desk and Levi leaned back in his chair. It was reflexive; nothing personal, and Erwin knew that. Levi looked over at Eren for the first time since the fight and contemplated his answer.

The kid hadn’t moved an inch since he had plopped himself down in the uncomfortable office chair. He sat there, hands in lap, head down, and eyes hazed over with detachment. He was completely out of it and disinterested in his possible expulsion. His battered hands were peeling and blood was trickling onto his dark jeans.

Levi had never wanted more to be able to get into someone’s brain than now. He wanted to know what Eren Jaeger was thinking- if he was thinking anything at all. He wanted to know what he was feeling. Was it remorse or despair? Was it pride? Most of all, Levi wanted to know how to fix whatever it was that had cracked in the young kid’s mind. He didn’t necessarily _want_ to fix him. He just wanted to know how to for the pure sake of knowing how.

Levi had never been one who was able to jump into the unknown or take risks; he down right hated the unknown. It wasn’t daunting to him like most. It was bothersome. Mysteries and enigmas were bothersome.

Eren Jaeger was bothersome.

“We could make him work after hours with Hanji.” Levi joked after not being able to come up with an actual notable idea.

“That’s not bad,” the corner of Erwin’s lip quirked upwards, “I guess, you’ll be working with Hanji then.” He directed his words to Eren.

Hanji jolted at her name and clapped with glee. “Oh, how fantastic!” She jumped off the desk and put her hands gently on Eren’s shoulders causing him to look up. His eyes weren’t wavering with emotion as usual, they looked like blank slates, and suddenly Levi understood the attraction that Eren’s eyes had. It wasn’t the color, although rare, it was the emotions he carried behind them; the ones that made him lively.

“That’s just cruel.” Levi said averting his attention.

“So, you’re not expelling or suspending Eren?” It was the first thing to come out of Arlert’s mouth during the whole ordeal. His eyes brightened with hope when Erwin nodded his reply. He reached over and squeezed Eren’s lifeless tan hand.

“Only if it is okay with Eren, that is. Although, I wouldn’t see why he would refuse.” Erwin added.

“It’s fine.” Eren’s voice came out steady and calm to match his exterior, and it unnerved Levi.

“I don’t think you’ll be saying that after spending enough time with shitty glasses.” He looked over at Eren expecting a nod or no reply at all.

“I like Hanji.” Levi was surprised. Everything about the brat bewildered him or agitated him. He decided he simply doesn’t like Eren.

Hanji’s grip tightened visibly on Eren as she leaned down to rest her chin on his head. “Isn’t he adorable?”

“When he isn’t killing others.”

Eren’s face contorted in hurt at Levi’s comment, and Levi’s heart did that stupid thing it does when it twists in pain.

“Armin. You should go to class; I’ll send an e-mail to Mrs. Parnell and excuse your absence. As for you, Eren,” Erwin looked over at me, “Levi. You two can take the rest of the period off. You should probably get one of the nurses to bandage your hands.” Eren and Armin both nodded- Armin a bit more enthusiastically.

A question came to mind. “What the hell has my class been doing?”

Erwin glanced at Levi before smiling. “I had Nanaba tell them to write an essay summary on the Scarlet Letter by Monday.”

Levi’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “Gross. They still make kid’s read that shit?”

“They are now.” That sly bastard.

Armin excused himself to go to class and left with one more concerned look shot at Eren. Levi got up to leave as well. He was wondering whether or not to make a second cup of coffee or if it was already too late in the morning, when he heard a pair of shoes walking behind him.

“Do you know where the nurses are?” Eren asked in the same monotone voice as before.

“Beats me.” He stared at the boy for a moment before turning around.

“Come on let’s get you bandaged up.” He threw over his shoulder.

 

* * *

 

 

They ended up in one of the spare offices where Levi went whenever he was avoiding his students after class questions.

He looked through a couple of drawers before finding the first aid kit, and pulled out the gauze. He walked over to where Eren was sitting, and stopped not knowing what to do.

He settled for awkwardly hopping onto the desk across from Eren. Levi stared at him until he responded.

“What?”

“Give me your hand.”

Eren lifted his hand and placed it in Levi’s smaller, paler one. Eren was soft to the touch despite all the scratches and marks that littered his caramel skin.

He started placing the white gauze carefully over Eren’s knuckles; he tried to touch him as little as possible which proved to be hard as hell, and it made his movements’ spastic and odd. Eren didn’t seem to care or notice.

Eren’s skin was burning. Levi wasn’t sure if it was because of the adrenaline that still coursed through his veins or if he was natural human furnace. He decided to ask him questions to lighten the mood. Perhaps he would find the kink in Eren’s armor; maybe he would have a breakdown and Levi would finally understand and unravel the enigma that was Eren Jaegar. He smiled inwardly at the thought.

“Why were you fighting?”

“I was protecting Armin.”

“From what?”

“Homophobic assholes.”

Eren tensed even further after the few questions. Levi sucked at lightening the mood.

“What made you so mad?”

_Tock._

He moved to grab the other hand when he caught a flash of anger cross Eren’s expression. _There you go. We’re getting somewhere._ At least he didn’t look as robotic as before.

After waiting a couple of minutes with no answer he decided to move onto another topic.

“Where did that bruise come from?” He asked pointing to Eren’s face. Levi was actually curious as to why the boy had missed the first day of school and showed up the next day with half his face discolored. It didn’t make sense to him that Eren got into a fight; considering how he beat a kid up not too long ago and didn’t have a mark on him inflicted by the guy, it didn’t fit.

_Tick._

All muscle movement in Eren’s body stopped and he looked like a deer caught in the headlight. Huh. Well, that was weird. Something had struck fear into the brunette’s heart and Levi wanted to know what.

“By the way you knocked out that guy today I’m guessing it wasn’t a fight.”

“Well it was.” Eren shifted his eyes downward like a kid caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to.

“You’re a terrible liar.”

_Tock._

Eren’s head shot up and his eyes gleamed with anger. He got up and pushed his way to the door, hand still attached to the gauze in Levi’s hands. Levi moved to block the door and was confronted by a raging bull.

“Let me through.” Eren demanded through clenched teeth.

“Not until you tell me where you got that bruise from.” Levi glared back with equally intense eyes. There was no way in hell he would let him through until he knew Eren Jaeger’s downfall.

“I ran into a door.”

“I thought you said you got into a fight.” Levi counteracted him, hoping it would rouse something up in Eren.

_Boom._

Eren threw one of his injured fists forward in a lame attempt to punch him, but all energy was sapped out of him and it worked against him. Levi ducked and grabbed Eren’s arm in an iron grip.

Eren’s face was priceless. He looked shocked and at the same time defeated. Levi loosened his grip until his touch was feather-like.

“Shh,” he cooed, “We wouldn’t want you to break your hand, would we?”

Eren’s steps faltered, but Levi held his wrist firmly and steadied him. They stayed like this for a moment: Eren being the balancing act and Levi being his tight rope. Levi stepped aside and decided to let this one go. He would solve this puzzle another time. Eren pushed away from him and out the door in a flash, leaving without a word or glance. The only thing he left behind was the gauze that had fallen of his hand oozing with the color red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha remember when I said they would have lunch in this chapter well I lied whoops  
> but there will be a Hanji and Eren lunch next chapter yay!  
> I'll still update Sunday (probably)  
> Next chapter: confessions ;)
> 
> *if there are any mistakes please tell me and I will fix it asap*


	6. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren spends some bonding time with Hanji

Eren was invisible.

Or at least that’s how he felt.

After he had parted ways with Levi- well, actually he had left him- he started to walk aimlessly through the halls of university. Nobody stopped or really noticed him at all and it bothered him.

Erwin had permitted him his first class period free, and Eren now regretted agreeing to it. He still had another forty-five minutes to himself, and only himself. It wasn’t that Eren couldn’t be alone or always needed someone around to be dependent on, he just didn’t like being alone with himself.

When he was little he used to like having alone time. Mikasa always thought it was weird; she said he was too lonely. Eren disagreed. He never felt lonely. He just needed some time to breathe. Granted: that was frequent, but when he wasn’t he was always attached to either his sister’s or Armin’s hip. They used to do everything together, literally everything. From walking to school and back to playing hide and clap to cramming for their elementary tests. The only thing that separated the three was when they would all have to go to their own homes.

After Mikasa changed from neighbor to sister they would only say goodbye to Armin at nights. Armin always whined about how it wasn’t fair and how Eren should adopt him as well, but behind the laughs and complaints they all knew Mikasa hadn’t had much say in the choice.

Eren’s parents had been Mikasa’s godparents, so the two kids were always fairly close. Mikasa lived right across from Eren, and on some nights they would signal each other from their aligned windows. After one flashed back to the other with their flashlight they would sneak out and lay in Mikasa’s beautiful, tall grass garden and look at the stars talking about their kid problems.

When Mikasa’s parents passed away Eren’s parents gained guardianship of her. The Ackerman’s dazzling front garden perished with the older generation and even though the house was completely renovated no one moved in it. Because of this Mikasa stayed with two houses: the one she belonged in and the one fate forced her into.

Eren wondered how difficult it must be to have to walk past a living memory of her parents’ demise every day. If there was difficulty Mikasa doesn’t show it, but then again there aren’t many emotions she did show. It was not like Mikasa was a walking robot. She was far from it. She loved, cared, was angered, and worried. God, did she worry. It was practically her default mode, and after that protectiveness. Mikasa just choose not to show her pain. Probably because she thought it would hinder her friends in some way, which was stupid. Eren would never mind carrying a few of his sister’s burdens if it helped. He guessed that in her mind handing over her baggage to someone else would in a way be an even worse burden, so she didn’t.

Eren wasn’t like Mikasa. He always handed his problems over to others and hoped they would solve them for him. He felt severely guilty for being like this, but he couldn’t help it. Eren was only good for weighing down people.

And this was why he hated being alone now. Unlike his child-self, Eren loathed being alone, because it always meant thinking or digging up the past. Whenever he did it always brought the same depressing result.

 

* * *

 

 

Hanging out with Hanji proved to be a much more challenging task than Eren had previously thought.

Between carrying boxes labeled with ‘Extremely Fragile’ to sweeping the floors and wiping down the lab stations Eren barely had any time to sit down and think. While Eren did all the heavy duty work Hanji sat at her desk scribbling in her multiple journals, entering information into her documents, and replying to her students e-mails. At one point, about an hour into his penance, she up and disappeared.

Eren took this time to check his phone.

There were two messages from Armin asking about how he was doing and if he wanted to come over later.

He scrolled down and winced.

Five impossibly long messages in all caps from Mikasa and one missed call. He scanned through the messages. The all basically said the same thing: “I can’t believe you’re such a dumbass” “you could have killed him” “why didn’t you walk away” “did you even think about the future” and so on.

**1 new message.**

**Mikasa:**

_Why can’t you think of someone else for once? How do you think your mom would feel?_

Eren scrunched his brows in hurt; that was a low blow, and as soon as his sister realized he’d opened the message she started typing a new one.

**Mikasa:**

_I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that…_

_Are you okay?_

Eren typed a quick “I’m fine” before shoving his phone back in his pocket; he didn’t feel like being harassed by his sister right now. She meant well, but Eren didn’t feel like talking to her about what happened. He would rather forget it ever happened in the first place.

Hanji appeared not too long after with two cups that he assumed were coffee but ended up being tea.

She sat down at one of the station’s stools and beckoned him to come over.

“Sorry I’ve been distant and all over the place,” she beamed, “Just so busy, but I really appreciate the help. Usually I have Moblit, my boyfriend, help me out but he has his own job.” She left it off at that and took a tentative sip of her tea.

“How are you doing, Eren? I know you don’t want to talk about it, and I totally get it, but how are you? Like in general- not today but you know…” Her face scrunched up in worry as she fretted over what to say.

Eren reached over and patted her hand. He appreciated it- really he did- but she was right. He didn’t want to talk about it.

“To be honest,” Eren sighed trying to collect his next sentences, “it’s been shit. Everything’s been shit. School is shit. My home is pretty shitty. Today was shit, but that’s all there is to it. Just, shit.”

Hanji opened her mouth and looked like she was about to argue but closed it shortly after. She nodded.

“Okay.” Her face immediately shifted back to her normal crazy, happy expression. “Have you met any girls?”

Eren’s eyebrows shot up as he quickly shook his head.

“Boys?”

Eren could feel his face heat up slightly. Well, he had met Levi. He still shook his head.

“Oh. Are you already with someone?”

Eren didn’t even shake his head this time he just kind of gave Hanji a look that said “please no”.

The scientist’s face contorted in pure confusion. “I don’t understand. I mean unless you’re asexual but you don’t really peg me as one,” she looked at Eren to confirm and his confused face probably told her he had no clue about sexualities, “Surely, they’re all over you. I mean look at you you’re adorable.” She reached over and pinched his cheeks.

She added, “And you have a nice ass.” He wondered if Hanji could feel his cheeks burn in her fingers. Did all professors talk to their students like this?

“Eh, no problemo. I’ll find you someone.” Hanji wiggled her eyebrows and let his abused face go.

“What about you? You said you had a boyfriend; what’s he like?” Eren tried veering the conversation towards his friend.

Hanji’s face softened with admiration as she spoke. “Moblit. He’s actually my fiancée, and you’re totally invited to the wedding, by the way. I met him through Erwin and Levi, actually. He was in their chemistry I think.

“He didn’t have many friends I guess so he stuck around the boys. Erwin liked him, most likely cause he helped him with his homework, and he didn’t get on Levi’s nerves-which is a miracle. So, I ended up meeting him. He was almost as good as me in science. Almost.” She played with the ring Eren just noticed was on her finger.

“He was the only one who listened to me about my experiments, and actually was interested. There aren’t many out there like that, you know?”

Eren nodded although he wasn’t sure he agreed. Yeah, Hanji was over eccentric and a bit intimidating at first, but she was great and amazing and she cared- she really cared. Eren had never met someone so loving and open to people and he was glad he had.

“I’ll introduce him to you sometime. He’d love you. Well, he has to because I do.” Hanji grinned.

Eren melted. There were rare moments where Eren felt like this when meeting a new friend and he could count the people on one hand. Mikasa, Armin, Annie, and Hannes had been the only one’s so far who made him feel happy and safe when things were not okay. Hanji had a similar effect on him. Maybe she would be the one he would open up to. After all, she really was the only one he could spill his problems to without immediate consequences.

“Does he work here too with the rest of the high school gang?” He made quotation marks with his fingers when he said the word gang.

Hanji shook her head. “It’s only me and Erwin. Erwin got Levi to work here this year, because of recent issues in little grumpy-pants life.” Eren chuckled at Levi’s nickname.

“What happened?” For some odd reason he wanted to know more about Levi; especially since the man had interrogated Eren that morning.

Hanji’s face fell. “That’s something for him to tell you. But don’t worry with the way he was all over you today I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon.”

“What?” Eren almost choked on the hot tea he had inhaled.

“Okay, you see, Levi’s not really fond of young kids or people in general,” she snorted, “yet he landed this job. Anyway, he’s hard too warm up to. It took me all of high school to get under his skin and have him finally accept me as his friend. He’s known you for a week and he already saved your ass.

“And he was nice to you!” She flung her hand forward in exasperation.

“I’m lost. How does anything Levi has ever said to me qualify as nice, Hanji?”

“It’s not what he says, it’s the thing he does.” She rolled her eyes at the brunette when his face of disbelief hadn’t changed.

“Oh, come on.” She leaned over the table. “He stopped a fight, only after hearing you were in it. Keep in mind Levi really doesn’t care for kids or fights or really dirty things. And at the moment, you were all of those things but he still _touched_ you.

“He touched you Eren. That’s pretty big.” She nodded at him as if she had made her case.

“Okay, you’re clearly not convinced. Remember whenever Erwin would lean towards him he leaned back?” Eren nodded.

“You know how I don’t usually hug him? I hug everyone, you would know, just not Levi most of the time because I’m scared he’ll punch me. Okay, now you can kind of see a trend of ‘Levi no touchie touchie’. But he voluntarily touched you, and stood up for you when he was talking to Erwin. Well, in a Levi sort of way.”

Eren thought back to when Levi had bandaged his hands and all the moments Levi _had_ touched him. What was Hanji hinting at? Did Levi like him? Like _like_ him?

_Jesus fucking Christ what am I three?_

They had made out before, and according to Hanji if touching was a ‘no no’ in Levi’s book then exchanging saliva must have been breaking all rules.

Eren flushed. Oh, god. What did this mean? Was Levi attracted to Eren? Was Eren even attracted to Levi?

He hadn’t thought about Levi like that since that night. As soon as he met Levi for the second time and realized he was his superior, Eren had erased all feelings he had for the man.

Had he really though?

It wasn’t like he had much time to think about it either. With everything at home and school, Eren hadn’t had a second to take a breather let alone crush over his teacher.

“Basically, Levi wants to be your friend.” Hanji threw her arms up in delight.

_Oh. Friends. Yeah, that was something I didn’t think of._

Eren suddenly felt embarrassed that he had jumped to conclusions before ever thinking about being _friends._ Being friends with Levi sounded weird though. Eren was friends with Armin and Hanji. Right, that was normal. But, Levi? Eh, it sounded odd to him.

Hanji jumped out of her stool. “Oh, we should go. It’s getting late. I’ll text you, okay?” She put her coat on and grabbed her bag, running over to peck Eren’s cheek before rushing out the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Eren walked back from college alone stopping by Hanne’s bar to say hi, and eventually was able to see his house sitting at the corner at the top of the hill. No cars. That meant Dad wasn’t home, but he was sure that wasn’t true for Mikasa. As Eren took out his keys and opened the old door he wondered if Mikasa would be glad to see him or not.

He closed the door and walked down the long hallway, putting his bag down by the foot of the staircase before continuing. It was unsettlingly silent.

The kitchen light was on, and Mikasa was sitting quietly on the bar stool with a glass of water in her hand.

“Hello, brother.”

 _Shit._ Mikasa only referred to Eren as ‘brother’ when she was beyond pissed. He had been hearing more of it recently.

Eren sighed and walked into the kitchen, and opened the fridge to scan for food. He closed it and grabbed an apple instead. Turning around he was met with his sister’s unfriendly eyes.

Mikasa was still in her day clothes but had taken her scarf off; it was lying on the couch.

“So, did you get expelled?” Right to the point.

“No.”

Mikasa scoffed and looked to her side. “Lucky.”

“Why were you gone so long then? Did you just want to make me wait up for you without telling me where you were?” Her voice was getting louder and louder with each word she spoke.

Eren remained calm; he was used to being yelled at. “I didn’t get expelled but now I have to work after hours every day for one of my professors.”

She clenched her teeth, dissatisfied with the reply. “For how long?”

“They didn’t specify.” He took a bite of his apple nonchalantly; he didn’t want to come off as a dick but all anger had been drained from him and he couldn’t muster up any emotions at the moment.

“Damn it, Eren! Do you know how worried sick I’ve been? The school pulled me out of class today to tell me that you were involved in a fight where one of the boys was hospitalized. I didn’t know for another hour that you weren’t the one in the ER until Armin called me! Armin called me, not you. Really, Eren?” Mikasa slammed her glass down and Eren was surprised it hadn’t shattered from the sheer force. His eyes stayed put on the wavering cup and the hand around it.

“Talk to me!” He was able to recognize his sister’s demanding voice, but it was getting harder and harder for him to focus on her. His head was pounding and he was suddenly feeling nauseous. He put his apple down and started to walk away leaving Mikasa in the kitchen in the middle of her rant.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going? I’m talking to you!” She screamed down the hall as he started to attempt climbing the stairs.

His head started to pound louder and harder and he was no longer able to distinguish his heart beat from the sound in his head. He opened the door to his room and accidently slammed it shut making him wince at the sound. He took two pills from the bottle that stood on his night stand and swallowed them dry, hoping it would ease the pain.

What was he going to do now? He sure as hell didn’t want to deal with Mikasa right now; he’d have to leave for the night. He could go to Armin’s, but he didn’t want to bother his friend and it would probably be awkward because of everything that happened today.

He grabbed a duffel bag and shoved some clothes in without knowing if they were clean or not. Somehow he made it down the stairs and out the door without Mikasa stopping him; she was probably fed up with Eren. He didn’t blame her. Eren was being a terrible brother, and he wanted nothing more than to resolve this issue with her and have everything go back to normal, but that just wasn’t how Eren worked. He never made things simple for anyone.

He looked at the time on his phone and estimated that Annie was home already and when she opened the door to her apartment and saw a disheveled gloomy teenager she let him in without a second thought.

 

* * *

 

 

_"Eren, come down breakfast is ready!” The sound of his mother’s sweet voice carried through the house from downstairs in the kitchen. Eren shot out of his room and bounced down the stairs happily, content that he smelled waffles. His mom always made waffles on Monday mornings, because they were Eren’s favorite and got him through the tortuous start of the week._

_Eren sat down at the table across from his father and next to Mikasa._

_“It’s almost spring break.” Mikasa muttered. Eren’s mother placed Eren’s plate in front of him._

_“Yeah, what are we going to do, Dad?” He asked mouth full of syrupy waffle bites._

_“Don’t speak with your mouth open Eren.” His dad corrected him, smiling kindly over the newspaper. Eren’s mom leaned over and kissed his cheek causing Eren to make a face at Mikasa; she giggled._

_“Maybe we can go visit your parents, Carla?” Grisha looked up at his wife._

_“I’m sure they would like that.” She smiled and it was one of those infectious smiles that made even the devil himself smile._

_They finished breakfast chatting about the upcoming weekend and what they planned to do. At eight Eren and Mikasa started getting ready for school. Eren helped Mikasa put her scarf on as she ushered him out the door._

_Armin was at the bus stop, and the three of them managed to squeeze into one seat on the bus. They chattered and gossiped about other kids and their nasty teachers._

_Eventually, they all went to their separate classes and settled down._

_Eren had Mrs. Bjorge a strict German woman with a thick accent that her students never bothered to understand. She was going over how to do long division when Garret Reade threw a ball of paper at the back of Eren’s head. Eren turned around with a murderous glare. “Stop it, dimwit.”_

_“Jaeger, turn around and pay attention.” The teacher exclaimed. She never did like Eren for reasons unknown to him. Eren turned around and stubbornly crossed his arms puffing out a “not fair”._

_Five minutes passed before Garret threw another object at Eren; a pencil. Eren ignored him this time. The boys and girls behind him snickered and Eren wondered why it was only when he opened his mouth that the teacher noticed._

_Something harder hit him directly on the back of his head. Eren let out a loud “ow” and rubbed his neck. It was a small rock. What kind of fourth grader carries around freaking rocks?_

_He turned in his seat and looked at the boy and whispered, “You’re so gonna regret that.”_

_Garret made an amused sound. “What are you going to do? Have Mikasa beat me up for you?”_

_Another kid, probably one of Garret Reade’s friends called Eren a coward, and that was enough to set off Eren. He jumped out of his seat and pounced on the boy pulling at his clothes and hair and whatever else he could get his hands on. The class started chanting “fight, fight!” Before the teacher even realized what was happening, Garret let out a howl as Eren scratched his cheek leaving a red angry mark. Mrs. Bjorge pealed Eren off the boy and landed him right in the principal’s office._

_The principal called his parents and notified Eren that his mother was coming to pick him up. He was suspended for three days. Eren smiled to himself thinking that now nobody would mess with him. He wasn’t smiling when his mom dragged him out by his ear scolding him for getting into a fight._

_“What were you thinking Eren Jaeger?” She closed the car door and started the engine._

_“He started it!” Eren whined._

_“I don’t care who started it. You are my son and I did not raise you to hurt others.” Eren was confused because she had raised Eren, literally the way he was, but he kept his mouth shut._

_“Put your seat belt on.” She demanded her voice stern and shaking with anger. Eren was about to complain about how she hadn’t put her seatbelt on so why should he when the car behind them honked._

_His mom turned around and yelled at the car, and when she turned back around she looked at Eren instead of the road. The last thing Eren saw were her big green eyes blazing with passion before a flash of light and sound enveloped both of them._

A scream tore at Eren’s throat as he sat up on the couch drenched in sweat. His heart pounded so loudly he wondered if it would wake up everyone else in the apartment. He put a hand over his chest trying to calm his erratic breathing. It was a nightmare or more so it was a memory: the memory of his mother’s death. The one he had caused.

Eren let his head fall down onto his knees as tears started to stream down his cheeks. His chest raked with sobs and screams that weren’t able to leave his clamped mouth.

He didn’t sleep for the rest of the night.

 

* * *

 

 

**Hanji Zoë:**

_Wanna grab coffee with me? I want to talk to you :)_ _  
_

**Eren:**

_Ok. Where?_

**Hanji Zoë:**

_There’s this café by the uni. Think you can make it in 20?_

**Eren:**

_Yep_

Eren left the apartment pulling a scarf around his neck and rubbing at his tired eyes. He hadn’t had a nightmare in almost two weeks and it left noticeable symptoms. Eren wandered around the street before finding the café Hanji had mentioned; she hadn’t been very clear and he hadn’t asked her to specify.

The place smelled like coffee beans and pumpkin, probably because it was nearing that time of year.

Hanji was sitting in a corner booth with her legs pulled up onto the seat. Brown orbs met green as she scanned the room for Eren. He made his way over and sat across from her.

“I already bought you coffee. I didn’t know if you liked it black or with cream so I put cream in to be safe.” She smiled warmly at the boy. Eren preferred black coffee but took it anyways; she paid for it after all.

“How are you?” She placed one hand under her chin.

“Good.”

She looked at him with what had to be sympathy or pity and repeated the question. “How are you, Eren?”

She looked meaningfully at him, this time straight into Eren’s eyes. She had a way of getting under Eren’s shell and all of a sudden he wanted to tell her everything, so he did. He looked down at his coffee before speaking.

“It’s my dad. He hits me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I somehow managed to write this and its still Sunday!  
> Next chapter: Armin is finally more present in my damn fic
> 
> *if there are any mistakes please tell me and I will fix it asap*  
> Thank you for reading Lovelies


	7. Tranquility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY ok this is important. I kind of like am really stupid so like you know how I said that Petra was gone for like 9 months? Yeah, I changed that to like years, like 6 years. I'm sorry.  
> ALSO, would you guys totally oppose me changing the name of this fic because like I said I'm stupid and don't like it anymore??? What do you think??? *cringes at my choices in life*

Waking up on a Monday is a terribly difficult task to accomplish, especially when there’s a pair of slender, strong arms wrapped around your waist hanging on like a damn lifeline. Eren did his best to push the body next to him off his side of the bed so at least he could hit the snooze alarm on his persistent clock, but the pale hands dug further into the fabric of his pajamas.

“Mikasa, we’re going to be late for school.” His sleep-caked voice came out coarse and rough and he blamed puberty.

No response.

Eren moaned and groaned in protest hoping it would stir his sister, which worked to no prevail. Seriously what the heck; Mikasa was never a deep sleeper.

_Beep beep beep._

The shrilling sound pierced his ears more intensely, almost painfully until his head started to throb. Why was it so loud? Panic rose through his body trying desperately to crawl up his throat in screams like vomit. He moved around frantically, squirming under the pressure Mikasa was applying to his ribs. He wanted to get out of his room. He just wanted out. Why wouldn’t she let go?!

_BEEP BEEP BEEP._

 

Eren managed to free one his hands and pressed it against the side of head attempting to cancel out the agonizingly loud noise.

The small blue walls of his room were illuminated by the blinking red light coming from his clock. He glanced at it. The words GET UP replaced where the time usually was and wave of confusion washed over him. Since when had his clock been able to display words? Did his parents buy a new convulsive clock as a prank? Because it was not amusing to him at all.

He pounded on Mikasa’s back and kicked at her legs.

“Mikasa! Let go, let go, let go!” He shouted in her ear, pushing at her body in the little space provided. The noise got louder and louder and began to drown out his screaming and the anxiety knotting in his stomach was pulled impossibly tighter. He looked frantically around the room. It was dark except for the clock’s illumination and all of his night lights were absent. His room was clamped shut and there was no one on the other side trying to get in.

 

Where were his parents? Surely, they heard the racket coming from his room and would come in to pry Mikasa off of him. Why was she even here? This wasn’t her room. Eren suddenly felt angered at the breach of privacy, but the emotion was second to none to what he was feeling towards that clock.

He wanted to shout a thousand curse words he’d heard from TV and older boys at school, but his mother had engraved it into his mind not to. Not unless he wanted an ear pulling.

“Don’t sleep.” Sleep? He was awake.

The words were merely whispers and Eren wasn’t sure how he had heard them in the first place. He looked down at his sister with crazy confused eyes and demanded she let go of him; she complied this time.

Eren bolted to the end of the bed as soon as he was able to. He grabbed the glitching clock and threw it on the ground; it shut up immediately.

He slumped against his wall and soon the anxiety that had welled up in his body eased out alongside his breaths. He glared at Mikasa.

“What’s up with you?” He was infuriated. This was worse than when she had ratted him out to Mom and Dad about stealing Tim Weaver’s hat during recess.

“Don’t go.” Her face was impassive and creepy to be honest, so Eren started to get off the bed and out his door.

“I’m sorry, brother.”

A chill ran up his spine; he hated when she said brother like that. He left anyways and made his way to the illuminated kitchen.

The aroma of burnt eggs and waffles attacked his nose.

Dad wasn’t sitting at the table reading the paper. How odd.

Mom was in the kitchen in her usual attire cooking and humming to an unrecognizable song. Eren sat at the table warily; everything was just so weird today. He didn’t understand how his mom hadn’t heard the uproar from upstairs, but decided to not question it.

He laid his head on the table, blinding his vision.

He heard the clatter of a plate being set down and he looked up a fraction from his position only to see what was on the plate. Waffles. Eren scrunched his face in confusion. “How come you’re making waffles? It’s Tuesday.”

“What do you mean, darling? It’s Monday.”

But that was impossible. Yesterday was Monday. He remembered because he had gotten in trouble with Garret Reade and was sent to the principal’s office. He was about to tell this to his mom this when he noticed something on the pristine white plate. It was a big splat of red. Blood.

Splat. Another. And another.

It was coming from above; his head exactly. He touched his forehead and withdrew it immediately at feeling the stinging sensation from touching the wound. He stared at his messy hand.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“Mom I’m bleedi-“ Eren froze in shock. His stomach twisted in a mixture of disgust and pure horror and he wanted nothing more than to scratch his eyes out.

Eren’s mother had blood cascading from her face and a huge gaping grotesque hole in her stomach, yet she stood there smiling manically at him.

Deep crimson staining her white pearl teeth.

 

\--

 

Pain erupted through Eren like a volcano, wracking his body with agony; it consumed him, really. He couldn’t think clearly and wasn’t able to pin point where the source of the pain was manifesting from. It was everywhere. He heard a dull ringing in his ears, but couldn’t quite make out the sounds near him. He tried to concentrate his hazed mind. Were those police sirens?

Where was he? He couldn’t remember what had happened before whatever now was.

It was cold, really cold. Maybe he should put his jacket on. The noise of the sirens got louder as they came closer; Eren was annoyed. He just wanted to sleep, why couldn’t they see that? He was so tired, every ounce in his body told him to sleep, but something in the back of his mind told him no.

 _“Don’t sleep.”_ The warning sounded awfully familiar but he couldn’t remember who’d said it.

He decided to listen to the words.

He opened his eyes slowly, curious as to what was happening. Well, that hurt. That crossed out the possibility of this being a terrible dream, because the pain was too real. What’s happening? Was he dying? How could he be dying? He was so young! Well, he was nine and a half and it was something he often bragged about. Still, he couldn’t die now. Surely, this wasn’t what death was like.

There were lights, everywhere. Blue and red and white. It took him a couple of minutes of blinking before he was able to make out shapes and not just blurs of color. The car windshield was broken and cold air was coming in; that’s why he was cold. So very, very cold.

He wanted to complain to his mother about it after remembering she was there with him. That was a bad decision.

The cops were yelling around him and huddling over the driver seat. Someone yelled about the boy, him, being conscious. There was glass shattered everywhere and there was something warm dropping from his forehead, but none of the commotion could make him tear his eyes off of the vision before him.

A long sharp piece of grey metal was jutting through the window shield and it went straight through his mother’s stomach.

 

\--

 

Eren’s eyes flew open hysterically. His breathing was erratic and sweat was pooling at the bottom of his back. A wave of nausea washed over him at the déjà vu of it all. It was another nightmare. He was having those more often. Although, this was one was very graphic and felt like he had relived it all.

“Eren?” Armin’s small voice called from the kitchen. It was morning and Eren had stayed over Armin’s, fearing he would annoy Annie if he stayed over another night after being there for a week.

He got up and walked to Armin’s bathroom.

He looked like shit. Gross. He pulled himself into the shower and let scalding cold water run down his back and loosen his tense muscles. Unfortunately, he could not wash away his memories along with the sweat and grime. He got out and dried himself off, pulling on a pair of boxers, sweats, and a T-shirt.

He walked into the kitchen and leaned on the counter.

“Morning, sunshine.” Armin scrunched his nose in distaste at his nickname; Eren had always called him sun-related things since they were little.

“Did you sleep well?” His friend chirped.

Eren shook his head. There was no point in lying; Armin would just be able to see right through him anyway.

“Nightmare?”

Eren nodded.

“That’s the third this month.” Armin frowned at the pan he was handling.

Okay, so maybe Eren had sugar-coated the amount of nightmares he experienced but it was better off that way. Armin would just freak out and demand him to go see a doctor or therapist and that wasn’t fun for anyone involved.

“Did Gramps leave?” He asked trying to veer the conversation elsewhere.

Armin nodded. “He went to go visit Nana at the home.” Eren smiled warmly; he loved Armin’s grandpa. Every single day that old man would go buy flowers and visit his wife at the old folk’s home. It was sweet, really- How eternal some couples love was.

“Do you just wanna watch Netflix today? I don’t feel like moving.” Armin asked, pouting at his own words.

Eren happily agreed and hopped on the couch, scanning the genres for Tim Burton movies.

“Corpse Bride or Sweeney Todd?” He asked, practically yelling although it was completely unnecessary. Armin was like ten feet away.

“Those are on two completely different spectrums. How about something not directed by Tim Burton?” Armin suggested.

Eren groaned. “Oh, how about the Hobbit? It would be fun to watch a documentary on your own kind, wouldn’t it be, sunflower?”

Armin did his best to glare at his friend.

“Make one more short joke today or call me something yellow related, and I will leave you to starve.” He walked in with two plates full of eggs, ham, and toast.

“Technically, the sun is like red and orange so…” Eren grinned at Armin’s unamused face.

“Do you see this?” He motioned toward one of the plates in his hand. “It’s going out the window. Right, now.” He started to walk towards one of the opened windows, and Eren scrambled over to him; he kneeled and placed his hands on Armin’s feet.

“I beg of you, spare the bread.”

Armin busted out laughing and seated himself on the couch. “Get over here, moron. I would never waste food; Sasha would kill me.”

They both laughed and started the movie.

Perhaps today wouldn’t be too bad.

 

* * *

 

“You should really talk to her, Eren.”

Armin was right. He really should resolve this misunderstanding with his sister. The two had barely spoken in a week besides a few texts about where he was. But Eren was the King of procrastination and putting things off, so he wasn’t surprised it had gone on this long.

He huffed. “I know, I know.”

Armin looked at him expectantly.

“Now?”

“Uh, yeah. It’s been long enough tough boy.” Armin shoved him playfully. Eren would protest, but it would get him nowhere. He lay back abruptly on Armin crushing him with his weight.

“Ewe, get off me.” Armin squirmed from under Eren’s lanky body and got off the couch. Eren turned stomach down on said couch.

“Do I have to?” He whined.

“Eren.” Armin cautioned.

With one more long sigh, Eren pulled his phone out and dialed Mikasa’s number.

“Hello?”

“Heeey.” Eren dragged the word out in an awkward attempt at greeting his sister only to be met with silence.

“Okay, I just called because I’m really, really sorry and I needed to apologize because I was a rude asshole and you totally didn’t deserve that and Armin is being a pain in the ass about it and I really want to come home again and have everything back to normal.”

“That was like the worst apology ever.”

“I know everything about me is kind of the worst thing ever.”

Mikasa stifled a laugh. “Yeah, whatever. I miss your big butt anyway.”

“Who wouldn’t? It’s like gorgeous.” Eren bragged.

Mikasa scoffed. “I’d rather not talk about your ass, right now. Just come home, okay?”

“Okay.”

He hung up and as soon as he did Armin came back into the room applauding him.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything!” Armin said defensively.

“Whatever, buttercup.”

“That’s it.” Armin came charging and started to attack Eren with a pillow.

Yeah, today was a good day.

 

* * *

 

 

Another month passed with similar days. Eren still helped Hanji all the time and Levi still barely talked to him; when he did he was sure to add brat to the end of every sentence. Out of all nicknames he could have gotten he got brat or kid, but Armin got mushroom or muffin. It was completely unfair. Armin wasn’t even his student.

When he had voiced this to Levi, Levi had just said, “See, this is why you’re a brat. You just complain.”

Even so, his affections towards the professor never lessened no matter if he was fond of his nickname or not; if you could call them affections.

Eren wasn’t really sure, any longer. Everything was pretty confusing in his life at the moment. Everything was off tilter. Like the calm before the storm.

He hadn’t slept at Annie’s in a long time, his dad had been gone for forever, and Hanji still kept her promise and hadn’t told his little dirty secret.

He was anticipating the storm. It had to come, it just had to. There was no way Eren could be happy, and he was right. His dad was back that very night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha this was a sad excuse of a chapter but like it's a filler one and loose ends yk  
> (btw so like the first part was a dream from the actual time he crashed- like a dream from when he was unconscious in the car- and that was the actual memory of the crash I just didn't know how express it without it being a nightmare in the present.)
> 
> Next chapter: Levi POV in college yay
> 
> About that title........


	8. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There will be drug-use in this chapter.

**Levi**

_“You should give her a chance, Levi.”_

Levi’s head swarmed dizzyingly; it felt like his thoughts would cause his brain to implode making it ooze out of the cracks of his skull. With a groan he dropped his head in his hands and pressed against his temples hoping it would dull the throb.

Perhaps he had had a bit too much to drink last night. Levi was far from being a lightweight when it came to alcohol which usually led to heavy drinking without much thought put into the action. Although this was true he rarely got drunk or had more than a beer or a glass of wine, because of the aftermath. He loved alcohol but alcohol did not love him back.

No, the substance flat out hated him. It made him wonder what he had done to it to deserve such cruelty; maybe it was the sensitive type that liked to take things slow and not be chugged down like water. Either way, it made sure to remind Levi of his place.

He was surprised he had been able to drink the coffee he had that morning without it making a second appearance; his stomach swished and swashed all day like an Olympic gymnast who was pulling for gold. But the activity in his stomach had subsided and was soon replaced by the mind-scrambling headache that no amount of Advil had been able to dowse.

Hanji’s grating voice wasn’t helping much either.

She insisted on having Levi reconcile with his ex-fiancé, Petra, ever since the first reunion had gone askew. Levi knew that Petra’s face would in no way solve his hangover or untangle the matt of hatred he had grown towards her. So, he attempted at ignoring Hanji’s pleads, but the woman was persistent as ever.

Levi had been walking back from the bathroom- which he by no means actually used; the place reeked of insanitation- when he heard a familiar pterodactyl noise and had run into one of the spare rooms. It worked to no avail; Hanji had found him in a matter of seconds and immediately started hounding him with what she called “motherly love”.

He looked up at Hanji who had perked her mouth to speak and decided he might as well listen to what she had to say.

“You should give her a chance, Levi.”

 

* * *

 

 

**August, 1999**

“Oh, Levi it’s just not fair.” Isabel pouted from her spot on his bed, watching intently as he packed. Isabel’s adoptive parents had surprised Levi last year on his birthday to tell him that they just so happened to have some cash stashed away and planned to send Levi to college with it. Levi hadn’t been sure how to feel about it at the time, and not much had changed since.

College had never been a choice for Levi; it hadn’t even crossed his mind in a long time. As a kid he didn’t know if he would have a permanent home which made his future rather unpredictable and ever fluctuating. He was shuffled around from foster family to foster family like the joker card in a deck of cards; always unwanted and pretty damn useless. So, when he was fostered by Marie and Jason Kaufmann and they decided they liked joker cards, Levi’s world was flipped upside-down.

He was sixteen and had been spent his first five years of life in an orphanage, gone through seven different foster homes, and had lived in five different states. He ended up right where he started: New York State.

With his warn out leather jacket and semi-working iPod and headphones, he was shipped from Connecticut to New Rochelle and ended up at the front steps of what looked like a mansion to him. It was not in fact a mansion just a four story house set at the top of a very large hill, distant from other homes. To say the least Levi was very, very uncomfortable.

He was used to apartments so small they barely passed as living spaces and nasty people who were zonked out either by alcohol or drugs half the time they spoke to him. He was used to carrying two knives- one in his jacket pocket and another taped onto the inside of his combat boots. He was used to the high ride of getting his endorphins smacked around by house drugs, and the smell of burnt cigarettes.

He was _not_ used to kind parents who joked around with words and not fists or a girl who called him “brother” while she hugged him from behind. He was _not_ used to a built in security system that was set off every time he left the house if he forgot to key in the code. He was _not_ used to the smell of home cooked meals or newly lit expensive as fuck cigars.

Everything he had learned and experienced- everything that made him the way he was- was completely useless and irrelevant in this life. But that didn’t mean he didn’t like it. He loved it.

He practically reveled at having a normal family and a normal life. He liked being able to walk down the halls of his school without being harassed. He liked his new life, immensely. He liked the people in it as well.

Isabel Magnolia was a small twelve year old ball of energy and laughter when she met Levi. She had lived with the Kaufmann couple for almost the entirety of her life and never had to live through the hardships that most foster kids had to. For once, Levi didn’t think of someone’s luckiness in life as a con. He didn’t care that Isabel couldn’t relate to Levi’s problems like all his old friends. He didn’t want her to.

He realized that when you’re surrounded by happy people they tend to rub off on you.

And that’s what he was now: Happy.

Happy because he was going to college. Happy because he was no longer reliant on drugs. Happy because he had friends like Hanji and Erwin. Happy because he had a mom and dad who loved him for everything he did and everything he _was._

Isabel on the other hand was not happy.

“What’s not fair?” He asked her.

Isabel pulled at her short pigtails in frustration and fell back on his made bed.

“You, leaving!” She groaned and turned onto her stomach. “You’re leaving and I only got to keep you for three years. It’s just not fair.”

Levi huffed as he folded a T-shirt. “Keep me? I wasn’t aware I was one of your dolls.”

Isabel shot up and pointed a finger at him. “I don’t play with dolls anymore.”

“I never accused you of such a thing,” He replied, “besides you didn’t really play with dolls per say. You tended to rip their heads off and throw them at people when you didn’t get what you wanted.”

“And I still will pelt you with decapitated heads if I have to.” Isabel’s eyes widened manically.

“Whoa there, Chesapeake Ripper, calm down.” That comment received a pair of socks to the face.

Isabel stayed quite for too many seconds so Levi decided to look up from his packing. His sister’s big green eyes were rimmed with tears that threatened to spill out any second and her pouting lips were quivering.

Oh, god. Levi hated crying. Not him crying specifically just crying overall. Wanting to cry, people crying, making people cry just did not settle with him well. Seeing or making someone cry almost seemed worse than actually crying yourself. At least when you cry, you don’t have to console yourself or worry about saying the right thing because you are the one in pain. Other people crying- was a big no-no. He could not deal with it. He knew how to deal with it. You’re supposed to pat them on the back or hug them and tell them it’ll be alright and all the bullshit they feed you in movies and TV shows. Now actually consoling someone is where he got stuck.

Especially with Isabel. You see, Isabel cries a lot. Not because she’s sad but because she’s an angry crier. So, when she did cry Levi didn’t have to comfort her. Probably, because he was usually on the end of her anger but also because it would only make her madder.

Isabel clenched her fists around his comforter, wrinkling the material. He frowned; it was a new bed set.

He pushed his luggage onto the floor and slipped onto the bed. He sat with his legs crossed, his knees touching his sisters. He reached and thumbed the tears on the girl’s cheek. She leaned into the touch and closed her eyes.

“Don’t ruin that pretty face with tears, because of me, kid.”

Her eyes popped open and she cracked a smile. “I’m not a kid you jerk.” She playfully punched his arm and fell onto his chest. Levi petted her small head.

“I’m going to miss you too.”

 

* * *

 

**August, 1999**

 

“Who are you again and why are you talking to me?” Levi raised an eyebrow in question at the petite honey blonde girl in front of him. She had eyes that matched her hair, and they were wide with hope and glee; the type of eyes that smiles actually reached. She held a clipboard and an abundance of folders against her chest.

“Petra Ral. Sorry, I should have introduced myself,” she held out a hand to shake Levi’s but never quite accomplished what it set out to do. She dropped it back down. “I’m part of the welcoming committee. I tell you about the school, the courses you’ll take, how to get around, and who not to anger.”

“Isn’t that what orientation is for?”

“Did you go to orientation?”

Levi narrowed his eyes at the girl. He did not go to orientation, but that didn’t mean he was going to listen to this annoyingly nice chic for more than he had to.

“And that is exactly why you’re talking to me.” She beamed and started to walk down the hall not waiting to see if Levi followed her. He did.

“What year are you? You look like you still belong in high school so there’s no way you’re a sophomore.” He barked at her back.

“That’s because I’m not.”

“Wait. So you’re a freshman and yet here you are. A part of the welcoming committee and showing people your age around a school you haven’t yet attended.” Levi smiled sourly. It was the only type of smile he was able to conjure ever since he left the comforts of his home.

She laughed slightly as if sharing some inside joke with herself. “My dad is the Dean. I’ve been in and out of these halls my whole life.” She stopped in front of a set of doors before going through them. It lead to a parking lot that Petra had already begun walking through.

This girl got on every single nerve in Levi’s body, but he couldn’t say it didn’t excite him slightly.  

\--

**Petra- December, 1999**

Petra’s face scrunched up in confusion. There was a slight buzzing in her ears and it was disturbing her sleep causing her to drift into that half state of being awake and dreaming. The buzzing got more persistent; this time it made her open her eyes. She stared up at her moonlight lit ceiling; it was night- the middle of the night. The buzzing was coming from the phone that was connected to the living room wall; someone had called them.

She heard a groan to her right. “Petra, what the fuck?” The voice was heavy with sleep and exhaustion.

She quickly whispered a sorry to her roommate and left the room. She sat on the floor of the living room. They still hadn’t gotten a new couch after Hanji had destroyed their old one with an experiment of hers, so she had to settle for the carpeted floor and the wall. She reached up the wall and grabbed the phone, stretching the cord until it met her face.

“Petra!” She immediately drew her face away from the phone. It was way too early in the morning to be screamed at through a damn phone. She warily leaned towards the phone.

“Hello?”

“Petra! It’s me Moblit.” Petra and Moblit were not close friends at all which meant he was calling because of her boyfriend, Levi. That or Hanji, but girls weren’t allowed to go over to the boys dorm after eight, so it wasn’t a liable reason.

“What’s wrong?” She rubbed at her burning eyes with her free hand.

“It’s Levi. Hanji brought him home late, and she was about to leave when he started screaming about some key missing. You have to come over! We can’t calm him down.” Moblit kept babbling, but Petra couldn’t quite register what he said over the static.

“Hold up, Moblit.” She yanked on the cord hoping that would clear up the static and put the phone back to her ear.

“I can’t go over. If they catch me there, Dad’ll kill me.”

“That’s exactly why you need to come! If someone doesn’t shut him up, we’ll be reported and probably expelled. Please, Petra? You’re the only one he’ll listen to.”

It was an interesting process of leaving the girls dorm and getting to the boys dorm. Especially, since you had to pass right by the main office to get there.

Petra zipped her jacket up all the way and pulled her hoodie on, so that if she was caught and made a run for it, she wouldn’t be recognized. The school took their rules very seriously, and she wasn’t about to be caught breaking them. She ran to the parking lot and hid behind cars, shuffling over to another and ducking behind it. She kept doing that until there were no more cars. Shit. What now?

The office lights were on, but she could see no one inside, so she made a run for it. Petra practically collapsed at Moblit’s and Levi’s door when she got there; she hadn’t sprinted like that in long time and her legs were complaining below her. She knocked on the door weakly, and was pulled in a second later.

Behind closed doors you could barely notice the chaos that ensued inside. Moblit was pacing in the living room screaming at Levi, who was in the bedroom, to stop; he didn’t stop. Hanji stood calmly next to her watching her boyfriend frantically try to stop her best friend from tearing their dorm room to shreds. With one worried glace at Hanji, Petra entered the room.

Levi was currently jumping around on one of the beds tearing at the sheets mumbling something that sounded like “where is it” and “this is all Hanji’s fault”. He was clearly slightly buzzed maybe drunk, which is something Levi hated, but also explained his current distress.

“Levi.” She called out calmly from the end of the bed. Levi didn’t hear her or didn’t care enough to listen, and jumped off the bed, to run past her and into the bathroom.

She walked after him. “Levi.” He was opening and slamming drawers becoming more disappointed as each one came up empty. He pressed his hands against the counter in defeat for a few seconds before punching it, making a loud blunt sound echo through the dorm. His knees gave out and he fell to the ground quietly sobbing in misery.

Petra sat in front of him and collected his face in her hands. She thumbed at his tears and leaned her forehead against his.

“What’s wrong, Rivialle?”

“I lost it. I lost the key. I can’t lose the key, but I did. I lost it.” The key Levi was speaking of was one he was given by his caretaker in France. He held the key very dear to him, so Petra always assumed that his caretaker was someone he loved very much. Levi never talked about her and Petra never made him, and she decided to leave it at that. It was gold and Levi had put it on his key ring, even though he said it was useless and meant nothing to him.

She pulled away from him and reached into her pocket, pulling the key out. He had left it at her place a couple nights ago when it fell of his key ring and he was too lazy to put it back on.

“You mean this?”

 

* * *

 

 

**Levi- January, 1999**

Funny thing, your brain, how it always functions on one level or another. How, even stuck in some sort of subconscious limbo, it works your lungs, your muscle twitches, your heart, in fact, in symphony with your heart, allowing it to feel love. Pain. Jealousy. Guilt. Levi wondered if it was the same way for other users. Or if he was the only one that was allowed into this second dimension of reality.

Of course this he only entered this world for a short amount of period before the affect wore off.

Most people prefer the Rush meth gifts; the Rush is the first thing to hit your body when you first take in any form of meth, and that’s exactly what it’s like: a hit. Levi could only imagine it had the same impact that a semi-truck had when crashing into a car. It starts out like a warm numbing feeling in your chest. It makes your pulse race as it reaches your heart and makes your thoughts skyrocket when it melts into your head. It feels good-insanely good. A good no happiness, no kiss, no orgasm, no nothing can provide.

It lights your mind ablaze with new ideas and every single thought feels like a new discovery. Except it’s not. It’s just a perfectly sculpted lie that leaves you craving for more because it’s never like the first time.

Levi thought about taking another hit, but decided against it. He would have to go back to his room and be confronted by Moblit and probably Hanji soon. He glanced over at his newly made friend.

“What’s your name again?” The girl seemed to still be going through the Rush and was smiling at the ceiling blissfully. Her soft blonde curls bounced as she spoke touching her shoulders with their tips.

“Levi.”

She hummed. “It’s Hitch, by the way. I have a feeling you couldn’t remember mine either.” She turned her head towards him with an all too knowing look. Levi slumped further down the wall until his head lay nicely on the carpet floor of Hitch’s room. Hitch had the rare luck of not being stuck with a roommate, so they needn’t worry about being walked in on. The staff of the school didn’t care if boys were in girls’ rooms or vice versa until 8pm. At that time they would come barging in and take you hostage to who knows where; probably Hell.

“So, what got you into Glass?” Glass meaning Meth. Levi had heard many nicknames for the drug over the years. There was Crystal, Crank, Glass, Amp, Speed, Crunch, Chalk, and the list kept growing. Levi preferred calling it Monster. Because that’s exactly what it was: a monster. One that consumes your entirety, your life, your body, and your loved ones. It enslaved your mind onto a one-track record of destruction.

“The usual. Bad life, bad neighborhood, good drugs…” His words were slightly slurred but came out well enough to be understood.

She hummed again.

“What about you?” He asked.

“I’m not sure. I guess I just wanted to feel good.” She looked over at him, but continued. “It’s just so hard to feel good. You know?”

Levi knew. And more than that it was just so incredibly hard to feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there will be Ereri soon ^^ Even I'm over here like for fuck's sake when will they love each other.  
> Next chapter: Reiner throws a party at his parents??  
> \--Edit: I changed the meaning of the Key--


	9. Hatred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Hatred is a strong emotion and it tends to consume it's hosts.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sighs* My name's Oriana and I am a comma-addict. Seriously, we should have a meeting or something because I swear I give English teachers all around the world stomach ulcers.

The music resonated throughout Eren’s body as he made his way to the stereo; it was blaringly loud to the point that he couldn’t tell whether the song had lyrics or if he was just mistaking them for the beat.

He turned it off earning groans from his companions.

“Who touched my stereo?!” Reiner called from the kitchen where he was pulling beers out of the fridge. By some miracle, Reiner’s parents had left their gigantic house to Reiner while they were gone for the weekend. Honestly, they would have been better off had they never told Reiner they were leaving, that way they could salvage the house. But they did which meant the home was unoccupied; therefore, completely and totally available to hold a party. Or at least that was Reiner’s reasoning.

Eren had stopped by the bar after classes, wanting to catch up with Annie after unconsciously ignoring her for the past month. She was closing the bar early when Eren got there, and had invited him to come along with her. He had assumed their destination was her apartment, but he really couldn’t care less where they were going as long as it was far from his own home. Eren absentmindedly rubbed at the newly forming bruise under his ribs, at the thought of home.

He was just glad his dad hadn’t damaged his face or any visible body parts like the last time. The teenager didn’t want a repeat of the interrogation Levi made him undergo. Especially since things were going smoothly between the two. Levi no longer bothered him about his injuries and carried out his duties as a teacher. Although, unlike other students, Eren, was the only one that Levi, in his own way, went easier on.  Hanji insisted that Levi thought of Eren as a friend, and as the days went by Eren came to agree.

On some occasions where both boys were dragged by Hanji to coexist outside of school, Eren would catch Levi smiling at something stupid Eren said or did even though the man tried to hide it with his cup of coffee or tea. Other times he would ruffle Eren’s hair like he was dog or say brat or kid with less animosity, and Eren would be lying if he said his stomach didn’t flip every time these things happened.

He shook his head in attempt to rid his thoughts of Levi, and dealt with the task at hand: mentally preparing himself for the chaos Reiner’s party would bring.

“Was it you, Jaeger?” Reiner had come out of the kitchen, and was now pointing at Eren with a beer bottle, accusingly.

“Huh?”

“Why on Earth would you be so cruel and turn off the sweet angelic beats of my music?” The tall blonde moved closer to Eren, with an intimidating grin on his face.

“Now, now, Rei-Rei we wouldn’t want you to blow a fuse before your party.” Eren put his index finger on his friend’s muscled chest and pushed him back. Reiner resisted for a moment before letting out a loud cackle.

He threw his arm around Eren’s neck, playfully, but still crushed Eren with his weight. “There’s my boy.”

“Don’t break Annie’s doll or she’ll kick your ass.” Jean came in the room out of seemingly nowhere with Marco, Armin, and Mikasa in tow.

“Gross. You invited horseface?” Eren looked up at Reiner with disappointment, who had finally let go of him. Reiner shrugged.

Jean was fuming and about to say something when Eren grabbed Armin and ran with him out the front door. As soon as he was outside the music was back on inside.

Armin squeezed Eren’s hand, “What was that for?”

Eren shrugged and sat on the tall bricked fence that surrounded the property. “Don’t know, just wanted to get out of there.” He threw a grin towards his best friend.

Armin’s bright, cropped hair looked orange in the streetlight. He stood there with an arched brow but eventually sat next to Eren without another question.

“So, tell me. What’s the latest gossip?” Eren wiggled his eyebrows, suggestively.

Armin scowled. “I don’t know what gossip you’re in search of,” he paused, “but…” He smiled as Eren bumped his shoulder.

“But what?”

“Hmm, well Mikasa met this girl in one of her classes. Her name’s Mina. They get along well, and hang out a lot. She’s coming here tonight actually.” He tapped his feet at the air between his shoes and the ground he couldn’t reach.

“I think Reiner and Bert are going at it.” He added with a soft giggle.

“Well, yeah. That much is obvious.” He thought for a second. “What about Marco and his horse? They weren’t attached at the hip when they came in the house.”

Armin gaped at him. “What?!” Eren asked feeling uncomfortable under his friend’s gaze.

“Eren! They broke up last month.” He kicked Eren’s shin.

“Wait, what? Seriously?”

Armin nodded.

“Huh. I would’ve thought they would have gotten married eventually. They’ve been friends for so long.”

“They still are friends, just not boyfriends.” Armin looked quizzically at Eren.

“I never got that. How can you be friends with your ex? It’s just weird.” Armin hummed in acknowledgment to his comment.

They stayed silent for a while just looking up at the barely noticeable stars. It’s difficult to see them when you’re so close to the city; specifically, New York City, whose lights obscure the sky’s own.

Their peaceful silence did not last long. A car, followed by a tail of dozens of other ones pulled up to the street. Out popped Sasha and Connie from one of the vehicles, filling the prior silence with laughter.

Eren threw his head back and grumbled. The party had started.

\--

Eren had been wrong when he believed that the music had been unbearably loud earlier because it was much, much louder now. He moved to lower part of the house where most of his friends had gone.

A couple people greeted him as he walked down the stairs recognizing him from college. After news had broken out about the fight he was in people had started to reach out to him and make more of an effort to be his friend. He didn’t know of it was because they wanted to be on his good side so they wouldn’t end up like the guy in the parking lot or if they just moved along with the majority of the crowd, but they practically worshipped him.

The jocks were fairly fond of him and he had gotten countless of invites to keggers from people he had never heard of and a few insisted he joined the football or wrestling team to which he awkwardly but kindly rejected. The girls loved him too- maybe a bit too much. But overall it was nice change to finally be on the other side of the popularity scale.

It wasn’t that he wanted to be popular; he honestly didn’t give a shit about it, but it did come with its perks. Armin for one was left alone by jerks and absolutely adored by the girls that hung around Eren. Even his friends from high-school seemed to respect him a bit more.

The only people who weren’t too keen on Eren’s growing reputation were his teachers. Well, besides Hanji and Levi- but only because Levi hadn’t liked him since the beginning and Hanji was Hanji. All the other ones saw him as a troublemaker and he swore they graded him harsher because of it.

And then there was Pixis. Oh dear god.

Dot Pixis was his Fitness and Health professor, and Eren couldn’t tell if the man loved or despised him. Either way, he pushed Eren harder than anyone else until he reached the brink of exhaustion. All the while, calling him ‘tough boy’ and ‘beast’ as “encouragements”. After every class he was drenched in sweat and his body was sore to the touch, but it was worth it because he was finally developing defined muscles and didn’t look like the awkward lanky teenager he was before.

Now that he was thinking about it Pixis had to like him because he clearly remembered when he had been embarrassed in front of the entire track team. Pixis had pulled him out the locker room and thrown him in front of a crowd of sweaty kids in green and white uniforms.

“Ya’ see this kid here?” He had grasped Eren’s shoulder and was grinning. “This is Eren Jaeger and all of ya’ll little whining brats should look up to him and aspire to be at least half as good as him. He can run a mile in four minutes and thirty-seven seconds and I have yet to see any of you do so. He can bench press almost twice as much as your best and doesn’t even break a sweat.”

Eren shifted self-consciously from foot to foot under Pixis side hug. A few kids scoffed at hearing their coach boast about Eren but most of them just gawked at him in awe.

Pixis had kept rambling on and on but one thing he said stuck out was when he called Eren a human Titan (which he had no clue what it was supposed to mean) but he somewhat liked the sound of it.

The only class he didn’t excel was General Biology, but Hanji had been more than happy to offer tutoring him when he was _supposed_ to be doing his punishment hours.

Speaking of the devil, Hanji burst in through door and practically leaped over the pool table to get to Eren. It was odd to see her wearing something else than her usual lab coat, but didn’t give much thought to her attire.

“Hanji, I saw you literally like four hours ago,” Eren’s wheezed for air under his friend’s crushing embrace.

“I know, I know,” she stepped back and brushed off invisible dirt off of her sweater.

Once she had released Eren and his vision wasn’t distorted by under oxygenation he realized Levi and another man were standing behind her. Levi looked bored and disinterested as he scanned the area with disapproving eyes; his exterior was the complete opposite to the man next to him. The man to Hanji’s right was a tall blonde and looked as uncomfortable as possible.

He shifted his attention back to Hanji. “You just looked so darn cute.” She gestured to his outfit. Eren was wearing tight black skinny jeans that were hell to get into and an oversized green sweater that accentuated his eye color. He could feel his cheeks blossom pink as he noticed Levi’s gaze settle on him at Hanji’s comment.

Hanji’s eyes widened as she realized something. “Eren, this is Moblit.” She waved at the tall blonde next to her.

Eren nodded. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” He smiled and shook Moblit’s hand.

Moblit smiled back. “I hope it was all good things, but knowing Hanji…” His words drifted off as he looked lovingly at his fiancé who scowled at him. Eren’s gaze wandered to Levi who was staring right at him. Eren looked away quickly as heat pooled in his face.

Eren felt someone squeeze his hips making him jump slightly. He glared at Armin who had appeared out of nowhere.

“Hey guys.” Armin leaned against Eren. Hanji brightened at seeing Armin. The two had grown close quickly over their love for science, even if Hanji’s personality would seem overwhelming to Armin’s calmer one.

“Mushroom, I didn’t think you were the party type.” Levi directed towards Armin.

“I am actually. Eren’s the one who doesn’t like them.” Armin grinned and Levi’s stare returned to Eren if only for a moment.

“Yet you still drag me out to them.” Eren retorted. It wasn’t that Eren didn’t enjoy parties, what teenager didn’t? It was just when he drank too much bad things tended to happen, but it was just boring when he didn’t.

Hanji, Armin, and Moblit were so engrossed in their conversation they didn’t notice when Levi slipped away or when Eren left soon after.

 

* * *

 

**Levi**

 

Hanji and Arlert’s yapping had driven Levi somewhere upstairs on the third floor. The house was unnecessarily big and he didn’t even know who owned it. It obviously wasn’t Eren or Armin’s, but probably one of their friends considering they invited Hanji along. Hanji insisted that he go although he didn’t know why he agreed. It wasn’t liked he was friends with anyone here besides four-eyes and he was only… acquaintances with Eren. Or whatever you would categorize their relationship. Either way he didn’t necessarily want to be around the kid. Something about him seriously unnerved him. Specifically his eyes; they could strip him from his guard with just a look.

It made him feel vulnerable and naked and he wasn’t sure if it was because he resembled Izzy or if it was something else. Whatever it was he didn’t want to deal with it right now.

The music was annoyingly loud and electronic based and the people were loud as well as they drank themselves into a stupor. It was everything Levi disliked. It wasn’t clean in any way and it gave him no room to think or breathe, but somehow he wasn’t having a terrible time. It was almost like he had missed this type of lifestyle where people weren’t uptight and everyone was just trying to have fun.

He hadn’t gone to a proper party in probably six years; he hadn’t had time to. Between Isabel’s death and jail and then Erwin’s constant babysitting Levi hadn’t had time to return to his old manic ways. Not that he wanted too. He never wanted to touch drugs ever again but he would be lying if he said he didn’t miss the excitement about everything else.

At one point someone had handed him a beer and he had ended up sitting on a couch for a while. He was content on staying there until a couple of rowdy teenagers came in and started to play a movie. He got up to leave.

The man across the room nodded at him and raised his beer bottle to him. He eyed Levi the entire time he walked across the room.

Levi smirked. If only the boy knew he was one of the professors at his college.

He started to walk down a hall when he passed a bathroom and stopped. It was dimly lit and closed half-way, and he could hear a familiar snorting sound.

He stood there for couple of seconds contemplating whether to open the door or not. Even though he was still thinking his hand had already made up its mind and was starting to move the door open.

There were four kids in the large bathroom. One guy was lying in the bathtub and two others were on the floor. The girl directly in front of Levi was hunched over the sink. She tipped her head back with her fingers on her nose; she sniffed and let out a low chuckle.

Levi’s prediction had been correct; they were doing drugs. The girl was probably snorting cocaine and one of the guys was cutting up small white crystals with a razor blade on the toilet seat. Levi scrunched his face in disgust. It was unsanitary and he had vowed to never touch any form of drug ever again. He knew this, but for some reason he wasn’t walking away.

The girl in front of him turned around. She was ghastly pale and her light brown eyes were rimmed red. She stared at Levi and pushed her hair back before wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

“Want some?”

Levi’s heart was pounding hard beneath the skin that felt clammy and cold.

He stared at the girl taking the environment in. It smelt heavily of sweat and alcohol and there was a slight sweet aroma in the air that probably belonged to the girl’s perfume.

He wanted to say yes so badly. He wanted nothing more than to give in and go back to what was normalcy to him, but he couldn’t. His feet were planted to the ground as if they were a part of it, and he couldn’t step forward to accept her invitation nor could he back away.

But on the off chance his feet decide to cooperate with him what would happen next? He was telling himself no but since when has no ever meant no, truly and honestly, without any doubt or want. He was telling himself no but the only thing he could process was yes.

What would happen **if** \- and that was a big, big if- he decided to turn away?

Would he go back down stairs and find Hanji and Eren and immerse himself into a conversation he didn’t actually want to be in? Would he let loose and drink until the blood in his veins was drowned in alcohol? Maybe he wouldn’t do any of these things. Maybe he didn’t want to turn away. Close the door. Take a peek into the past.

Maybe he wanted to be young again. Free. Invincible.

What would happen **if-** and it was a big if- he decided to play Russian roulette with an old opponent?

Would everything change as it did before?

Would he be the same as before- living without purpose, yet alive for some reason?

Maybe things wouldn’t be so simple. Perhaps, the second dip into the shallow end wasn’t shallow at all but filled with the depths of insanity and despair.

But it was better than this. Right? Living this life as if he wasn’t tainted and haunted by his mistakes. Like he wasn’t the devil among mortals. Like he hadn’t actually been the monster parents tell their kids about: because monsters are never men who turn into wolves on the full moon or attractive assholes who drain you of every last drop of blood in your body. No. Monsters, and demons, and beasts are none of these things.

They’re the people you love most; the ones you let inside your walls. They’re the ones you hand your heart to when they mouth the three words “I love you”. Because “I love you” sounds awfully like “I lied to you” and “Levi” sounds a lot like “Evil”.

Levi was Evil because evil was within Levi, making his blood a sickly black and his heart cripple and die. He was contaminated because his hands were not clean. Because even if he was infatuated with cleaning and disgusted by dirt he could never clean the blood off his hands. Because Levi was one of those monsters. He was the one who was responsible for his sister’s death. He was a killer. A murderer. And all that was left after Isabel left this world was hate.

Hatred was strong emotion, and it tended to consume it’s hosts.

He hated drugs, because they ruined his life.

He hated his parents-his real ones- because they gave up on him and started the chain reaction of disappointment.

He hated Isabel for loving him, and her parents for forgiving him.

He hated that asshole, Kenny, who controlled his every action and emotion in his life. The one who yanked the collar around his neck told him when to breathe and how high to jump even if Levi had no legs. The same man who had stripped him of his childhood innocence.

He hated Farlan because Farlan hated him.

He hated Petra because she left him, yet he still loved her.

He hated Hanji and Erwin for still being by his side even though he didn’t deserve it.

He hated God- fuck, did he hate that son of a bitch- for taking Isabel away before it was her time.

But most of all he hated himself, because he was still breathing.

So did it really matter whether he ruined his already screwed life for the millionth time?

“Levi?”

He turned to his left trying desperately to focus on the voice instead of the euphoria the girl was offering him.

It was Eren. What was he doing here? Oh yeah, this was his friend’s party.

Eren’s big wide orbs bore into Levi, and he looked wounded and scared. But Levi could tell the fear was meant for Levi.

And although Levi had ended up on this side of the house because he wanted to get away from those pair of eyes he ended up relieved to see them.

They had given him the reminder of why he had to say no. Because, they looked like Isabel’s and he had to be strong for her; he owed her.

Levi gave a sigh of relief and moved away from the scene in the bathroom. He grabbed Eren’s wrist and started making his way out of that house.

“Come on; let’s get out of here, Bright Eyes.”

 

* * *

 

**Eren**

 

Hanji hadn’t lost sight of him for the entire party and she wouldn’t let him leave.

Right this second her eyes were glued to him as he spoke with Connie about the first time they got high in high school.

She wanted to talk and Eren certainly didn’t. He had a bad feeling about what it was about, and he had no clue how she had caught on.

He hadn’t told her his dad was back in town, and as far as he knew Mikasa or Armin hadn’t either.

So, how, how did she know about the bruises that bloomed over his ribcage crying vivid lilac and blue? How did she know it pained him every time he laughed or coughed?

He was growing increasingly anxious of the inevitable conversation. What would she do? Would she confront him? What if she told somebody and Dad went to jail? He can’t go to jail. No matter how much he feared the man and how much his chest clenched and bile rose in his throat every time his dad spoke, he couldn’t let him go to jail. If he went to jail, that meant Eren and more importantly Mikasa wouldn’t have the financial support to go to college. He didn’t want to ruin Mikasa’s future for selfish reasons.

If his dad was out of the picture completely that meant Mikasa would have lost another set of parents. It also meant she would have to take the role as Eren’s guardian. She already mothered him, and he didn’t want to put more responsibility on her shoulders.

If he had to continue to go through pain for the ones he loved it was okay.

It was better to receive pain than inflict it.

He kept telling himself this as Hanji sauntered over to him.

“Eren.” He beamed a fake smile at her and hoped she wouldn’t see the cracks in his mask.

She did.

“Just drop it.” She hissed in a hushed voice.

“Drop, what?” He tried to play the dumb card, but she didn’t buy it.

“Come with me.” Her words had no room for argument so he did.

Eren followed her with clenched fists and shaky breaths the whole way.

Hanji pulled him into a bathroom after knocking on it to make sure they wouldn’t barge in on someone taking a shit.

She stared at Eren expectantly with crossed arms and pursed lips.

“You know, your boyfriend might get jealous if you keep dragging me off to places.” He joked. She was not amused.

“Lift up your shirt.”

Her command made Eren’s brain short-circuit. He had never thought she would ask him something like this. Sure he was prepared for her anger and accusations but to demand to see proof-evidence. Evidence that could be used against his dad- against his family. That wasn’t something he had thought of.

“What? Why… No, I-I,” he stumbled over his words trying to figure out why the bathroom seemed to have gotten smaller, “No.”

She glared at Eren, her eyes blazing with anger behind her rectangle glasses. He fumbled in the small space and thumbed the circular mark around his thumb.

She noticed. “What’s that?” Her words were softer.

“Wha- Oh this,” he looked down at the self-inflicted crescent scar, “it’s nothing. I’ve always had it. I think Mikasa bit me when I was little or something.” He lied. Well, partially. He did have it from when he was little. Whenever he cried he was afraid people would hear him so he would bite the space right below the thumb’s knuckle as a way to muffle his sobs. It wasn’t until after his dad started beating him that he returned to the habit and it left a more permanent scar.

“She must have bit you hard.” God fucking dammit why did he have to befriend someone so smart?

 Eren laughed nervously in agreement.

“Still…” she drawled the word out, “I need to see your stomach, Eren.” She pleaded him.

“I can’t.” What did she think? That he was going to willingly give her evidence to work against his father. Even if that hadn’t mattered to him it wasn’t like he was proud of them and wanted to shove them into people’s faces as if saying “here look at how weak and pathetic I am! I can’t even protect myself against my own fucking father”.

“Please, Eren. I need to know. I worry about you, just please. Trust me.”

“Do you promise not to tell anyone?”

“You know I can’t do that anymore.”

He frowned but lifted his shirt anyway.

Hanji gasped slightly and her hand went to her mouth as she observed the sickening bruise that was forming over old scars.

“Oh, Eren.” But he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stand the look she had on her face.

She pitied him. So he left.

 

* * *

 

**Levi**

 

“Come on; let’s get out of here, Bright Eyes.”

Levi tugged at Eren’s wrist and led him out of the house eventually coming to the same place he had been earlier that night with Armin.

They ended up sitting on the lawn though instead of the rocks, but Levi didn’t know this of course.  Levi leaned back and pillowed his head with his arms.

He hadn’t said a thing since Eren found him and he didn’t know what or how to say anything to the kid.

He wasn’t sure what Eren had seen but by the look on his face, he had seen enough. He had no idea what the fuck happened to him back there. He had lost all restraint and progress that he had built over the last few years, and he was going to blow it all off- for what? A few snorts of a drug he never fancied at a party he wasn’t even meant to be at?

Either way had it not been for Eren he would’ve broken his promise to Isabel. And if he had he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself.

He smiled to himself. That stupid brat was worth more than he gave him credit for.

The moon was shining clear through the sky and the stars were finally able to shine without the clouds blocking them. Even if it was only dimly.

The moon’s light made Eren’s eyes shine brighter as well, and he could say confidently that no other light did them justice. Those eyes. They weren’t completely green as he had previously thought. In this light they looked bluer than anything but they weren’t the dull grey blue that Levi possessed. The more he looked at them the less he was able to distinguish their color.

Eren felt his gaze and turned to look at him sheepishly, but Levi didn’t look away; he couldn’t nor did he want to.

“The stars are nice today.” Eren blurted out. Neither of them made an effort to look at them though.

“Well, you know with the whole being able to see them part. I mean since it’s New York City and all and it’s hard to…see…them.” He stopped babbling once he noticed Levi’s look.

“Sometimes I tolerate your existence and then you open your mouth.”

Eren puffed. “How can you blame me? You were staring at me and I got nervous.”

“Some things are better to look at than the stars, Bright Eyes.” Levi turned away but not before noticing Eren’s growing blush. There was a moment of silence before Eren continued.

“You’re suddenly nicer. Did you have brain altering surgery? Or do you just have a major case of bi-polar disorder?” Eren’s shit grin spread from ear to ear.

“Who said I was nice.” Levi frowned.

“Well, you stopped calling me brat.”

“That doesn’t mean you stopped being one.” Levi smirked as Eren laughed. His heart constricted painfully at the sound of Eren’s beautiful laugh. It was too pure; too innocent and untouched. It was everything Levi was not.

“Hey, kid.” Eren responded immediately to Levi’s voice and looked at him expectantly like a damn puppy.

“Thank you.”

Eren gasped dramatically. “He knows the words thank you.”

Levi glared and was tempted to hit him on the head.

He added shortly after, “It’s no problem.” Eren looked at Levi with a look Levi couldn’t decipher. “You looked like you needed help, and that’s what friends are for right?”

His heart sank at Eren’s words but skipped beats on the way down. “Yeah.” Levi muttered softly.

Hate was a strong emotion.

He hated Eren Jaeger because he didn't hate him at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you lovelies for reading because I haven't before, so THANK YOU!
> 
> Next Chapter: I'm just going to say it'll take a happier route than the rest of my chapters ;)


	10. Regulations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of substances because what else is this fic even about.  
> Written in different POVs than usual.  
> Hints of JeanArmin because that's a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh, Hi. Yeah this is late but I'm moving right now to New York, ha ha ha (Eren lives in NY too) and my computer has a virus so I had to write this on my mom's shitty laptop. Anyhow, Jesus Lord guys you got me to 1k! Thank you so much for reading ^^

**Armin**

 

After their little reunion with Hanji, Armin had lost track of his green eyed best friend, and ended up wandering around the house in hopes of finding someone familiar. Eventually he did, and once he had he arrived grumpily; two people had asked him if he was even old enough to be here.

It was Mikasa’s friend, Mina, who he had bumped into. She turned around about to glare at Armin, but her gaze softened upon realizing it was him. Honestly, the girl was as sweet as a pie and completely unaggressive, but her glares felt as bad as getting roundhouse kicked in the gut.

“Armin.” She pulled the honey blonde in for a warm hug before he could greet her back. Once she let go he noticed that Mikasa had been standing behind her.

“Thank God, I found you guys. Eren ditched me.” He muttered the word “asshole” quickly after. Mikasa’s eyes widened from her half closed slits to the size of saucers; maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

“Do you know where he is?” Mikasa asked as she stepped into his personal space with her disapproving crossed arms.

“Uh…” Armin wasn’t sure whether to lie to her or not, and if he did he didn’t know why he would. It wasn’t like Eren was doing anything bad. Well. He hoped.

Mina quickly came to his rescue, and grabbed her friends arm. “Mikasa, don’t butcher the boy. I’m sure your brother is fine.” She beamed a small smile that seemed to calm Mikasa a bit.

“As long as he’s not with that midget or the one with glasses.” She gestured to her face when talking about who he assumed was Hanji.

“You mean Professors’ Levi and Hanji?”

She nodded sourly.

Ever since she heard of their involvement in the fight between Eren and Armin’s bully, Mikasa had been wary of the two. Even though Armin had explained that they were in no way the cause of it nor did they encourage it, she wouldn’t listen. She claimed that the two were bad influences anyways and that he shouldn’t get attached to his professors and pay more attention to his studies than his teacher and that he should hang out with people his own age and her list kept growing. 

Armin still felt guilty about that fight and dragging Eren into his problems. He should’ve manned up and fought his own battles instead of having his friends do it for him like they had for most of his life.

At least the bullies had left both him and Eren alone after that. Actually, he hadn’t heard or seen the greasy bastard since. Maybe he dropped out of the university. It was probably just wishful thinking on his part though.

“Armin, meh boy!” He was torn away from his guilt ridden thoughts by a familiar voice: Sasha’s.

The brunette threw an arm around his neck causing him to hunch slightly. As always, Connie was right behind her and so were two other girls he hadn’t seen before. On his almost bald friend’s left was a tall brooding tan freckled brunette and on his right was petite girl, smaller than Armin, with bleach blonde hair and doll-like blue eyes. He had never seen the two before but he assumed they had acquainted themselves with Sasha and Connie.

“This dashing beauty is Ymir,” Connie waved at the brunette who in turn sneered at him. “And this pretty little thing is Krista.” He then waved at the blonde girl who giggled at her introduction. Ymir he noticed was not too fond at how close Connie had gotten to the other girl. Perhaps, they were a couple.

Armin, Mina, and Mikasa all introduced themselves to the two girls and not too long after they were all sitting on the floor of one of the empty guest rooms. They were later joined by Jean and Marco who were the definition of awkward when sitting next to each other. Jean ended up scooting closer to Armin making their knees touch. Occasionally, Jean would brush shoulders with him or whisper something in his ear that would cause him to either laugh or blush.

Not because of what he said but mostly because of the close proximity and having Jean's hot breath on his neck for some reason made him feel woozy as if he had just spun in circles ten times.   

“No, but get this. Armin ended being the maid and they dressed him up in this slutty get up and when he got up on stage he fainted!” Connie barked out a laugh at his storytelling.

Armin groaned and placed his hands over his tomato red face. “I had to!”

“In what world do you voluntarily dress up as a whorey maid?” Ymir asked which earned her an elbow to the rib from Krista.

“You don’t understand. I was the manager and the actress was sick and her understudy was stuck in traffic.” He grumbled.

“None of the other girls around were slim enough to fit into the outfit and Armin was the only one who could pull it off and still look like a girl.” Sasha snickered as she explained for him.

“And that ladies and gentlemen is the story of Armin Arlert’s first and last appearance on stage.” Connie pointed his index finger up to emphasize the sentence. The group burst into laughter except for Mikasa who gave him a sympathetic but amused look.

Jean leaned into him. "Cheer up, I bet you looked cute in a maid's outfit." He whispered into Armin's ear. "I know I wouldn't have minded." Armin Arlert blushed furiously like never before.

Armin groaned into his tucked in knees for the umpteenth time that night.

 

* * *

 

**Annie**

 

A bemused blue eyed Annie leaned on the door frame to one of the guest rooms. Her friends, excluding Reiner and Bertolt, sat strewn across the room’s floor hackling about a joke that assumingly, due to the boy’s behavior, Armin was the butt of. The button nosed boy had his face hiding in the crook of his elbow but not even it could hide the shade of red his face had become.

She chuckled to herself and walked over to him. Leaning down, she tousled his silky honey hair.

“They teasing you, Arlert?” She asked, a smile tainting her serious tone.

He nodded. “Kill them for me?” Armin looked up at her and pouted, making his lip quiver and his big baby blue eyes water. That bastard always knew how to stir up emotions in Annie. Normally, she would have carried out his request without a thought. She had beat up Connie once when he got too rough with Armin and had made him cry. But that was in their sophomore year of high school when they were all still fresh in the mind and to be frank, stupid.

“Please, don’t kill us.” The voice came from a small blonde girl that looked like the carbon copy of Armin, except with boobs and longer hair. Annie hadn’t met her before or the tan amazon girl next to her.

Annie raised her eyebrows questioningly. “That depends on who you are.”

“K-Krista Lenz and she’s Ymir,” Krista spluttered out the reply with frantic eyes; she actually believed Annie would beat her up. Then again, many of her current friends admitted they had thought the same when first meeting her.

“Relax.” Annie plopped down next to Armin and nudged him with her shoulder, rousing him from his slumber of humiliation.

“Was it the maid story?” She whispered into his ear.

He pulled away with a slight giggle; Armin’s ears and neck and that general area were very sensitive when someone breathed or blew on it, but that never stopped Annie from doing it whenever she could.

Armin nodded anyhow.

Annie felt a clammy hand on her shoulder. She recognized it immediately, and looked up Bertolt, a smile playing at the corner of her lips.

“Reiner wants to talk.”

The smile diminished.

\--

Annie heaved herself into the desk chair in Reiner’s dad’s office. The leather recliner consumed her small frame, yet she still looked intimidating, and Bertolt was feeling the brunt of the hostility she emanated. He stood awkwardly by the door waiting for Reiner like an obedient dog. Annie dropped her gaze from the boy.

Bertolt seemed almost unsettling to her nowadays. He used to be so lively and optimistic, always laughing when he tripped or made a mistake. But now he laughed due to anxiousness, and only around Reiner.

It was funny how easily things could change. How something that once seemed so solid now hangs by a thread.

She looked back at Bertolt. This time not to glare or sneer at him but just to look. The concoction of emotions that stirred inside her weren’t the same as before. She didn’t feel a hint of love that she held for him once nor did she feel the friendship they had shared as kids. What she felt towards him wasn’t hatred or disgust but it leaned towards that general area.

Besides the now and then pity she had, she felt impassive towards him.

Now, the story altered a bit when it came to Reiner. No, the hell with that. The story basically halted and jumped of the pages of the book when it came to him. Annie had always put up with him during high school because he was Bert’s friend and that was that. So when he offered to be her and Bert’s roommate and pay a third of the rent she couldn’t exactly say no. Then when she broke up with Bert and things between them began to strain Reiner served as a buffer around the house.

And now- now things _really_ had changed. Now none of them were friends or really mutually liked each other; they were strictly… business partners.

Speaking of the devil, Reiner came bursting in the door with three beers in hand and a shit-eating grin on his face. He shoved one of the bottles into Bert’s arms who laughed nervously while accepting it and placed the other on the desk next to Annie. She looked at as if he had just handed his shit to her in a plastic bag.

“Come on, Sourpuss let’s get down to business. Bertie make sure no one comes even an inch near that door.” Reiner shouted to the brunette and started to open the laptop that sat on the desk they shared. Annie leaned left as Reiner’s musk started to invade her personal space.

The business they ran was different to most and it wasn’t really theirs. It was a part of a much larger scheme of networks that they were a fraction of.

First and for most there was Reiner: he was what people liked to call “the Pitt”. Annie preferred the term colossal asshole but that apparently “didn’t settle well with customers”. More like Reiner complained about it until their boss said okay. He was called the Pitt because he did the brunt of the work and was the one who was used to collect the fees. And when the money wasn’t received he was the one who dealt out the beatings. He was ferocious and unpredictable like a trained fighting pit-bull and once you were in his jaws he wouldn’t let go, only bite down harder. _Annie_ thought it was because he looked like a dog, but she guessed it was just her.

Bert was the armor of the place and played “Knight of the perimeter”. What it meant was that he found out the weak spots in the police system-where they patrolled, when they patrolled, and who was on the job- and attacked those areas when they were defenseless; breaking down an outer wall to let in recruiters.

Annie served as the main Recruiter for their faction. She brought in the customers and eventually the money. It was easy with her job at the bar to pick up sleazes.  She was the one you contacted when you wanted more or wanted in on the job.

Of course there was one of the minor members, Mina, or the “Hypnotist”. She was a recruiter like Annie herself and used her pretty face to mesmerize guys into becoming customers. Annie didn’t care for the girl; she thought she was just as fake as her role.

Ymir their newest member gained the reputation as “Serpent”. That was her name due to her constant meddling in people’s business. Well, that’s what Annie thought. Her job was to finds the rats in their system and cut them off. Honestly, the names were so dramatic Annie wondered who was in charge of coming up with them.

Rats were members of the network that dealt out what had already been dealt out. Basically, they took your package and sold it at a lower price so that more people would come to them.

Rule #1 (of the Unspoken but known Rules)- Rats will always be exterminated.

Reiner finally pulled up the webcam and a face appeared on the screen.

Then there was their boss: Hitch. Annie wasn’t sure if that was her real name but the woman had been going by it for as long as she could remember.

There were other members of their faction that held their area of New York; most of them were recruiters or dealers like herself and Reiner. There were 15 members in her faction of the network-the smallest fraction- that held the title as the model for the system. They brought in the most money with the least casualties. They were legendary, and together they held a part of the largest drug cartel in New York.

\--

Hitch’s face vanished as soon as it came; she only wanted to make her weekly check up on her favorite division. Annie could care less about their boss at the moment; her mind was too preoccupied with thinking of ways to suffocate Reiner. The idiot had mentioned a possible new member for the team. He said he was a part of the same University he and Bert went to and since the school was so damn big and Reiner took care of section Sina and Bert section Rose then the kid could take care of section Maria since his classes were there. Bert seconded the idea because he said that section was the only part they had no clienteles in and he had already checked that although the principle’s courters were there the place was generally safe.

Honestly the idea sounded fine and great and Annie couldn’t have cared less until Reiner mentioned who he thought would be perfect for the spot.

“I am not letting you drag Eren into this hellhole!” Annie fumed. Her nails were making indents on the wood of the overly-priced desk.

“Why not? The kid can certainly take care of himself and the money’s good.” Reiner took a swig of his beer from his idle spot on the couch.

“Because he’s an outsider.” Annie said.

Rule #2- Never tell an outsider about the network unless they are a customer or member.

“He won’t be once he joins.” Annie shot a furious look at Bertolt for supporting Reiner.

“Yeah he’s right,” Reiner got up, “Look I get it if you don’t want him to be a dealer like me because of the risks-even if he’d totally be prefect for it- but he could do well as a recruiter too.”

“He’s not going to be a dealer or recruiter because he’s not fucking joining.” Annie pushed herself up from her seat. She hadn’t felt this angered in a long time, but it was nice to feel something even if it was the knot of worry that entwined in her stomach.

“Annie, I know he’s our friend but he could be valuable to the network, and it’s not like he would be living badly.” Bert’s voice was barely audible over the girl’s shouting.

Rule #3- the Network always comes first.

Well, fuck the Network. Annie was not going to let her friend get dragged into the soul sucking criminal life she lived.

“I don’t care about the damn Network. We’re doing fine as it is!”

“Annie. You’re just being unreasonable now.”

“Shut the fuck up Bertolt,” she pointed at Reiner, “no. I am not letting you drag another innocent being into this like you did to us. You’re such an asshole to even suggest it, Reiner. He could get arrested. Our friend could get arrested.”

Reiner’s fury started to match Annie’s and he took a step forward. “We can all get arrested Annie what makes him so damn special?”

He huffed and threw his hands into the air. “I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about it. It was just a suggestion.”

“You don’t get it do you,” the blonde’s nails dug into her palms and she could vaguely feel the sting of flesh being pierced but she didn’t pay attention to it.

“He has a life. He has family who cares about him and he’s doing well in life. You, and me and Bert: we are in this mess because we _had to_ because you brought us here because no one was there to support us or tell us ‘Hey kids don’t be drug dealers’. He doesn’t have to! That’s what makes him so damn special. He’s not just another bum on the street looking for a way to make cash. He’s not like us. So, yeah he doesn’t deserve to get arrested like we do.

But because you’re a selfish prick you already endangered him! You know Hitch will never let him go now, and now he’s down for like the rest of us.”

Annie bored her eyes into Reiner making any retorts die with what she said next. “He’s going to die with six bullet holes in his chest because of you.”

And with that she left the room silent.

Rule #4- Don’t recruit members if they have a life worth keeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Laughs because this chapter was short as hell and there was no Ereri in it :)  
> In case you didn't notice Hitch is the same Hitch as Levi's Hitch.  
> Did you guys enjoy the other POV's? I think I'll do more Annie ones in the future to explain the "Network" and all but that's probably it.
> 
> Next Chapter: Levi's really really really sad past. God Dammit I hate Kenny.


	11. Built for Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: contains rape and child abuse. If you don't want to read that scene just skim through it but don't skip the entire chapter its essential to understanding Levi.
> 
> Translations for French will be in the end notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg ok. So I was gone for a while. I just moved to New York and then immediately went to Taiwan and Japan. It's amazing over there!! The food the arcades the stores the people were great. There were a bunch of ads for animes at the MRT stations. I'm surprised how popular Haikyu is over in Japan ^,^ and i found like 5 kaneki ken look alikes so that was great.
> 
> ANYWAYS a while back someone sent me a picture on tumblr of what they imagined Eren and Levi look like in this fic and now i cant think of them differently like wow thanks anon: http://www.zerochan.net/1627306#full

**Levi**

 

_“Drapetomania: an overwhelming urge to run away.”_

Rivialle skimmed his index finger over the scripture rubbing it against the slight indents in the page. Today was the day he would move into his new home. He had been packing non-stop for the last two days- mostly to please his caretaker Anna. Along the way he had realized he didn’t have much to pack. With the constant shift from home to orphanage to home, Rivialle had lost most of what he had owned when staying at his previous foster homes. Almost everything he had stuffed into his small backpack was small trinkets from the orphanage.

A couple things that he hadn’t allowed any other eyes to browse were gifts from Anna. He had three that he held dear. One was a pressed flower Anna had collected in the garden one morning; he used the withering red beauty as a bookmark. The second one was a wooden carving of a dove that Anna’s brother had left for him before he moved to America in search ‘of better things’.

The third he held.

It was a small pocket book that was barely bigger than his two palms but held thousands of letters hand written, all new and odd.

When Rivialle was told that a man was interested in adopting him and that that man lived in America, Rivialle had instantly rejected the idea and the prospect of having to learn a new language.

He more than rejected it he outright went animalistic. He started throwing things and screaming. He yelled at Anna’s attempts at calming him saying that “He knew she always hated him” and that “She wanted to get rid of him like his parents did”. Anna had stood upright at the last retort and backhanded him; Rivialle could still feel the burning sting in his cheek at the memory.

Anna left after that for a couple of days. When she came back later that week on a late night to check on her kids she found Rivialle sitting in what had to have been hurricane level rain. He was wailing and sobbing, cradling his legs as his body rocked in the wind.

Anna had sat in the car in shock for a moment wondering how he had slipped past the other adults and why no one had noticed his absence, before rushing out the door. As soon as she stepped out of the vehicle she was drenched and she hoped Rivialle hadn’t been out there long.

She scooped up a howling boy in her arms and ran inside. She ran past other attendants who were scrambling from room to room trying to keep everything under control under the storms reign. Anna took Rivialle into the employees’ personal bathroom; with the chaos around them she wouldn’t be punished for taking him in there.

She turned the faucet on to one of the tubs and plopped Rivialle inside.

“ _Mon chéri,_ what were you doing out in the cold?” She wiped his forehead with a hot wet towel. Rivialle sniffled and leaned into her touch, still ghastly cold and shivering.

“I’m sorry, Anna.” Tears streamed down his puffy swollen cheeks. “I-I thought you h-had left me… thought you were like all the rest.”

“I was s-screaming at God. You always say…there for us but… never there for me. I was mad.” Some of his words were cut off by the constant chatter of his teeth.

Anna thumbed at his tears. “Oi, look at me. I don’t ever want you to think I would ever leave you. _Tu as mon coeur,_ and I cannot leave my heart behind.”

She hugged the naked cold boy to her chest. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again.” Rivialle nodded into her bosom.

Later that night as Rivialle huddled into his blankets and all the other boys slept he heard the hushed conversation outside the door.

 _“Why didn’t anyone notify of his absence?”_ It was Anna talking to another woman.

_“I’m sorry, Madame. We didn’t know.”_

_“He could have died.”_

_“We didn’t notice him leave nor did we notice him gone. I am truly sorry Madame.”_

That was the first time Rivialle realized he was rather invisible to the rest of the world.

He was in every sense of the word: insignificant.

\--

“ _Mon chéri.”_   Anna stood at the hem of his bed. Rivialle didn’t answer her morning call. Instead he threw the blanket over his head. He heard Anna sigh.

There was a dip in the bed as Anna sat next to him. She let her hand fall onto Rivialle’s small bony hip.

“I know you do not want to leave nor do you want to learn English, but if you want to please your new father you’ll need to.”

She rubbed slow circles into the small of his back like she always did when he was sick or afraid. Rivialle didn’t answer. He wanted to and he even opened his mouth but no words came out. He wanted to tell her that he didn’t want to please the man and that she should not refer to him as his new father. He didn’t have a father, he had Anna, and that was all he needed.

But he didn’t say any of these things, so Anna grew tired of waiting. She got up and left.

When Rivialle finally sat up he realized she had left a book on his bed. There was a note on the inside of the cover.

 

_Rivialle, I understand your pain and fear, but hopefully this book will help you learn to love a new language and world. Je t'aimerai toujours quoi qu'il arrive._

_Tu seras toujours dans mon coeur, Anna._

\--

Kenny Ackerman was a very tall and slim creature with short, coarse-looking dark hard that aran to his neck and weaved a beard around his jawline. He stood tall with a dark fitted gray suit; he completely discarded Rivialle during the transaction aside from the occasional side glance. But Rivialle was sure it was only to make sure he was still there.

The orphanage was probably glad they had Anna there considering she was one of the only staff members whose English was understandable. She informed the man about Rivialle’s history, health issues, preferences, behavior. All the while petting his head or squeezing his bony shoulder in reassurance.

Eventually, it came the time to say his good-byes. There weren't many people though. Some of the other boys in his room spoke to him occasionally but it was mostly ask for help on school work, and all the rest of the staff either saw him as a problematic child or were too afraid to upset him and fall beneath Anna’s wrath.

The only person Rivialle found himself not being able to let go of was Anna. She was everything to him. She was familiar. She was his family. And he had to leave her behind.

The tight hugs they shared before he got into a car flashed by him in a blur. He remembered her whispering she loved him in French and the slight glimmering in her watery eyes as she looked at him. But he soon started to forget the sound of her voice and what it felt like to be touched by her. He’d forget the creases in her forehead or the ones on the curves of her mouth; or that there was always a piece of hair that would escape her bun and fall into her face.  He would forget all these minor details but he would never forget how much he loved her.

\--

The plane ride to the US was rather long and mind-numbing; Rivialle spent most of it reading the booklet Anna gave him. Kenny had bought first class tickets, so he was the only one who sat next to the boy. Kenny slept through most of the flight. When he wasn’t he would do crosswords or read newspapers and magazines. Whenever he asked the boy if he wanted anything to drink or eat with his too unrealistic smile, Rivialle would reject the offer.

At one point the man had asked Rivialle what was in that book that kept him so fascinated. His French was pretty bad and a heavy American accent sat on top of it, but when Rivialle finally deciphered what he had said he felt reluctant to share.

The book was his and Anna’s secret- a world gifted to him by family that only he was allowed to dive in. But Anna’s words rang in his head, “I know you do not want to leave nor do you want to learn English, but if you want to please your new father you’ll need to.” She was right. From now on the only person he could rely on was Kenny. No matter how much the thought made him cringe, Kenny was his new family. He might as well attempt at connecting with him. After all, he didn’t seem so bad. Yeah he was a bit intimidating at first and tried too hard, but at least he was trying. That was more than most people did for Rivialle.

So he showed him. Kenny just smiled, pride welling in his eyes. Rivialle felt confused. He wasn’t sure why the man felt prideful, but it made something inside of Rivialle want to do it again.

“I’m glad you are learning.” He patted Rivialle’s head. “Such a smart boy.” Rivialle beamed at the praise.

Kenny was asleep again and Rivialle was leaning against the window. All he could see was the gray and white of the clouds they were in and they reflected how he felt. Mucky and unclear.

There were two words he had learned today that were stuck in his head.

Wanderlust and metathesiophobia.

_Wanderlust: a desire to travel, to understand one’s very existence._

_Metathesiophobia: a fear of change._

He honestly could relate better to the second word so he wasn’t sure why he couldn’t stop thinking of wanderlust. Maybe he was scared of change but fate was ready for a new adventure.

\--

During his first month staying with Kenny, Rivialle noticed something peculiar. Kenny had terrible mood swings.

Some days he came back from work happy to see Rivialle and would pick him up in his arms telling him how much he had missed him. On a few of those days he would take Levi out for a car ride to a new city or restaurant. He was all smiles and hair ruffling those days.

Some days he came home quietly. Wouldn’t utter a word to Rivialle for hours on end and seemed to be in his own miserable world. On those days he often forgot to make dinner for the boy or ask him about school. He didn’t sleep much either. He just sat and stared aimlessly out the glass door of the living room.

Those days had become more frequent and had worsened with time. Whenever Rivialle tried to stir him out of it anger would cross Kenny’s face. He would yell at Rivialle to leave him alone or to go to his room. Once Rivialle had made the mistake of complaining that he was hungry and Kenny had slapped him saying that if he wanted food that he needed to get himself.

Rivialle had been hit a couple of times by the caretakers at his orphanage and even by Anna, but they were always because he had done something terrible or had hurt another boy.

He was confused and hurt. He had grown fond of his new father and yearned to please him. The more violent he got the more Rivialle reached out to him, hoping for forgiveness and love.

Kenny rejected his attempts at reconciliation. The weeks became longer and grew more violent. Some nights Kenny would come back home drunken into a stupor. Rivialle hated those nights the most.

At first Rivialle had rejoiced at Kenny’s intoxicated behavior. He was kinder to Rivialle and spent more time hugging him and kissing his head and face. But he became grabbier, making Rivialle uncomfortable with this show of affection.

Kenny said it was because he loved him and that they were family and this is how families acted. Rivialle didn’t believe him. Anna was family and she loved him but she never touched him like that.

Rivialle brushed it off as stupid drunken behavior. Besides he had enough trouble at school.

The kids at his school were cruel and belligerent. They were mean. They made fun of his name calling him Ravioli and silly things like that. The teachers didn’t help either. Making excuses that it was just tomfoolery and child play. Said teachers didn’t like him anyway because of his trouble with learning English. He fell behind too much and made too many mistakes for their liking.

With the backlash he felt from school Rivialle turned to Kenny for comfort. He convinced himself everything he did and said was okay. He convinced himself that he deserved all the angry remarks and all the beatings and all the slimy lingering touches.

He was a bad kid and this is what bad kids merited.

\--

The creaking of his bedroom door stirred Rivialle from his sleep. It was Kenny. Rivialle hadn’t seen him since this morning before school and it was already way past his bedtime. He guessed it was around one or two in the morning.

Rivialle rubbed his burning eyes and when he opened them Kenny was kneeling by his bed.

“Hello, Rivialle,” Kenny brushed the raven black strands of hair that fell into Rivialle’s face.

“Hello, Papa.” Rivialle frowned. “Why are you so late? You missed dinner.”

Kenny shooed him and thumbed his cheek. “I know. Papa wanted to be here with you but he had to be at work so he can earn money. For you. To send you to school and buy you all those toys and treats.”

Rivialle blushed. He felt stupid and silly to have even asked the question. Of course he was doing this for him. That’s what family did.

Kenny’s eyes scanned Rivialle’s small frame. A small grin stretched across his face. “Silly boy. Your pajamas are on backwards.”

Rivialle looked down at his pajamas. They were on correctly or so he thought. But maybe he was wrong after all he was still new to the American culture. Maybe he had it wrong all along.

“Oh.” Rivialle muttered suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“Here let your Papa fix it.” Rivialle gulped. He hadn’t noticed it before but Kenny wasn’t as sober as he had originally thought.

Something dangerously close to lust swam in the man’s eyes. He looked hungry as if he were going to eat Rivialle. Which was exactly what he was scared might happen.

Rivialle gave a slight nod as Kenny’s long, greedy fingers unbuttoned his shirt. He ran his hands over Rivialle’s soft porcelain skin. His hands were deathly cold and clammy. They made Rivialle feel sticky and gross but he didn’t dare move away for fear of getting hit.

“So beautiful,” Kenny grabbed at his pants next, “…practically built for sin.” Rivialle barely caught the whispered words. Rivialle couldn’t stop the tears that spilled out of his eyes and rolled down his face furiously. He couldn’t stop crying.

Built for sin.

Kenny’s grabs and movements became fast and painful. He pulled and tugged, pulled and tugged and shoved and raked his nails on Rivialle’s body. Rivialle’s body was filled with searing hot-white pain and he almost blacked out from the excruciating sensation.

Built for sin.

Rivialle was on fire. He felt like he was being split into two and he wondered if this is what Hell felt like. His vision blurred and his body ached immensely. All he could hear was his pulse beating in his head and the pants and slaps of skin on skin.

Rivialle wept, whimpered, and begged him to stop, but Kenny never stopped his advances. His body was twisted and turned into positions that weren’t meant for the human body and his hair was tugged back so hard he thought his scalp would tear off his skull. The smell that reached his nose made Rivialle retch and Kenny’s nails dug painfully into his thighs making him shiver in pain and disgust.

He deserved this; he was built for sin.

He wanted it to end. He wanted it to end. He wanted everything to end. He wanted to be saved. He wanted to die. He wanted someone to help him, but no one heard his pleads. He wanted it all to stop, but death never came.

He was left alone with Kenny and Kenny’s slimy hands and touches that burned and etched themselves into Rivialle’s very being. He was left alone in a pool of blood and tears and snot and semen.

Time stretched on and eventually the only noise that filled the room was the snoring of the demon in Rivialle’s bed. Rivialle’s body was racked with sobs and each vibration coursed agony through his sore body.

He looked at his window and wanted nothing more than to throw himself out of it, but his body was paralyzed with pain and he found no strength in his legs to carry him.

He looked at his window and at the dim light from his neighbor’s house.

He looked at his window and the moon and stars in the sky and the still trees outside.

How could something so peaceful and something so hellish coexist in one space, only separated by one sheet of glass?

Rivialle tore his eyes away from the window. The eyes of a sinful being weren’t meant to see the beauty of a still night.

He looked instead at the wooden dove Anna’s brother, Louie, had given him that sat on his bedside table. He envied the bird. If it wanted to it could stretch out its wings and fly away. Rivialle could not. He was rooted to this house, closer to Hell than any other living being on this Earth.

\--

Rivialle huddled himself into the backseat of the sleek, charcoal black car. He pulled his long nimble legs up to his chest and adjusted the hem of his pants to hide the bruises that decorated his skin.

“Where is your destination, sir?” The driver asked, turning his head to face Rivialle. Rivialle didn’t meet the man’s gaze. He couldn’t dare to look at anyone’s face right now. He was scared he would break down crying if he did. It had happened again last night for the…he had forgotten how many times it had happened.

“I don’t care. Anywhere far from here.”                       

And far he took him. To the other side of New York near Manhattan to be precise. He got out of the car before the driver could open his door.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to escort you? This is a big city and we wouldn’t want you getting lost.” The white haired man asked, worry tinting his tone.

Rivialle welcomed the idea of getting lost. It was exactly why he had gotten out of the car. Maybe he could lose himself in the crowds of people and disappear from his misery. Even if it was only temporary.

He waved the man off and made his way into the busy city. People shoved him as they walked past, but he didn’t care. He just kept moving on, lost in this sliver of space and time between reality and fantasy that resided deep in his imagination. It was quiet here but not silent. Kind of like that silence when you’re talking to someone on the phone but no one is speaking. It was ironic. He was in one of the biggest loudest cities yet all that noise was reduced to the slight hum of a faraway bee.

His leg collided with something cold and metallic: a table. He had run into a table outside a coffee shop. He decided to sit down. His legs-mostly just his thighs- hurt anyways. When he placed his bag down something fell out of it. Something he hadn’t seen in years: a book.

He picked it up and opened the first page. There on the back of the cover was a handwritten note. It was Anna’s. Rivialle’s eyes grew wide. How could he have forgotten the book or Anna? Sure, it had been years that he had stayed with Kenny in America with no communication to his past family, but still.

He smiled warmly down at the book as he flipped through pages each one containing a different memory from when he was younger. He read familiar words that filled his senses to the brim with nostalgia. Near the end of the book something red fell out from between two pages: a pressed flower. Rivialle picked it up between his fingers, careful to not break it and held it to the sun’s light. So much beauty in such a fragile little thing.

“Rivialle? Is that you?” Rivialle’s gazed dropped from the flower to the young man that had called his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo who's the young man??  
> Okay so I get that I didn't mention how old he is at these points in time so when he's at the orphanage he's about 7 to 8 and at the last part he's about 12? idk i wasn't sure how to age him
> 
> Translations: My love- Mon chéri (to a boy)  
> You have my heart- Tu as mon coeur  
> I will always love you no matter what. You'll always be in my heart , Anna.- Je t'aimerai toujours quoi qu'il arrive. Tu seras toujours dans mon coeur, Anna.  
> Ha I don't speak French so I went off of the internet so if I got something wrong, tell me and I'll go back and fix it.  
> Next chapter: More Levi! but I promise chapter 13 will have some Ereri


	12. A Loss in Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original character death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha this chapter hurts my very being anyway here you go have a sad chapter.   
> ok I won't lie inspiration for one of the new characters, Keone, was Hinata. I'm sorry not really.

**Levi**

 

“I will bring him to justice, Rivialle. I promise.”

Justice? — you get justice in the next world, in this one you have the law. Honestly, Rivialle had given up on having any hopes long ago that justice would prevail. It was a nice thought though. That one day a cop would kick down the door to his house and carry him away to safety- lock that bastard up; maybe put him on death row for all he cared.

Even that fantasy had flaws. If the police did take him away from Kenny where would he go? Perhaps, the state would keep him as a ward or he would go through the foster system again. In that case he was screwed. He knew the system here and in New York was terrible and for a boy who was almost thirteen and flinched every time you reached out to him, adoption was slim. Hell, fosters were slim.

He didn’t want to become another bum on the streets. An orphan who turns to drugs and crime for the warmth parents could never provide them with. It was pathetic, truly. At least in this life he was wealthy, went to a good school, and was insured to go to a good college. Because _that_ way he good get a well-paying job and he could raise a family with a perfect wife and two perfect kids. Because that’s what everyone aspired to be when they grew up. Right?

Bullshit. Rivialle didn’t want any of that. How could he look forward to having a wife when he was pretty sure he was gay? And it wasn’t because of Kenny. No, the thought that that monster turned him gay was revolting. Rivialle was gay because Rivialle was gay. It was obvious to him when he was little and he saw a boy push a girl on the playground and the teacher told her that it was how boys showed a girl they liked her. Suddenly, Rivialle wanted to be pushed by a boy.

Huh. Now that he thought back on it, that type of thinking was messed up. He guessed he was messed up since the beginning. Rivialle chuckled at the thought.

Backtracking his thought process he wondered: Why would he even look forward to college or any of that if he wanted to die today?

Each day was like being pulled back under another wave of exhaustion and darkness after having a brief meeting with air. But with that type of logic Rivialle shouldn’t really care whether he was a criminal or married with a wife and kids. Either way he’d be deeply unhappy, but criminals at least taste a type of freedom that only that life can give.

So, he decided to let the man keep his promise. How much worse could it get?

\--

“Rivialle? Is that you?” Rivialle’s gazed dropped from the flower to the young man that had called his name.

It was Louie, Anna’s brother. Rivialle’s stomach dropped to a new level it had never reached before. His heart raced.

_No, no, no, no. What is he doing here?_

Louie walked towards him, but Rivialle made no move to greet the smiling boy. The years hadn’t touched Louie. He was all white pearly teeth and light brown hair with eyes that matched.

Rivialle got up still completely fazed by shock and dusted his legs, careful not to hit his bruises. He could tell Louie wanted to hug him, but instead he extended his hand. Rivialle accepted it. Immediately they both sat down at Rivialle’s table.

“I knew you had moved here, Anna told me, but I would’ve never thought I would see you.” Louie grinned. Rivialle wanted to match his happiness, but he found he couldn’t muster up even a smile.

He nodded. “You’re what twelve? Thirteen?” Louie asked.

“Twelve.”

“Thirteen in two months though.” Rivialle nodded amazed that Louie remembered his birthday. Well, it wasn’t hard. It was also Christmas day, yet Kenny always managed to forget.

“Oh you’re so big now,” _I am not._ “but still skinny as a stick.” _That I am,_ Rivialle thought.

“So, how has America treated you?” He had forgotten how much Louie talked. He had found it endearing before. Now it was annoying and inconvenient.

“Terribly.” He saw no point in lying.

Louie laughed; he thought it was a joke.

“How old are _you_ now?” Rivialle thought it was best he at least tried to converse with the man.

“Just turned twenty-one. I can finally drink and god have I been looking forward to that,” his gaze shifted to Rivialle, “not that there’s anything to look forward to.” Rivialle smiled. Louie really hadn’t changed at all; he was still a klutz with his words.

Louie pursed his lips in thought. “I’m going to get us something to drink.” Rivialle looked at him in confusion.

“You’re at a coffee shop, Rivialle.” He said matter of factly.

Louie came back with a coffee and a hot chocolate for Rivialle. He stared at the cup. He used to love hot chocolate. It amazed him how many things Louie remembered of Rivialle? Maybe it was coincidence or maybe Rivialle had been around people who didn’t care to remember such things, but it felt good. Really, really good.

“It’s good I bumped into you.” Louie thumbed the rim of his cup, his gazed had dropped. _Uh oh._ “There’s something you should know, kid.”

“It’s Anna,” Rivialle’s eyes widened in fear of what Louie would say next. _Please, don’t be dead. Please._

“She’s sick. Well, she’s been sick for a long time.”

“How sick?” Rivialle asked.

“Adenocarcinomas. It’s a cancer.” Louie stopped fiddling with his cup and looked up at Rivialle. He looked like he had cried for his sister for many nights. He looked like he had come to terms with it. But most of all he looked tired. Not for himself, but tired that this was his reality. Rivialle recognized that look. He saw it every time he looked in the mirror.

“Okay,” Rivialle spoke calmly, “can’t she get treatment?”

“She has. For her whole life, actually.” Rivialle gave him a puzzled look.

“She was born with this deficiency in her lungs and developed cancer when she was three.”

Rivialle had never been more confused in his life. That couldn’t be possible. She was fine; she was okay the last time he saw her. She didn’t _look_ like she had cancer. Certainly, people with cancer look like they have cancer, but she didn’t.

“She never told me.” Rivialle whispered not meaning for Louie to hear or to really say it at all. It was just a thought that had crossed his mind.

“Why would she?” Louie asked. Rivialle glared at him madly. _Well, I don’t know maybe because I saw here every day since I can remember and she was basically my mom and usually kids are entitled to knowing if their mom is dying. Something along those lines,_ Rivialle thought sourly.

“Don’t get me wrong. She loved you. God, did that woman love you. I used to think she cared about you and all the other kids more than me,” Louie laughed solemnly, “but that’s why she didn’t tell you, because she loved you too much.”

“Okay, well can’t they do more for her?” He asked suddenly getting angrier for a reason unbeknownst.

Louie shook his head slightly.

“What about chemo? Has she tried that? Radiation?” His voice was getting higher and people were starting to look at him.

“She refuses to do chemo. Says she’s too tired.” Louie mumbled, resembling more a kid than an adult.

“How can she be tired of living!” Rivialle shouted, his arms extended. Then it hit him how hypocritical he sounded. How could he ask her to have the desire to live when he himself didn’t have it?

Louie sighed. They sat there in silence both grieving for someone they loved.

“Come with me.”

“Huh?”

“Come with me to France- to see her.” Louie had a determination that swam in his eyes like he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

“Okay.”

\--

Rivialle trembled with a mix of anticipation and anxiety. This was the first time Louie would meet Kenny, and he wasn’t sure how either would react. Louie obviously didn’t know about Kenny’s more than father-like qualities and Kenny hadn’t really met anyone who associated with Rivialle; when he had them Rivialle never brought over friends. Kenny never asked about his introverted son. Rivialle assumed he didn’t care.

Under any other circumstances Kenny wouldn’t let him go on a trip without him. Not that he would even let Rivialle go; it was just more likely now. And it wasn’t because he’d feel remorse for his son’s previous caretaker it was more like he didn’t want to be seen as an “unreasonable” father figure. Rivialle scoffed. Still, Rivialle hadn’t thought as far as what he was going to say to Kenny to convince to let him go or what he would do if he said no.

Either way he was going. He didn’t care for Kenny’s approval it’s not like he deserved a say in anything Rivialle did any longer, not to him at least. He lost those privileges the night he stripped Rivialle from his innocence.

He was still nervous.

Louie didn’t look phased at all. His eyes still had a gloomy cast upon them, but that was probably due to their prior conversation. Besides that the boy looked chipper as ever. Rivialle felt a tightening in his chest. He wondered when he had stopped pretending to be happy for the sake of others. It seemed so pointless, but there Louie was- smiling for Rivialle. Louie didn’t want to bring his friend down so he hid his pain. He would act happy for others at his own expense.

Rivialle had been so caught up in his own anguish he hadn’t noticed anyone else’s. He supposed it was selfish in a way, but it was easier that way- to believe that no one else had cried themselves to sleep or dreamed of death. He didn’t want to believe that; he’d rather carry the burden alone. It was almost like the realization that other people dealt with similar issues caused him more concern than his own issues.

He reached over and squeezed the hand that Louie didn’t have on the steering wheel. It was bigger than his own and warmer. Louie looked over and smiled. This time his eyes smiled as well.

Rivialle smiled back and for the first time in a long time he wasn’t afraid of what came next, as long as he had the man next to him, he’d do just fine.

Rivialle held his hand the rest of the car ride. Rivialle frowned once he saw the car he came to Manhattan in parked on the side of his house. He had completely forgotten to tell his driver he had a ride home. Louie and Rivialle let go of their clasped now sweaty hands and got out of the car.

“Wait here a moment, Louie. I’ve got to take care of something first.” Rivialle didn’t check to see if Louie heard him or not before he was walking to the other car.

“Wade.” Rivialle called to his driver. Wade turned around and immediately brightened at seeing Rivialle. Rivialle looked at him. Wade had grown a white beard that contrasted with his dark skin… since when did he have a beard? Rivialle felt embarrassed for a moment that he hadn’t even noticed that someone he saw every day had grown some damn facial hair.

“Rivialle there you are. I was worried sick,” Wade looked over at Louie, “well; at least you got home safe.”

Rivialle nodded and shuffled his feet. “I’m sorry.” He looked up at Wade and smiled softly.

“Look I know I’m a brat most of the time, and we don’t talk like we used to but I am…sorry. Not just because of today, but every other time too.” Wade looked surprised. He was probably shocked that Rivialle had even spoken more than a couple of words.

Wade knelt to Rivialle’s height and patted his head. “I don’t know who that kid is over there, but tell him thank you. I haven’t seen my boy smile in such a long time.” Rivialle felt a wave of emotions crash him. He did something he hadn’t a long, long time. He stepped forward and hugged the man. It took Wade a couple of seconds before he wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.

Rivialle felt immeasurably guilty. All this time he had cast off Wade’s attempts of friendship.

Rivialle had liked Wade the second he met him and after that he’d refuse to have anyone else drive him. Whenever they were in town somewhere fancy while Kenny was at work and people gave Wade funny looks Rivialle would feel a sudden sense of protectiveness. He’d ask him why and Wade would say it was because of something as foolish as the color of his skin. That day Rivialle had promised him he wouldn’t let anyone else look at him like that without hearing from Rivialle. Wade had laughed. Rivialle was eight then and he had completely forgotten that promise.

All this time he felt so alone, yet Wade was always there waiting for Rivialle to ask for help. But he never did.

He separated from Wade and walked back to where Louie was waiting. Now was the scary part: talking to Kenny.

\--

Rivialle whined in exasperation. They had been talking to Kenny for the past half-hour about their plan and even after Louie explained the situation he wasn’t budging. Let’s say Louie wasn’t very happy with Rivialle’s foster dad and was currently giving him one of the scariest looks a human could muster. Kenny didn’t seem to notice.

“Please. I’ll only take three days max, and I have a perfect attendance record so I’ll only be gone one day,” Rivialle grinded his teeth, “I need to go, Papa.” He practically spat out the last word but it got Kenny’s attention. He hadn’t called or referred to Kenny as his father in any way for years. He gave a look at Rivialle that made his skin crawl. He could’ve sworn the bastard looked smug.

Kenny thought it over for a moment before putting his papers down and looking at Louie.

“You’ll be there with him the entire time, correct?” Kenny waved at Louie like he would the servants. Louie nodded enthusiastically, leaning forward slightly. A smile pulled at Rivialle’s lips; watching Louie reminded him of a puppy.

Kenny sighed and looked at Rivialle making him squirm under his burning stare before he agreed.

\--

They arrived in Gordes, Provence the next day a couple of hours before the sun stretched across the sky. The hilly town was dead asleep but Rivialle was vibrating eagerly with…joy? He had been in France for only a few hours and he was already practically buzzing; he had forgotten what it was like to walk on the rocky pathways that wound up and up almost reaching the sky. Louie watched him with amusement out of the corner of his eye. He too had missed the town, but he knew that the feeling was fleeting and soon he’d have to see his sister.

Once they found the right house and Louie finished searching for his misplaced keys they entered it and were overwhelmed with the smell. It was flowery and warm. Rivialle scrunched his nose up at his thought; how could something smell warm?

“Hello?” There was a small whisper in the dark before a dim light was flipped on.

In front of them stood a small, mousy boy with disheveled strawberry orange hair that Rivialle had never seen before. His sun-kissed face was riddled with freckles, and he was even shorter than Rivialle, but only by an inch or two. His eyes widened and he started shouting in French and it took Rivialle a moment to understand his rambling from lack of practicing the language.

A girl stumbled into the room and quieted down the boy with a smack to the back of his head. She was taller than the boy next to her but their faces were identical even so that Rivialle bet that if you counted the freckles on both of them it would come out as the same number. Unlike, what Rivialle assumed was her brother; she had long silky dark hair.  

“God, you idiot its Louie, Anna’s brother. You just haven’t met him yet.” The girl grumbled. Her brother was red as a tomato and shuffled behind his taller sibling.

“Rivialle this is Keone,” Louie waved at the redheaded boy who smiled sheepishly at hearing his name, “and this is Shantel. Shantel is Anna’s nurse and her brother helps her out on the weekends.”

Rivialle nodded at the two.

“Where’s Anna?” The two teenagers looked a bit surprised that he had spoken in French but were quick to answer.

“She’s in there.” Keone pointed to a room down a hall. “Sleeping.” Shantel added.

“Right… Perhaps we’ll wait until she’s awake.” Louie said slowly. Rivialle deadpanned; he had forgotten how early it was.

“Wait until who’s awake.” Rivialle heard the raspy voice before he saw her. Anna was standing- more like leaning on the doorway to the hall. She wore a scarf that held back her light brown hair and a night dress.

“Anna! What are you doing out of bed?” Shantel chastised, running over to Anna’s frail frame. Anna swat at Shantel.

“I’m okay, Shantel. I’m not going to shatter from getting out of bed.” Anna made her way over to them. Rivialle’s breath hitched. What was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to greet her or wait until she noticed him? Did she even know who he was anymore?

Anna waddled over to Louie who hugged her gently. “Sister you really shouldn’t be out of bed.” Anna huffed and sat on one of the nearby couches. “Satisfied?” she asked.

Her eyes fell on Rivialle and she patted the seat next to her. “Come here, boy.” Rivialle shuffled over cursing at how reluctant his legs were to move. Rivialle was attacked by the sweet scent of vanilla when he sat next to his former caretaker.

Anna reached forward and touched his cheek, brushing it with her thumb. Her hands were still the same, colder and a bit bonier, but still the same. He leaned into her touch and when he opened his eyes he noticed she was crying. “Oh, Mon chéri, how I’ve missed you.” Rivialle swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I missed you too.”

Anna pulled him into a hug and Rivialle finally relaxed. He was safe. He was okay, again. Rivialle eventually pulled away although he wanted nothing more than to stay in her arms forever, but he sensed that the people around were starting to fidget.

“Do you still work at the orphanage? I mean not now, but until…” Rivialle let his words drop. He heard a grunt from the other side of the room.

“She stopped working at that dump years ago.” Keone grumbled. Rivialle arched an eyebrow at the boy in curiosity.

“Keone and Shantel are from your same orphanage. Actually, Keone was there around the same time you were, but he was younger.” Anna responded.

“Oh.” Rivialle whispered.

“Yeah, I remember you.” Keone pointed a small, slender finger at him. The boy grinned, his big eyes engulfing half of his face. “You were really quite and you refused to talk to me or the other boys most of the time. Well, you were quite until you didn’t get your way.” Rivialle’s cheeks burned. Shantel elbowed her brother in the rib.

“I-I mean—” Keone murmured as he rubbed his side, “I just wish I got to know you.” He smiled at Rivialle and Rivialle found himself smiling back. He liked Keone. He liked Shantel who seemed to always have her brother on a leash. He liked these people and he missed France and Anna and Louie. He wanted to stay here forever. He wanted to be happy like Keone and Louie. He wanted to be _normal._

“Yeah, me too.”

\--

The next day Anna collapsed while in the kitchen. She was trying to get a glass of lemon water.

They had rushed her to the hospital after she was unresponsive. She still hadn’t woken up yet.

When they came in the doctors were almost shocked to see her. They explained that she hadn’t come in

to check on her health in years. Louie was shocked- mostly about his sister lying to him. They all huddled in the room claiming they were all family. The nurse looked at them oddly but let them stay anyway.

“You should’ve just gotten the water like I asked you to.” Shantel spat. Keone hugged his knees closer, his face plastered with guilt.

“It’s not his fault.” Rivialle muttered from his seat on the cold floor. Keone glanced at him and gave him a small smile that said ‘thanks’. After a couple of moments he scooted closer to Rivialle until their shoulders touched.

“You live in America, right?” He whispered. Rivialle nodded.

“What’s it like?” His eyes shown with a curiosity not many kids in his position owned.

“It’s big. It can get really cold or hot. There are a lot of people; they tend to be rude sometimes. Mostly, on the streets,” he glanced at Keone before continuing, “but the people are free.” Keone’s eyes widened.

“Some people escape in the night and plaster colors of all shades over dark walls making them beautiful again. They do at night so they don’t get caught by the police and arrested-

“I thought you said they were free?” Keone interrupted.

“They people aren’t free but their souls are.” They sat there in silence pondering over what Rivialle said.

“How old are you?” Rivialle asked.

“Nine.” Keone mumbled ashamed of his age.

“You’re tall for nine.”

“No I’m not you’re just short.” Rivialle turned to glare at him but stopped when he saw Keone’s happy face.

It was silent in the room after that. Louie and Shantel had fallen asleep to the rhythmic beeping of a machine and he was sure Keone had too until he spoke up.

“Tell me more about America.”

“Okay… There are people who sing and dance all night until the sun rises and when it does there are always nice men and women who serve you coffee. There are places were boys sneak out to be with boys and girls sneak out be with girls. Somewhere where their love isn’t illegal.  There are singers that play guitar and sing on the corners of streets for money, filling the air with music. There’s people who glide on waves and people who glide on the street with small boards. Oh, and there’s….”

Eventually, both boys fell victims to the rhythmic beeping of a machine as well. The smaller one’s head perched on the other’s shoulder and the older one with words still on his lips.

\--

“Excuse me. You all are kin of Ms. Belrose, correct?” They all nodded at the doctor. “I am sorry to inform you that the cancer has spread to the liver and the liver is failing at detoxifying toxins from her body. The toxins are accumulating inside of her causing her to fall into a coma…” the doctor paused before continuing, “she is most likely not going to wake up.”

Louie nodded. “Thank you doctor.” His words came out broken and uneven.

The doctor nodded sadly and left them alone in the room. No body muttered a word.

Rivialle was finding it hard to breathe. He clenched his teeth and let the tears he had been holding back fall down his face. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair. Anna didn’t deserve this. She was good she was supposed to be happy with her own family. Why couldn’t God see that? Why couldn’t He see that He made a mistake?

He heard a choked sob to his right. Shantel was hugging her brother for comfort but looking at them it looked like they both were seeking comfort. He looked at Louie who was kneeling by Anna’s bed, holding her cold motionless hand in his. There were angry tears rolling down his face and they fell onto the ground. Rivialle walked over to him and placed his hand on his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry Louie.”

“I’m sorry too.”

\--

There were a lot of people who came to see Anna, more than Rivialle realized lived in their town. Every single one had their own separate time with her to say goodbye but they all came in and out the same way. Reassuring and lively they went in and sobbing and destroyed they came out.

Rivialle was the last to go, refusing to budge until the last moment when Louie told him that she was most likely not going to live through the night.

He entered the room awkwardly, not knowing how these things were supposed to go. He stood there still for a few minutes before he gathered the courage to sit next to Anna.

She was pale and sitting still Rivialle could now see all the wrinkles and creases that had been etched into her face. Her lips pulled downwards into a frown and Rivialle scowled at this. She was always smiling in life so shouldn’t she be the same on her way out?

He took her hand but released it after realizing how he didn’t want to hold it when it wasn’t warm and didn’t resemble her. He smoothed down his trousers. His mind was jumble of thoughts and emotions and he wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“Everyone wants you to stay,” he starts out, his words trembling as he dos, “they all come in here to tell you they love you and they want you to stay. They want a miracle- for you to keep fighting. For God to give you a second chance, and believe me you deserve one.” Rivialle clears his throat hoping it’ll make his words clearer even though the tears were making it hard to speak.

“I want you to stay more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life,” Rivialle’s voice cracks with emotion.

“'But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. If you wake up, you’ll be in pain. Again. And it will be hard… and you’ve lived through pain long enough, so I just wanted to tell you that it’s okay if you don’t want to. It’s okay if you have to leave us. It’s okay to let go, Anna.”

\--

Anna passed away that night.

Louie wailed and sobbed clutching her hand in her last moments.

Keone and Shantel wept uncontrollably, clutching to each other.

Rivialle stood quietly by the door. A terrible pain bloomed in his heart but with it came no remorse and no bitterness towards a nonexistent god.

\--

Rivialle wasn’t sure how he had managed but he convinced Kenny to let him stay for the funeral which was three days after her death, extending the trip four days longer than planned.

The days until the funeral were unbearably long and dreary. Rivialle stayed with Louie in their house; Keone and Shantel ended staying with them as well, not being able to stay away. Rivialle grew close to Keone, even though they didn’t talk much he still felt an unspoken bond between them. He wasn’t sure if it was that he saw himself in the younger boy or what it was that made him want to look after him. Rivialle hadn’t looked after someone in a long, long time. Hell, he hadn’t looked after himself in a long time either.

When the day of the funeral came Rivialle dragged himself out of bed wondering if it was worth it.

At the burial the four adolescents were hand in hand feeding of each other’s strength and fighting the pain together.

On the last day Louie decided to take Rivialle out the orphanage. It was the same as when he had left it. It still sat high on a large hill surrounded by knee high grass and tall trees. The white paint was chipping off of the outside and the gold lettering of its name had dulled. Asides from that the place hadn’t changed. Same uniform, same schedule, different kids.

They walked around to the back and sat on the grass, looking out at the rest of the town. Rivialle couldn’t say he had missed the orphanage but something similar to nostalgia was making its presence.

“Rivialle.” It was the first word Louie had spoken in the last hour. He hadn’t said much in between Anna’s death and now anyway.

He looked up at Louie expectantly. “Do you want to go back?” Louie hadn’t looked at him when he asked the question. He kept his eyes trained on the horizon instead.

“New York?” Rivialle asked which he received a nod to.

“No.”

There was pregnant moment. “Why not?”

“I don’t like it there.” Rivialle said blandly. It wasn’t a lie.

Louie shook his head as if he didn’t quite like the answer. “More like you don’t like someone.”

Rivialle didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure what Louie was hinting at but he didn’t like the direction the conversation was swerving.

“What did he do to you?” Louie glanced at him and Rivialle averted his eyes to his legs. “He had to have done something. You wouldn’t hate him if you did.”

Rivialle muttered under his breath.

“Huh?”

“Nothing.” Rivialle responded.

“What did you say, ‘Vialle?”

Rivialle pursed his lips. The sky was turning orange and he wondered how long they had been gone from the house and from Keone and Shantel. He licked his lips; they tasted like salt.

“I despise him. Don’t hate him. I despise him- wish he dropped dead.” Louie thought about what he had said.

“Why?” Well, that was a loaded question. Rivialle thought about his options. He could lie and tell Louie it’s just a teenager phase where he hates his parents or that he’s upset he’s not his real dad and all that bullshit or he could tell him the truth. But after everything Louie had gone through, after everything he was put through he didn’t deserve being lied to.

“He has these… mood swings,” Rivialle struggled to find words to explain his nightmares, “and he drinks, a lot. The alcohol makes it worse, I think-the mood swings. At first he just stopped talking and paying attention and then—then he started yelling.”

Rivialle fiddled with his hands and a cold sweat was forming on the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure why he was so damn nervous. This was Louie. His Louie.

He took a deep breath. “He hits me, a lot. I don’t really mind it. I just wish he would give a notice ahead of time because one moment he’s happy and asking me about school and the next he’s beating me for spilling milk,” Rivialle scoffs, “when I was six… one night h-he came home drunk… really drunk, and…”

Rivialle started shaking and his vision blurred. He felt a warm hand on his hip and then Louie’s arm snaked around his waist and brought him into a side hug.

“He came to my bed and he said-said that my pajamas were on backward and its stupid because I knew they weren’t but I still I still let him-“ Rivialle’s quivering hands turn into angry fist.

He speaks through clenched teeth. “That bastard has raped me more than I can count and he still has the audacity,” Rivialle’s voice drops lower until it’s barely a whisper, “to call me his son.”

Louie’s grip on him had tightened but he welcomed it. He just wanted to be cared about.

Louie was crying. “I will bring him to justice, Rivialle. I promise.”

Rivialle didn’t know it now, but he had just given Louie a reason to live for. Something to keep fighting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to point out when Levi goes from thinking of god as Him and God and then goes to calling him a nonexistent god its because he lost faith in god and that's where he remains standing. and the chapter title doesn't specifically mean a loss in religious faith but just faith in everything from loss in faith in one's self, to justice, to others, and to god.  
> pshhhhhhhhhhh ok next chapter will FINALLY have some fun Ereri action


	13. Consumed in Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: its about to get fun *winks provocatively*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revising is not my friend we're more like those classmates that don't like each other but always get stuck together in group projects so I honestly have no clue wtf I just wrote. Enjoy.

Eren ran his hand through his sweaty hair and tried to peer through the bodies. It felt like this party would never end. Somewhere along the line of having the oddly intimate yet not so intimate conversation with Levi he was dragged back into Reiner’s extravagant party.

People kept bumping into him and the lights made him feel like he’d have a damn seizure before Levi got back. Where did Levi go? Eren did a 360 before he vaguely remembered Levi telling him he was going to go get something and come right back. _What was he getting? Drinks? People? Some aspirin for Eren’s massive headache due to the fucking lights? The Bible so the couple that were practically dry-humping each other in the corner could find God?_

Eren felt the weight of someone’s hand on his shoulder and he was about to turn around to tell the person to fuck off because he honestly wasn’t in the mood for it until he realized exactly who it was.

Levi’s gunmetal grey eyes widened a bit as he frowned. “Well, if that’s how you feel, Eren…”

“Huh?” It was then that Eren realized that he might have not just _thought_ of telling someone to fuck off.  

“Oh-oh god no, I didn’t mean to say that- Well, I did just not to you and I didn’t know it was…you…” Eren rambled his apologies out until he noticed that the hand on his shoulder had never left and then he looked at the face Levi was making. “I should shut up, shouldn’t I?” Eren frowned.

“Not necessarily,” Levi corrected. “Maybe just try to organize your thought process.”

Eren chuckled, smiling endearingly. He patted the back of his neck a bit embarrassed at his outburst. “Sorry… I tend to—”

“Stop apologizing,” Levi interrupted; his face contorting into a scowl. Eren open his mouth to apologize but closed it when he realized it would defeat the purpose. Levi shoved something against Eren’s chest; a beer.

Two beers and thirty minutes filled of awkward chit-chat later, Eren found himself tangled in the middle of a bunch of intoxicated, sweaty bodies and most importantly with Levi. Eren wasn’t sure how their hot, dancing bodies had come together but he wasn’t about to stop. Nor was he going to stop Levi from threading his hand into Eren’s hair.

He looked at Levi wondering what he was thinking but his face gave nothing away. He wanted to know what happened to Levi and the girl in the bathroom. He wanted to know what Levi thought about him. He wanted to know what it was like to kiss him again like that one night forever ago. He wanted so much but he wasn’t sure how to ask, so he didn’t.

Eren leaned down and captured Levi’s lips with his own; Levi complied immediately. Levi tasted hopelessly erotic; intoxicating Eren more than the alcohol he had already consumed and in a way that had him both hyper aware and hazed out of his sense all at once. Levi pulled at Eren’s bottom lip causing him to pull back in shock. They were so close that Eren could see the cobalt flecks in Levi's eyes. Eyelashes that were so dark and framed those eyes were now full of excitement and lust maybe a little bit drowsy from the alcohol in his system. Levi pitched forward to compress the space between them into nothingness, making heat branch out through Eren’s chest. His lips felt a little bit softer than he remembered, but then again it had been months since Levi allowed him to kiss or touch him at all.

Suddenly, Eren had a terrible feeling that something was wrong. Why _was_ Levi doing this? Was he that drunk as to kiss Eren? Is that all—was it all just a matter of letting off steam and Eren just so happened to also be there? Was this a game—did Levi care about him or even like him? Everything was feeling too overwhelming. He pulled away and moved through the crowd trying desperately to fight his way out of the music’s claws. Eventually, he was outside again.

Eren bent at the waist and tried to regulate his breathing. _What was happening to him?_ How could he be upset from kissing Levi of all people for god sakes? Why did he always have to mess things up? He finally got what he had been yearning for ever since that night and he had to go and screw it up.

Eren’s heart elevated and his breathing quickened. He wanted to go home. No, he didn’t. He hated home. The thought of what awaited him at home made his chest clench painfully. He felt someone’s hands on his face and he was sure they were trying to talk to him but he couldn’t focus on anything besides trying to stop the whirlwind of thoughts that were crashing down on him. Everything was just so hard to sort out and god-GOD was it hard to breathe.

He opened his eyes. Levi was what he first saw. His grey orbs had a worried tone to them and weren’t harsh as usual; his eyebrows were furrowed and he was pouting as he caressed Eren’s cheek.

“It’s okay. Oi, Eren look at me. Focus on me,” Eren did; it was difficult but he managed, “okay I want you to take a deep breathe; in through your nose and out your mouth. You can do it.” Eren did as he was told. _Breathe in breath out._ It took several minutes of doing the breathing exercise before Eren’s breathing regulated and when it did he slumped against Levi’s chest.

“There you go, Bright Eyes. I told you, you could do it.” Levi cooed. He ran his fingers through Eren’s hair soothingly, until Eren finally calmed down and pulled away.

“Let’s get out of here.” Levi offered.

_Yeah, that sounded like a good idea._

_\--_

Levi’s apartment was immaculate and looked a bit out of the price range of a college professor. It was unbelievably white and had little to no furniture; Eren wondered if maybe he had just moved in or something that explained the lack of…everything. There was couch and a TV in the living room that was connected to the kitchen, but Eren didn’t have enough time to inspect the room before he was being hauled into the next one. Eren’s feet barely touch the ground until his back rested against a much softer surface. Levi crawled onto Eren and captured Eren’s lips, silencing any complaints the boy could have.

Eren pressed his lips harder against Levi’s, felt the warm, trembling flesh pressed to his own. He felt like he was dying, suffocating and he needed to take the air out of Levi’s lungs so he could survive. Eren’s eyes closed. He dug his fingers into the soft comforter and crawled blindly backwards, lips still attached, and led Levi further up the mattress. He vaguely heard the muffled thump of shoes hitting the floor. Not sure what he was doing Eren dug the toe of one shoe into the heel of the other and pushed it off; he did the same with the other.

At the moment he wasn’t thinking about _anything_ really. Certainly, not about the fact that he was doing more than just making with his college professor which was already enough to get them both into deep shit. All he knew was the feeling of Levi’s body pressed against his- every curve fitting into Eren’s like a jigsaw puzzle- and the live-giving feeling he received from kissing Levi.

Eren wanted more he wanted more than being restricted to Levi’s mouth; his traced his lips down Levi’s face tracing it with sweet chaste kisses. His hands tighten around the white fabric of the bed sheets. And he leaned up slowly, tentatively approaching the smooth, moon-pale skin of Levi’s neck. As if by some unspoken agreement Levi leaned his head back and exposed his throat. Eren braced himself and fell forward, his lips pressing a fevered kiss onto Levi’s skin. Levi let out a soft airy sigh.

Eren kissed every inch of exposed skin he was offered. Something inside of him wanted to draw out more sounds from Levi’s quivering lips, push him further and further until his feet dangled off the edge; he grazed his teeth against the vulnerable skin and occasionally lapped at it. When Levi grinded his hips against Eren’s, the teenager tried to suppress a moan but ended up biting Levi’s neck instead. A deep throaty growl escaped Levi’s mouth making a shiver ran down Eren’s spine.

Levi started pawing at Eren’s chest trying to remove his shirt.

“Take it off,” Levi demanded in a very cold voice. Eren froze for a moment before carrying out Levi’s command.

Eren’s hands trembled as he pulled the shirt over his head, knowing that Levi was towering over him intimidatingly waiting for him to finish.  Once his shirt was discarded Levi threw his leg over Eren side and straddled his hip, pressing his hardened member against Eren’s own. Eren gazed up lustily at Levi; _what when the fuck did he take his shirt off? I take my gaze off of him for three seconds and this motherfu—_

Levi bent down and licked along the stretch from his navel to his chest where he placed his mouth over one of Eren’s nipples. A moan erupted from Eren’s throat and he bit his lip in attempt to muffle his embarrassing sounds. Levi nuzzled his face into the curve of Eren’s neck and starting sucking on the caramelized skin. Eren pushed at Levi’s jeans in haste to get them off.

Levi chuckled, his warm breath dancing over Eren’s abused skin. “Always impatient aren’t you?” Levi arched back to look down at his lover. Something flashed in Levi’s eyes.

“My beautiful,” Levi paused as he ran his hand down the bruises that adorned Eren’s muscular stomach. Eren winced but not from the pain but from fear that Levi no longer found him beautiful; maybe he was disgusted by Eren. _Why wouldn’t he be?_

“Oh, Bright Eyes,” Levi bent down and placed small chaste kisses along the purple and blue that painted Eren’s body.

Eren whimpered. “L-Levi… please.” Levi didn’t have to be told twice. He immediately started to undress them both leaving a naked writhing boy beneath.

Eren’s leaking erection was practically painful and begging for attention. He squirmed awkwardly desperately searching for friction, but Levi evaded his attempts.  

“Levi-i…” His voice was broken and whiny, but Eren didn’t care. He’d do and say anything to have Levi touch him.

Levi scooted down the bed with painfully slow movements. He locked eyes with Eren and Eren immediately felt the need to look away, but he felt paralyzed, forced to watch the night unfold. Eren watched as Levi bent his head down, his face dangerously close to Eren’s groin. Levi’s long bangs swayed   in front of his eyes, but Eren could still feel his burning gaze. Levi licked tentatively at the leaking head before him, watching as Eren tightened his fingers around the comforter.

Levi was a tease, and Eren hated it. The raven licked along the underside of his cock barely even touching it at all. Eren growled in annoyance wishing he would just get on with it.

Levi leaned back and smirked at Eren’s reaction and then dove in taking Eren in completely. Eren gasped as a warm slick mouth enveloped his aching member. Levi bobbed his head up and down slowly at first not sure how to tread on new territory, but he quickly quickened his pace when Eren threw his head back in ecstasy. Sinful moans escaped Eren and he felt a familiar warmth course through his body.

He pushed at Levi’s shoulder, signaling him to stop; he didn’t want to cum like this. Levi swirled his tongue once more around the slit before releasing him with a loud _pop._

Eren pulled Levi into a kiss, tasting himself on the older man’s tongue. Levi fumbled as he reached for his nightstand pulling something out of it. Levi continued kissing Eren making his head swim dizzyingly. Levi tugged at Eren’s bottom lip and pulled back. Eren watched him lazily as he opened a small bottle and poured its contents over his fingers. He threw the bottle to the side and bent over Eren placing his hand next to the boys head as his other one reached down in between Eren’s legs.

Eren felt a probing finger against his entrance and suddenly he was consumed with fear. This was his first time. What if he messed up or displeased Levi? What if it hurt too much and he backed out?

Levi bent down and kissed Eren’s forehead reassuringly. “Calm down, Bright Eyes. You're getting that look again like you're constipated from thinking too hard.” Eren giggled, his anxiety quickly dissipating. Levi gazed at Eren once more before he shoved his slick finger in. Eren wiggled around; it didn’t hurt nor was it uncomfortable per say. It was just odd. Levi started to move getting Eren used to the sensation before he added a second one.

Eren hissed at the dull pain coming from his legs. Levi quickly moved forward to kiss him distracting Eren from the thrusting fingers down below. Levi scissored his fingers stretching Eren even further before he curled one of them slightly.  Eren gasped out of the kiss from the immense pleasure that flooded his body. Eren pushed his hips down this time searching for the spot that Levi found.

Eren mewled as his prostate was abused over and over again and a disappointed whine escaped him when Levi’s fingers slid out. Levi chuckled at his lover’s impatience and ripped open a condom making a show of how he slowly rolled it onto his straining erection. He bends down and places his hands next to Eren’s head and places a slow sweet kiss to his lips before he pushed in.

Tears brim Eren’s eyes; the pain is overwhelming and he brings his hand up to his mouth and bites down hard from instinct. Averting his brain from the pain between his legs to the one in his hand instead. Levi stops his ministrations and his eyes widen at Eren.

“Don’t do that Eren,” he takes Eren’s hands and laces their fingers together. Levi leans down and speaks into the crook of Eren’s neck, “I don’t want to see you in pain.” The tears in Eren’s eyes fall down but not from pain but from the overall emotion that was swamping his senses. He felt something deep tug in his chest, a yearning that he had never felt before.

“Y-You can move,” Eren whispers. Levi begins to draw his hips back as he thrusts gently, waiting until Eren was used to it. Eren started to grow increasingly exasperated. He wanted more; he wanted to feel the pleasure from before. He starts to push his hips down meeting Levi’s thrusts.

Eren tightens his fingers around Levi’s own and shuts his eyes, incomprehensible phrases spilling out of his mouth as he does. Eren wraps his thighs around Levi’s waist pulling him deeper inside of him. The fiery pain he felt before was quickly replaced with a different pleasurable burning sensation; one he never wanted to fizzle out.

“Fuck, Eren,” Levi’s thrusts become more erratic and harder and suddenly Eren’s back arches off the bed his mouth opening in a silent scream. His trembling voice chokes out ‘ _again, again, again’._ Eren breaks his hands away from Levi and scrapes at his back bringing him closer. He wanted him closer _needed_ him closer— as if he wanted to morph the two of them into one.

Eren’s nails dig into Levi’s back no doubt leaving bloody trails. The fire is back and gasoline has been added, allowing it to burn bigger, brighter, faster. The burns are painting Eren red, leaving Eren to only see in colors.

Eren writhes beneath Levi, begging the fire to be released. Eren feels so wanton with the manner that he’s screaming Levi’s name like he was praying. Every single thrust drives Eren into sensory overload and he isn’t sure how much longer he’ll be able to last.

Levi’s long thick eyelashes begin to flurry against his pale skin, and suddenly Eren’s name is the only word leaving his lips.

And then everything is consumed by fire.

Eren’s back bows into the air, an animalistic moan running out of his mouth. His hands clamp down harder around Levi attempting to find some sort of anchor to this euphoric frenzy. The moment of bliss pulls Eren into  another unworldly state, leaving him enraptured caught up in an abrupt pang of ecstasy.

The colors begin to fade, becoming less vibrant than they were a few moments before. Levi collapses on top of him, his chest heaving with uneven pants. He flops off of him and Eren vaguely notes that he was being cleaned before he is left alone in the vast sea of white sheets.

The bed dips under somebody's weight and heat settles into his back as he is tugged against Levi’s chest. He sighs contently, threading his fingers with Levi’s—lost in the dream where he was once color blind and consumed in the white rapture of flames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo I finally wrote some Ereri for my Ereri fic which is really lacking Ereri. ahhh and momentarily everything seemed okay. momentarily right? because since when has Eren Jaeger had an easy going life.


	14. Mistakes and Misunderstandings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Eren are idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone should honestly beta this because I don't even bother with revising any longer.  
> Oh god I'm stuck in a terrible snowstorm, THANK YOU CITY OF NEW YORK.

 

**Levi**

The pale moonlight seeped through Levi’s closed eyelids coaxing him awake. His long, thick eyelashes fluttered open and he glared in annoyance at the bright streak that filtered through the transparent curtains. He glanced at the clock—5:03. It was still too early for the sun to rise, but that didn’t stop his mind from waking up, even when his late night activities didn’t end until maybe three or four hours ago.

Then the realization that unlike every other night the mattress now dipped under extra weight and his blanket was stretched tight to the other side of the bed. Warmth bled from the the body to his side; he turned and gazed at the sleeping boy next to him.

Eren’s caramel skin looked dark in contrast with the mostly white room and bed. His bare chest puffed slightly with smooth, even breaths that danced over Levi’s face. Levi’s thumb ghosted over the teenagers soft lips. The same ones that were all over his body not too long ago.

It almost seemed… right—to have Eren in his bed; like he belonged there—all this time Levi would spend his insomniac ridden nights staring up at the boring, simple ceiling and now he had something much better to spend his time looking at. The room seemed warmer and livelier, and it was almost okay that he wouldn’t get any more sleep tonight, because that way he got to gaze at the sleeping beauty next to him. 

Almost. Not even love could rid him of his sleeping disorder. Levi’s thoughts stopped and his hand froze from where it was carding through Eren’s long dark hair. Had he just thought—was he even in lo— _No._ He wasn’t. He couldn’t be.

Levi shook the thoughts out of his head; it wasn’t important and he wasn’t going to waste his time-this precious time he had with Eren-worrying about something impossible—something that he was no longer capable of; maybe had never been capable of.

His gaze dropped to where the comforter wrapped around Eren’s taught waist, his hipbone jutted out from underneath. He trailed his fingers down Eren’s shoulder, rib, side, and hip. The brunette burned beneath his touch and at first he thought that he might be running a fever, but then he remembered that Eren’s blood naturally ran hot. The moon radiated enough light that Levi was able to see the bruises that adorned Eren’s stomach.

His frown deepened. _Who would do something so atrocious to something so beautiful—so pure?_

He remembered a time when he too had bruises to hide. Levi’s mind jumped to a terrible conclusion. _Was Eren—did he have to undergo what I did?_ No. Eren couldn’t have been…raped at least not recently, considering he was comfortable with having sex last night. Well, he hoped he hadn’t been. But someone was abusing him. It was obvious, to Levi at least. Really, he was surprised no one else had caught on by now. Maybe no one cared enough.

Levi’s heart constricted. “My poor, Bright Eyes,” he brushed his bangs away, “I’m so sorry.”

He was a bit ashamed that he hadn’t done anything aboutit  yet, but he didn’t want to breach Eren’s personal life. It wasn't his right before, but now…now he’d do something, for sure.

Eren stirred in his sleep and Levi stilled his hand. Eren pulled the blanket closer to him until it covered half of his face; Levi huffed in amusement. It was like he felt Levi’s scrutinizing stare and knew what he was thinking. He didn’t look bothered though; peaceful, was the word that fit. Levi realized he had never seen Jaeger so at ease, and he was glad that, even if minuscule, he had contributed to it.

Sleep pulled at his lids and he almost laughed at the thought that he hadn’t felt that tired in a while and it was due to sex.

He pulled Eren close to his chest, careful to not disturb the peaceful state he was in, and let sleep have his way with him.

\--

The second time he woke he realized he had only slept two hours longer—technically, it was more like forty-five minutes because most of the time he wasn’t sleeping just stuck between that irritating in between.

The sun had joined him this time; Eren did not. He was still soundly asleep just like Levi had left him. Levi rolled his eyes; _teenagers._ Eren seemed to be unconsciously aware of Levi’s wakening and he wrapped his arms around Levi, restraining him. _Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into?_ He thought sarcastically.

Levi internally laughed to himself, as he placed a small chaste kiss to Eren’s heated forehead. And then he started to actually think about it. What had he gotten himself into? He frowned.

Was this really the right choice? He knew the university would not approve of their…relationship. If you could call it that. He hadn’t talked to Eren about it and wasn’t sure if the boy would want to be in a relationship with Levi. For all he knew this was completely one-sided on his part. Hell, he hadn’t even spoken much with Eren ever since meeting him. And here he was thinking about what his bosses would think of them when he had no clue if there was anything to even think of.

 _Shit._ Was Eren even legal yet? He was in college, but he could easily still be seventeen—or younger...but Levi doubted Eren was a child prodigy who went to college at sixteen. Still, it could be considered statutory rape. If Eren _was_ eighteen, what did it say about them if they were together even though there was a thirteen year difference? What did say about _Levi?_

Even if Eren did want to be with Levi, was it still really right? Eren was still young and _yeah_ maybe if he was twenty-five instead of eighteen (or younger; Levi still didn't know) it would be okay. But he wasn’t—he had just gotten out of high school; he was still a kid.

Levi felt disgusted with himself. How could he do this? To a kid?

He felt the blood drain from his face. _I’m no better than Kenny._ Levi’s heart rate elevated and he felt slightly smothered, like he had a cover over his nose restricting him from breathing correctly.

He pushed Eren away, forcefully, and left not even checking to see if Eren had woken. He rushed out of the apartment and down the stairs.

He ran and ran and eventually reached the subway station; he hated the subways. It smelled like piss 24/7 and there was always revolting people around, but he supposed he belonged amongst them.

Kenny had been right—he was built for sin. That’s all he was good for and better yet he had just contaminated the last pure thing life had offered him.

_God, why do I always have to ruin other people lives?_

He shrunk deeper into the plastic subway seat.

_“Next stop: 9 th Avenue.” _

He hadn’t realized how deep he had traveled in Manhattan until now. He got off at the stop and took out his phone. He dialed the first person on his list.

_“Hello?”_

“Hanji, I need to talk to you, it’s about Eren.”

“ _What happened?”_

“I did something…regrettable.”

_“Oh, ok. I’m having coffee with Armin, but you could come join us if you’re close,” Hanji added quickly, “ If you want to talk.”_

“Which one?”

_“The usual, Vinny’s.”_

“I’ll be there in ten.”

\--

Levi wasn’t sure why Hanji was having coffee with Armin, but he didn’t care. He probably should, considering the blonde was about to hear that Levi had just fucked his best-friend.

He sat across from the two, sipping tentatively at his coffee.

“So…” Arlert started, spinning his empty cup in his hands.

Levi sighed. “Okay. I guess you were going to find out soon enough from Eren, so I might as well tell you now.”

Hanji and Armin both leaned in simultaneously; it was creepy, really. _Fucking nerds and there twin-ness._

“Things got a bit out of hand last night, and I might have slept with Eren, who is underage _and_ is my student and I’m probably am going to get fired soon, because I’m a shit person.” Levi didn’t look up as he explained; he didn’t want to see the looks of repulse.

“Might have?” Hanji quirked.    

Levi nodded. It was silent for a couple of moments, and Levi was starting to feel bile rise in his throat and the overwhelming urge to run away again. _What was that word again? Drapetomania._ It was funny how he could remember words from his childhood.

“He’s not underage.” Armin whispered.

Levi looked up. “He’s not?” He tried to mask the hopefulness in his voice. Armin nodded.

“Levi,” Hanji drawled his name out, “did you leave him alone?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Yes.”

Hanji exhaled deeply and ran her hand down her face. “No-o-o, why would you do that?”

“I freaked out. Sorry.” Levi grumbled childishly.

Armin leaned forward again and captured Levi’s attention. “Look Levi, Eren has been…abandoned a lot by his family throughout his life, and recently Hanji has brought something concerning to my attention.” Armin’s eyebrows fretted in concern. “Apparently, Eren has confided in Hanji about his father’s…abusive behaviors and made her promise not to tell anyone. She hasn’t—not until now.”

Levi’s eyes widened. He knew it.

“And I didn’t tell anyone because I thought it had stopped,” Hanji interjected defensively, “he told me after that day he showed up to school with the bruise on his face. You remember that, right?”

How could he forget—that day was more than eventful.

“Yeah, well after that it had stopped for almost a month or so and I just realized that his father is back, and I fear it’s gotten worse.” Hanji fixed her slanted glasses before she continued. “I was going to tell Mikasa, but I wasn’t aware how she would react to hearing that about her dad—if she doesn’t already know. So, I told Arlert, maybe he could convince Eren to go to the authorities.”

Levi glowered as he mewled this over.

“What I’m trying to say is that, you left Eren…alone…and he has abandonment issues…” Armin said slowly as if Levi hadn’t caught on already.

 _Shit._ He really fucked up this time. He placed is head in his hands and groaned.

Somebody poked him in the forearm. “What the fuck are you doing here, still? Go get him.”

Levi looked up in confusion at Hanji. “You guys aren’t mad?” He looked specifically at Armin.

“Well, we’re pissed that you left him, but I do think pursuing a relationship with Eren would greatly benefit him and most likely you as well. I’m sure if there’s anyone who can convince him to turn his father in it’s you.” Armin grinned. “After all, you two seem rather close.”

Levi raised his eyebrow questioningly, but was out of his set as soon as Armin gave his blessing. It was amazing how such wise and complicated vernacular came out of a college student.

He sent a quick text to Eren, asking if he was still in Levi’s apartment, but he didn’t answer.

Levi got his answer when he walked in the flat and saw that Eren was no longer there.

\--

**Eren**

 

Eren never really woke up properly. An hour or so before he fully "woke up" he got stuck between that limbo between deep sleep and consciousness; it was almost like he was always hyper-aware, but that was probably because of all the rude interruptions he’d undergone ever since Mom died. _Thanks Dad._

That’s where he was now. His mind faintly registered the sweet caresses someone was bestowing upon his body and the sound of even breathing in close proximity, but he couldn’t quite place who was doing these things. He just knew he had never felt this serene in a long while—awake or not.

That was until he began to fall. It was almost like he was in that scene in Inception with _uhhh… whatshisname? Leonardo da Vinci? —_ And they would kick the chair out from underneath someone sleeping to trigger them into consciousness. _Yeah, just like that._ Except it wasn’t a kicked chair that woke him up, but the rejection from the arms he had fallen into.

His eyes snapped open in fear. Fear that somehow his dad was here and he had decided to wake Eren up and use him as a punching bag. But it wasn’t his dad, and he wasn’t home.

He was in an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar apartment, naked and covered by unfamiliar detergent-smelling white sheets. What wasn’t unfamiliar was the gun steel grey eyes that stared at him for a moment and then were gone the next. 

Eren’s hands clasped around the sheets that concealed his dignity as realization set in and his mind caught up with his current predicament.

Levi—Levi left. He left him. He didn’t want him. He was disgusted by him. Who wouldn’t be?

Eren wished that it had been his dad who woke him up and inflicted physical pain upon him, because he certainly had no clue how to deal with the pain that overwhelmed his senses.

Tears sprung to his eyes.

Time seemed to pass slower or maybe not at all; Eren thought that maybe he was still stuck in that limbo. He hoped— _God,_ did he hope this was all some sick dream, and he’d wake up in his own bed or better yet Levi’s arms. But he didn’t, and he never would, because he was not something that was that easily loved.

\--

After the shock dimmed and the sadness subsided, Eren gathered up his clothes and left. He thought about making the bed, but decided not to in fear that if he didn’t leave soon Levi would come back and he’d have to face him. _Oh, God. What if Levi was upset with me? Did he hate me?_ Maybe he was angry Eren had seduced his superior into bed.

Jesus, he felt so…scandalous. He was no longer a virgin; the pain in his lower back told him as much. But that was all that truly changed in his reality. He was still just merely a puppet to be toyed with, and Eren wondered when the day would come when he’d give up on feeling enraged by this. He hoped it was soon because he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to put up with disappointment.

Eren tapped his fingers against his thigh, a nervous habit, as he waited for a taxi. A yellow cab did eventually pull up to the sidewalk and Eren got in.

He didn’t pay attention to the driver or look at the interior of the car at all; the driver’s voice told him it was a man.

“Where to, young man?”

Eren looked out the window, green eyes dim and worn out from crying. His chest had stopped clenching in pain and his breath had evened out. He felt numb in every sense of the word.

“Anywhere but here.”

\--

Anywhere ended up somewhere in lower Manhattan: 9th avenue to be exact. He got out and paid the taxi driver, and started to walk around aimlessly. He looked at the tourists with wide smiles across their face and cameras out and poised to snap a photo. He watched couples hold hands and giggle. He saw but he didn’t understand.

His pocket buzzed.

**Levi:**

_Are you still at the apartment?_

The hand around his phone trembled, but he couldn’t register why.

Oh. Levi had texted him. Levi.

Levi wanted to know if Eren was still in his apartment. He probably would be glad to find out Eren wasn’t.

Eren put the phone back in his pocket and kept walking, forgetting momentarily about Levi and everything else that saddened him.

He wondered if he was still in that limbo; it felt like it. He could vaguely understand and register the things around him but he couldn’t do anything about them. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t feel, couldn’t stop walking to which ever destination his feet wanted to take him.

“Eren!”

He stopped. Was someone calling him? No. Couldn’t be; probably some other Aaron. He kept walking.

“Eren Jaeger!”

He stopped again, but this time he turned. Oh. Maybe someone did want to speak with him.

Armin. His friend was standing outside a coffee shop, Vincent’s—a place they visited often, waving at him. Hanji stood behind him and he wondered why they looked so sad-so concerned. He frowned and made his way over to them.

“What are you doing here?!” Eren hadn’t heard Armin sound this frantic in a while.

He shrugged. He wasn’t sure why he was here. _Why am I here? Where am I?_

And everything came back to him—too much and too fast and he felt like was going to double over and vomit.

“Why aren’t you with Levi? He was looking for you.” Hanji cocked her head to the side.

Levi. _Oh, God, Levi._ His head throbbed and he wanted nothing more than to reach into his chest and pull his throbbing heart out. Maybe then it would stop hurting.

“He shouldn’t be.” Was all he said.

“Eren are you okay?” Armin touched his arm and he shrugged away afraid from the contact.

“Eren I’m not going to hurt you. I know what your dad has done, and I want to assure you I would never, ever, not in a million years ever do anything like that,” Armin moved closer to him, “I’m so sorry Eren, I’m so sorry.” Eren backed away.

 _No. How does he know? He can’t know. He can’t know. Nobody could know—_ except someone did. Eren’s wide eyes glared at Hanji in betrayal.

_No. No, this isn’t happening. This can’t be happening! Not again not again. I can’t lose everyone again._

Eren backed away.

_No. Stop looking at me like that!_

He turned around and ran.

_No, no, no, no, no._

His phone buzzed signaling him about Levi’s unread message.

_No. Go away! He hates me. He hates me, I love him._

He fell.

_I hate him._

He got up.

_No. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters._

He brushed the tears away, and strengthened his walls so that no one could penetrate them again. Because that’s what Eren Jaeger did: he survived.

\--

“You can’t be here.”

“I have nowhere else to go, Annie.”

“Well, find a place.”

“But”— the door slammed in his face. He growled and pounded on the door.

“Fuck you, Annie!”

Anger pulsated through his veins, replacing any other emotion he had ever felt.

He left to the only other place he could: home.

\--

**Annie**

 

Annie slumped against the wall, and clenched her fists tight, marking her pale palms with angry red crescent marks. The door vibrated under Eren’s fists; she shook with it.

She bowed her head. “I’m so sorry, Eren. I just want to keep you safe.”

There was shuffling of people entering the room. Most likely from the ruckus Eren had created.

“You can’t keep him away for too much longer, Annie.” Reiner’s gruff voice filled the room.

Bertolt chimed in reassuringly. “He belongs with us.”

Annie didn’t respond, because she knew it was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeey guys, ya I know. I feel bad too. Sorry if it felt kind of jumpy with the short Pov switches and all.


	15. Overwhelmed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there will be severe physical abuse, verbal abuse, and blood. There will also be hints of a non-intentional suicide attempt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha don't hate me too much for this one. Oh god it literally took me the whole day to write this so you better be grateful XD
> 
> PS I was listening to In the End by Us the duo a lot during this chapter

November 17th [9:33pm]

 

Dark shadows ascended from below—what was below? He wasn’t sure. They swirled around him, observing, with curious dark wells as eyes. They came closer and whispered in his ears-behind him, over him, under him, around him. They were everywhere; their voices were everywhere, unescapable.

Some crawled in through his ears, others through his eye sockets.

He wanted to run, but there was no one and no place to run to, no voice to call for help with, no light to see with. It seemed that the only part of his body that could function was his heart—racing and pounding. A hot core of fear and pain; an anchor to his existence.

He started to fall. Or more like the shadows started to fall, something underneath them gave way. They grasped at him, taking him down with them. He tried to push, to kick out, to swim away, but he couldn’t—couldn’t move. The shadows screamed out, but the sound never quite reached the air. It was almost like they had no vocal cords, everything came out like raspy nothings.

The falling never stopped, neither did the feeling of hitting the bottom. But sometimes, there were moments, where he was still—a fraction of a second at most—where it stopped, when he felt hope. It didn’t last long enough. He kept descending and he wondered if when he reached the bottom, would he survive?

Maybe he shouldn’t. Maybe death would put an end to the pain that had been bleeding into his veins. If it did he would welcome it.

He felt the agonizing liquid rise to his elbow and he wanted to scratch at his skin, tear it off and find the source of pain, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know where his arms where, he didn’t know, he couldn’t see, couldn’t feel anything but the burn.

And then the voices stopped and he had stopped falling.

Pain erupted from his core, where his heart was. He arched his back and tried to yell but no sound came out. He could hear his heart beat pound louder, faster in his head and another surge of sharp anguish rippled through him.

It felt like something, a monster, was clawing at his chest, mauling him open until he was nothing but shreds of meat.

It hurt so bad, and so much. He wanted to cry even though he knew no tears would fall.

One last wave ripped through his body before he collapsed into himself, heaving and sobbing. The pain subsided.

The shadows were back, but this time they pushed him, closer and closer to the top. He touched the surface and watched it ripple under his finger.

He broke through the water and gasped for air. He was quickly dragged back below, but whenever he was above the surface he found unknown voices, flickering touches and colors that he trapped and took down with him. He held them in his closed palms, against his chest that was, thumping, thumping thumping.

The voices came back, louder and more persistent. He was able to understand them this time.

They kept repeating a name, but he didn’t recognize it.

\--

August 2005

 

_“Eren.”_

_Eren opened his eyes, squinting when the bright light assaulted them._

_“Eren.”_

_“Hm?”_

_“Wake up.”_

_Mikasa shook his shoulders, bringing him out of his groggy state. “Get back home now. It’s gonna get dark.”_

_“Uh?” Eren mumbled intelligently. “Mikasa, your hair it’s gotten longer hasn’t it?”_

_Mikasa got up and started to walk away from him, ignoring his question. “You were sleeping tight enough to spout that kind of nonsense upon waking up?”_

_Eren got up and rubbed his eyes. “Well… I had a long dream, ya see, but I can’t remember what it was about.”_

_“Eren?” He looked up at Mikasa’s worried expression. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”_

_“Huh?” Eren reached up to his face and sure enough there were tears streaming down his cheeks._

_\--_

November 17th [11:14am]

 

Eren shoved his hands in his pockets and nudged the door to the apartment complex that Annie lived in open. He stood out on the curb and contemplated what to do next. He took his phone out.

**Eren:**

_Are you home?_

**Mikasa:**

_No, I’m with Sasha. Why?_

**Eren _:_**

_Is dad home?_

**Mikasa:**

_He should be at work right now. Why?_

_Is everything alright?_

_Should I come home?_

Eren shut his phone off; he didn’t want people texting and calling him. Not that he’d pick up anyway.      

 

\--

 

His home was lit but he saw no car in the driveway. No one was home, unless they parked in the garage.

He exhaled, hoping it would calm him down. He wasn’t sure how to handle everything that happened today. Everything was too much to swallow and when he tried to mull over the sequence of events, he wanted to throw up.

Somehow along the way he ended upstairs in his room, on his bed.

He let the blankets swallow him whole, as he stared up at the ceiling.

There was a whirlwind of thoughts that were running through his head.

_Why doesn’t he want me?_

_Why do I want him?_

_Why would Hanji tell Armin?_

_Why did Annie refuse to talk to me?_

_Who was Armin going to tell? Would he tell Mikasa? Who would Mikasa tell?_

_What would Dad do if he found out I told people? Would he deny it?_

_Would he kill me?_

Eren grunted in frustration and turned on his side. He looked at the TV and decided to turn it on. Nothing caught his interest so he lowered the volume so that there was noise but he wasn’t able to distinguish the words.

His gaze lifted to his nightstand. It was cluttered with junk and cords but among the mess there was a white bottle of pain killers. He reached for them.

\--

November 17th [7:55pm]

 

When Eren woke up he was clutching the open pill bottle. His head was pounding and there was an odd taste in his mouth, and he started to wonder how many he had taken and why he had taken any at all.

He looked at the clock on his nightstand. _Seven? Almost eight? How long was I out for?_

Eren got up to stretch his back when a sharp pain registered in his lower back. He groaned in annoyance of the memories that started to flood his senses. He started to walk to the bathroom to take a cold shower and wake himself up. Or maybe a hot one—either way, he wanted to scrub until his skin was raw and his memories washed down the drain.

There was a loud bang coming from downstairs. It was probably Mikasa; he decided to go check it out and apologize to her for not answering her texts, but mostly to see if Armin and Hanji told her anything.

There was no red scarf hanging from the front door though. Maybe she went to the kitchen first?

All the blood drained from Eren’s face. His eyes collided with his dad’s.

“Hello, Eren.”

Eren didn’t answer. His dad wasn’t drunk…so it was okay. He walked around him and moved to the kitchen to get something to eat; he hadn’t eaten all day.

“You came in late last night.”

A chill ran down Eren’s spine; he hated when his dad spoke to him when he couldn’t see him. It made all his next moves unpredictable.

“I didn’t come home at all.” Eren murmured.

“Where were you?” Eren looked up over the marble counter to look at Grisha. He was packing a bag—he was leaving again.

“Does it matter?” Eren deadpanned. He wasn’t going to cower this time; it wasn’t like anything would happen. Grisha never touched him when he was sober.

“Where are you going?” Eren asked, anger rising to his core.

“To work.”

“Why? Why don’t you ever stay home with you kids? Even when we were little you were always gone!” He started to yell and he could see his father’s jaw clench.

“Why Dad?”

“Because,” Grisha turned around to shove something in the duffel bag, “I need to earn money, for you and Mikasa. So you’re able to go to college, although it seems you’re not very grateful for it.”

Eren balled his hands into fists, his nails digging into the soft, vulnerable skin of his palms.

“What about us? Aren’t we important?! Parents should be there to raise their children!” Eren shook with anger; he hadn’t ever voiced all the pint up emotions he had from over the years.

“That wasn’t a problem before, now was it Eren!” Grisha started to stalk over to Eren until he was leaning over him. Fear stroke in Eren’s heart and he started to wonder if alcohol even changed anything. Alcohol was never the fire to his father's anger; it was just the fuel to the burning embers that already existed.

“You had your mother here to love you two, but that was before you killed her!”

Grisha fist grasped the collar of his green sweater. His throat closed and it was becoming harder and harder to breathe.

“If there’s anyone to blame _Eren_ ,” he spat, “it’s you.”

Eren clenched his eyes in pain as the searing heat reached his face; he was punched. Twice.

Eren fell to his knees, and his father loomed over him. There was something long in his hand, shiny and metallic. It was a belt with a buckle that was several inches square, made of heavy brass.

“What’s your name?” His dad blocked out the light from the ceiling, masking himself in darkness.

Eren scrunched up his face in confusion. “Eren Jaeger.”

Grisha swung his arm out and there was a flash of light before Eren’s head erupted in pain. His legs seemed to liquefy, and he collapsed. The room spun.

He felt a warm trickle running down his temple then his face. He got up on one knee, shaking all the way. “No.” He mumbled. He wasn’t sure what he was saying no to; he could barely think-everything was fuzzy.

Grisha leaned over him, making a cooing sound, a sort of “ _Awww_.” Eren looked up at him.

Grisha handed him a shirt and signaled Eren to press it to his temple.

“Why do you make me do this to you, boy?” Grisha asked in remorseful tone. Eren pulled himself upright, and his dad waited for him to ready himself.

“Now, what’s your name?”

“Eren Jaeger.” Grisha made a sound of acknowledgement.

The relief was just entering his mind when the buckle, whirling around from his dad’s swinging arms, struck his head again. Eren felt pain cracking his skull open, his body going liquid again. He smacked into the floor.

\--

November 17th [8:20pm]

 

The second time Eren came to, he was on the carpet floor of his living room. He sat up and  immediately regretted it, when a surge of pain coursed to his temples. There was a slight ringing in his left ear and there was blood caked to that side of his face as well.

His father was sitting in his chair, like always, reading a book. He looked up from it when he realized Eren was awake.

Grisha got up and walked to him, he extended his hand. “Poor boy, you had a terrible fall there.”

 _That’s not how I remember it._ Eren took the hand anyway and was lifted up.

His dad turned around and he wasn’t sure what to do with himself; he was too afraid to move. “You know I was about to leave to the airport, but it’s already too late. I guess I’ll just have to leave tomorrow.”

His dad turned around and there was a crazed look in his eyes. “Now, you’ve been a bad boy today: yelling at me like that, quite disrespectful. It’s only right a father discipline his child.”

Eren walked backwards as his father came closer. His back pressed up against a wall and one thought came to mind: _will he kill me?_

Grisha grabbed something, a vase, and weighed it in his hand. Before he knew what was happening the heavy vase was flying towards him. Eren only had a fraction of a second to shield himself with his right arm.

There was a loud shattering sound as it broke against Eren’s hard bones, sending shards directly into his body.

His shoulder and arm burned as sharp glass imbedded itself into his muscle. Blood started to pour down his body in slow steady streams, as Eren screamed in agony. He fell to the ground.

There was a painful weight applied to his chest making all the air in Eren’s lungs vanish. A sickening crunch reached his ears and searing hot pain exploded in his chest. Then there was more pressure, more weight as somebody climbed on top of his body. Hands wrapped around his throat, constricting his airway.

Eren choked and gasped but no air came in. His chest started to burn and burst with pain, desperate for oxygen. His vision blurred, and one question was on his mind: _will I die?_

\--

November 17th [8:41pm]

**Levi**

 

Levi slammed his phone against the counter in frustration; he was an abusive phone owner.

“Calm down, Levi.”

He turned around to glare at Hanji and spew curse words, but he shut his mouth. She was just trying to help; she wanted to find him as much as he did.

“Why won’t he answer?” Levi said instead.

“He probably turned it off.” Armin answered, a somber tone overtaking his voice.

Silence filled the room, and Levi hated it. He knew this was his entire fault and he was sure everyone else agreed. Anxiety climbed up his throat. He hoped- _prayed_ that Eren was alright. Eren was probably just mad and refused to answer them, and god he hoped that was the situation, but Levi couldn’t help but feel like it wasn’t true. Something was off.

A phone rang; Levi looked at his expectantly. It was Armin’s.

“Hello?” The blonde answered his phone and Levi let out a sigh.

“What? Since when?” Arlert’s features grew worried or was it fear that he was showing?

He hung up the phone his eyes wide. “Mikasa called. She says she heard from Eren this afternoon, she said he was asking if she was home.”

“He went home.” Hanji finished for him.

\--

Mikasa arrived at the same time they did. Levi immediately ran out of the car and to her.

“Give me the keys!” He shouted at Eren’s sister, frantic to get into the house and make sure the boy was okay.

“What? No. Why are you here?” Levi glared at the girl intimidatingly and she glared back.

“If I’m right then Eren is in trouble and if I’m wrong he’s alright. Either way we’ll only find out if you give me the damn keys.” Mikasa’s face softened then hardened at hearing her brother might be in danger. She handed the keys to Levi.

He ran to the front door, heart pounding, sweat beading on his forehead.

He registered vaguely the conversation the other three were having behind him.

_Please be okay Eren. Please._

After scrambling to open the door, he ran inside, searching the unfamiliar house until he ran into a destroyed room.

He looked down at the carpeted white ground. There were blood stains. Levi’s heart slammed into his throat.

_No, this can’t be happening again._

He walked forwards, glass crunching under his feet, the sound of the other three coming in the house.

He looked behind the couch, and his legs grew weak.

Eren was there on the ground, his temple covered in blood, his shoulder and arms bleeding profusely, dark bruises rimming his throat and face.

Levi fell forward and grabbed Eren.

“Levi?” Mikasa’s voice carried from the other end of the room.

Levi heaved Eren into his arms, cradling his head. He stared down at the battered boy with shocked wide eyes. He hadn’t realized he was crying until he tasted salt on his lips.

“Oh my god! Eren!”

“Armin, call 911.”

“No, no, no, no.”

“Who did this?!”

He pressed two shaky fingers to Eren’s throat; there was a weak but existent pulse.

Levi let out a long breathy sigh. He pressed a kiss to Eren’s cold forehead.

“Stay with me, Bright Eyes.”

\--

November 17th [9:40pm]

**Eren**

 

Eren fought through the darkness. The voices simmered down to one. It kept repeating something. A name? He swam up trying to break through the surface, trying to grasp what they were saying.

Wind hit his face as he broke through the water. He gasped for air. There was a ringing in his ear but he heard it clearly this time: “Bright Eyes”.

He fell back in, but this time he wasn’t greeted by cold and hurt. There was a warmth instead that filled the dark abyss. It seeped into his body, and he let it drag him down this time.

Eren smiled. He could stop fighting now.

\--

November 23rd [7:49am]

 

A dull pain swam through Eren as he blinked his eyes open to an unfamiliar room. _Where am I?_

Eren tried to pull himself upright, but there was a gentle hand pushing him down accompanied with a slight pain in his ribs.

“Don’t hurt yourself, Bright Eyes.”

_Bright Eyes._

Eren looked up at Levi, his heart swimming with pain and content. Levi looked tired, there were dark bags under his eyes like he hadn't slept in days and his eyes had a sad tinge to them that wasn’t there before.

Eren looked away and instead looked at the beeping machine next to him, then to the white curtains, then to the way too revealing gown he was wearing, then to the IV sticking out of arm.

“Huh?”

“Eren.” Eren’s eyes flicked up immediately to meet Levi’s. “Do you remember what happened?”

Eren scrunched up his nose. _What’s he talking about?_

His gaze flicked down to the hand that encased his own. He weakly pulled it away almost stopping when he saw the hurt expression that crossed Levi’s face.

“I guess I have some explaining to do.” There was a slight upturn to Levi’s lips.

Eren pursed one eyebrow up. “Go on.”

Levi leaned back in his chair and stared into Eren’s eyes. “I want you to know that what we did—us, it’s not a mistake not to me at least. I know it’s messed up and I know it’s wrong, but I really don’t give a shit.” Levi paused.

“I didn’t want to…hurt you. I left because I was scared. Scared of what I did and what was going to happen to us, and what you would think of me. I wasn’t trying to take advantage of you and your age and I know we were both a little drunk. I know I’m an asshole, especially to you, and…”

Eren had never seen Levi struggle with his words. It was amusing.

“I’m not really good at this-“

“Apologizing?”

Levi shut his mouth and slightly dropped his gaze. “Yes, but I meant relationships. I’m shit at relationships or friendships or really socializing in general, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t have left I should’ve been there when you woke up so that—maybe this wouldn’t have happen—”

Eren gulped. Levi was—was Levi crying?

Levi gripped the chair’s armrests. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry, for leaving you, for sleeping with you, for not protecting you…”

There was a silence that overwhelmed them both after that.

“You regret having sex?” Eren asked slightly hurt and blushing.

Levi’s face contorted. “No. I don’t regret it. I just regret having to do that to you.”

Eren was so confused and Levi noticed.

“Okay. Eren how old are you?’

“Eighteen.” _What the hell is this about?_

Levi’s jaw clenched. “I’m thirty. That’s a twelve year difference, Eren, and I’m your professor.”

Levi leaned forward. “You’re eighteen so it’s not considered statuary rape, but you are my student.”

“Is that why you left? You were scared you would get caught?” Eren asked reluctantly, scared what his answer would be.

“No and yes. I was scared that I’d get caught and that I’d lose my job and you would be expelled, but that’s not why I left. I was scared of what you think, of me, of the age difference.”

Eren snorted. “I don’t care. I just didn’t want you to leave.”

Levi stared at him for a moment and then burst out laughing. “You have got to be shitting me.”

“You say shit a lot.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Eren smiled to himself happy to start discovering new things about Levi.

“So, does this mean…”

Levi smiled and Eren thought his heart was going to leap out of his chest. “What do you say, Bright Eyes? Want to put everything on the line and stay with me?”

\--

November 18th [1:44am]

**Levi**

 

“Levi, can I talk to you?” Mikasa had draped her red scarf around her arms and had come out of the room Eren was in. They wouldn’t let any of them in yet until Eren was stabilized. They’d been waiting outside for about four hours. The shock and anger had boiled down and now everyone was just tired and anxious to see Eren. They were all alternating sleeping shifts; nobody wanted to be asleep when Eren was awake.

Hanji and Armin had explained to Mikasa about Grisha. She was shocked and denied it at first, but after an hour or so she started to peace it together and accepted it.

The police haven’t found him yet, but Armin made sure they were searching. Levi had never seen that little firecracker so wound up.

“Yeah, of course.”

Mikasa sat next to him and was silent for a few minutes; Levi assumed she was collecting her thoughts so he didn’t interrupt.

“What’s your relation to Eren?”

“I don’t know,” he turned to look at her, “I honestly don’t know.”

“I will tell you the truth though.” Mikasa looked at him expectantly.

“We did sleep together yesterday night. I do regret it, since we both weren’t sober and I will discuss it with Eren after he wakes up. I didn’t try to take advantage of your brother,” Levi’s gaze flicked towards Mikasa again. There was anger simmering under her stoic face, but no surprise. Armin had probably already told, and she wanted to see if Levi would tell her the truth.

“Other than that, I don’t know. I don’t know if he wants to be in a relationship and I’m not sure either. I don’t want him to get in trouble with the school, and I really don’t want to be fucking fired. So, it’s all up to Eren. If he wants to be in a relationship then so be it.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Mikasa spoke through clenched teeth.

“If he doesn’t, then I will not pursue it. I suppose our relationship will become strictly professional.”

Mikasa huffed. “I don’t approve of you, at all.” Levi winced internally at her words.

“But…if you make Eren happy, then I won’t say anything.” Mikasa leaned back in her chair.

“But if you hurt him I will kill you.” She added quickly.

Levi chuckled. “I believe you.”

\--

November 23rd [7:58am]

**Eren**

 

“What do you say, Bright Eyes? Want to put everything on the line and stay with me?”

Eren’s eyes widened never in a million years did he think Levi would ever want to be his boyfriend. _He does want to be my boyfriend, right?_

“Boyfriends?” Eren blurted, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.

Levi laughed, and Eren decided he really liked Levi’s laugh. “Yes, you brat.”

Eren pouted at the name. Levi reached again for Eren’s hand and this time Eren didn’t shrug away from the touch. He looked down at their conjoined hands. His wrist was in a brace, and that wasn’t all.

There were bandages on his head and gauze around his waist. _What happened?_ Eren pushed the thought away, it didn’t matter now.

“Levi?”

“Yeah?”

Eren looked away in humiliation from what he was about to ask. “Will you…kiss me?”

Levi didn’t answer so Eren looked back, fearful that he had said something wrong.

Levi was smiling; he was smiling and Eren wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to it. “God, you are too cute.”

Eren’s face flushed. _How come he doesn’t get embarrassed when he says things like that?!_

Levi got up and leaned over Eren, pressing a small chaste kiss to his forehead. Eren was about to protest about how that wasn’t the kiss he was really hoping for, when Levi kissed his nose and then his eye lid and then the other one. He pecked Eren’s cheek, which stung from the contact, and then the other one. He paused before he captured Eren’s lips in a sweet, gentle kiss.

His head was swimming, but this time it was for a whole new reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay lots of notes on this one.  
> First of all, in the beginning when Eren's hanging with his dark spirit buddies he's in the unconscious state after his father left and before/during Levi found him. (btw the pain in his chest is like his 2 ribs being broken so it makes it painful for him to breathe and what not)  
> Second of all, idk if ya'll noticed but the scene in italics with Eren and Mikasa (subtitled August 2005) is straight out of the manga word per word from where Eren wakes up outside before the Colossal Titan attacks yaaaa (literally Chapter/Episode 1). In here thats like the day before his mom got into the car accident.  
> Third of all (is that even a thing), haha I did the calculations with Levi's age and I said he went to college in 1999 which would make him 34 except he's not... so yeah he's 30. Because when Isabel dies he's 25 and then 5 years pass so i screwed that up.  
> And lastly, YES Eren has slight amnesia and does not remember his father's abuse but its also his minds defense mechanism from serious trauma so yep thats all.  
> Chapters in the future will explain the Network better, Eren and Levi's involvement with it and how Isabel died.  
> Thank you lovelies!


	16. Sunshine Smiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!  
> THANK YOU GUYS FOR GETTING COLOR BLIND OVER 3000 HITS! I'm so happy rn, thanks for reading :)

Eren’s head was swimming all right, except now it was because he was being eased off the painkillers and agony started to seep back in. He rubbed his head absentmindedly, careful to avoid the bandaged area.

The doctors told him they would keep him under watch for another day and night to make sure he was completely stable and ready to be released. Well, that was two days and he was starting to wonder if his head hurt because of his injuries or because of all the arguing and yelling bouncing off of his room’s walls.

“Well, he can’t go home, that’s for sure.”

“Why not?” Mikasa questioned, tapping her fingers on her crossed arm as she glared bullets into Levi’s skull.

“You know why.” Levi retorted vaguely. Eren scrunched his face up in confusion. He honestly had no clue what the hell they were fighting about, but he knew for sure they were speaking in code or something to avoid letting him hear the truth about his...circumstances. They didn’t want Eren to know why he ended up in the hospital, and Eren knew Armin and Mikasa would never keep something from him unless it would endanger him in some way. He was probably better off not knowing if it was really that bad.

“It’s not safe there Mikasa.” Armin chirped from his seat next to Eren. He looked over at Eren and gave him a reassuring smile, his head bobbing back as he did.

Eren fiddled with the hem of his T-shirt. He was being released today, so Mikasa had left—although reluctantly—to get him some clothes from home so he didn’t have to walk out of there with his ass hanging out for the half the world to see.

“Why don’t we speak out in the hall?” Mikasa spoke through clenched teeth and left the room before anyone could agree or disagree. Levi let out an elongated sigh and looked over Eren, widening his eyes sarcastically at Mikasa’s behavior.

A giggle escaped him and he was glad Levi had left already and wasn’t around to hear whatever the hell just came out of his mouth.

Eren looked around his small space. He was glad he was out of here; the last two days were Hell—well he was technically here for eight days. _Eww, gross._

Eren never liked hospitals. He found them annoyingly clean and morbid. Unlike most people, he did not associate hospitals with lives being saved. No, they reminded him of death, and death made him unbearably uncomfortable.

There was knock at his door, and in came Hanji. Eren smiled at her as she sat herself on the edge of his bed. Eren scooted back and crossed his legs to make more room for her.

“Hey, Freshie.” Hanji leaned forward to _boop_ his nose.

“How you holding up?” Hanji rested her head on her propped hand and stared at Eren expectantly.

Eren shrugged. “Mm, my head hurts and so does like most of my body, but I think I’ll be fine.”

Hanji nodded. “Still don’t remember anything?”

Eren paused for a moment before shaking his head.

Hanji nodded again and Eren couldn’t tell what expression she was wearing—whether it was a glad one or not, when she heard that Eren’s memories hadn't suddenly pop back up into existence.

“Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Eren quirked an eyebrow and waited for Hanji to continue.

“The doctor’s only condition to letting you out today was for you to go see a psychiatrist who specializes in memory losses similar to your case. So, I thought maybe you would be more comfortable talking to someone you had already met—which is why I asked Moblit to take a look at you.” Hanji rocked slowly as she spoke.

“I didn’t know he was a psychiatrist.” The way Eren said it made it sound more like a question than a statement.

“Yeah! That’s why he can rarely help me out at the school.” Hanji pursed her lips in thought. “Unless you would rather see someone else! I’d totally understand and so would Moblit.”

“No! No, its fine it would probably be easier to talk to someone I knew anyway.” Eren grinned sheepishly.

They sat there in silence for a while until a question came to mind.

“Why won’t you guys just tell me what happened?”

Hanji opened her mouth and then quickly shut it as if she didn’t trust herself to speak. “It really would be best if you remembered on your own. Don’t try to push yourself too hard, Eren. You’ll remember when you’re ready to.” She left it at that, and Eren decided it would be best to not further question her.

Hanji hummed and got off the bed. “I’m going to go check on them. Make sure no one’s head has been chewed off.” She bent down and left a kiss on Eren’s bandaged forehead before leaving.

 

* * *

 

**Levi**

 

Hanji was back from speaking with Eren, but Levi was pretty sure she just wanted to escape the discussion they were going to have.

Levi sipped at his coffee; it left a stale taste in his mouth, but what more could he expect from hospital coffee.

He wasn’t sure what to make of all of this. He knew Mikasa was probably a bit angrier than she should be solely because of Eren and Levi’s relationship. And then there was that...whole thing.

He really had no clue how that had happened. He was certain that the second he spoke with Eren he was going to be rejected, but that wasn’t what happened at all. Instead Eren ended up being his boyfriend—albeit, things were still majorly fucked in general and Eren still hadn’t recovered his memories, but between the chaotic fighting with Eren’s sister and the shit-tasting coffee, things were better than it should have been.

“He can come back.”

“What?” Mikasa asked. She had apparently not heard Levi speak up, but that could be because his voice was muffled by a coffee cup.

“He can come back,” Levi repeated, “and if he does I don’t think Eren will live.”

“Why would he come back? He would get caught, and he doesn’t want that. He’s gone for sure, I know he is.” Mikasa replied stubbornly.

“Are you really that willing to risk your brother’s life?” Levi saw the gears turning in Mikasa’s head—most likely from thinking of ways to murder Levi.

“Think about it. What do we all want?—Eren to be safe, and the only way we can guarantee that is if he’s somewhere he won’t be found.” Levi tossed his almost full cup in the trashcan.

“Then he’ll stay with Armin.”

“No. The likely-hood that he will look for Eren at my house after he realizes Eren isn’t at his house is too high. He would be safer with someone—anyone else besides us.” Levi watched Armin’s attention avert to somewhere else as he spoke.

“Why can’t I stay with Levi?” Eren leaned on the door to his hospital room. Levi wasn’t sure how much he had heard, but from the looks of it not much. Everyone looked at Eren and contemplated his suggestion.

“You can’t do that.” Mikasa shook her head.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not appropriate.”

“Look, Mikasa, you want me to be safe right? That’s all that matters to you, I know that and I’m thankful for it, but right now you’re not making sense. If you want me to be safe then let me stay with Levi. He lives from far from home, so whatever happened couldn’t possibly happen again. Or whoever…” Eren’s face contorted in a pained expression and Levi knew he was trying badly to remember.

“He’s right.” Levi answered. Eren’s eyes brightened and completely had forgotten the confusion they held before. Something inside Levi lurched; how was he supposed to live with Eren if every face he made, made Levi want to jump off a bridge from emotions.

Eren hummed happily and looked at Mikasa pleadingly. She sighed. “Let’s go grab your stuff.”

\--

Levi waited patiently at the bottom of the stairs in Eren’s house. The police had cleared out anything they deemed evidence, which was most of the downstairs, so there was nothing to trigger Eren’s remembrance. At one point on the way here Eren had asked where his dad was and why he hadn’t visited him in the hospital.

Everyone held their breath at that one, and then Mikasa quickly replied that he had left on a business trip before Eren was admitted to the hospital. She reassured him Grisha knew, but said nothing about Grisha’s “feelings” on the topic or when he would return.

It felt a little bit like lying, but Levi supposed it was better this way.

“I’m sorry for blowing up on you earlier.” Mikasa said thoughtfully.

Levi nodded. “No need to. I understand this must be hard for you, and I know you have Eren’s best interest in mind, we all do, and that’s what he needs right now. I’ll keep him safe, I promise.” Levi said exactly what he knew she wanted to hear; they weren’t lies, he just knew it would ease the girl. He was glad Eren had someone like Mikasa, who would fight for him without second thought. He just hoped she didn’t blame herself for not knowing about their father. It’s hard to see the monster beneath people’s skin and even harder when the terrorized do not seek refuge.

Maybe amnesia was good for Eren; the poor boy deserved a break from his reality. There were a lot of times Levi prayed his memories would be wiped from his mind—he tried to, just with different methods of self-destruction.

But that didn’t matter now; he cannot run from his past like day cannot run from night. He just hoped Eren would realize that soon.

 _Speaking of the brat, he’s really taking his sweet time._ Mikasa had left to wait in the driveway—probably because she didn’t want to be in the house or for all he knew she was on watch duty, all he knew was that he wanted to minimize the amount of time Eren spent here.

He walked up the stairs and down a hall— _why are there so many halls. Well, I guess it is a house—_ until he found what he assumed was either Eren’s or Mikasa’s room.

Bingo.

Eren was standing with his back towards Levi, looking down at something he held. It took Eren five more seconds to feel someones presence. He looked shocked when he saw Levi like he anticipated somebody else, but a smile found its way on Eren’s lips soon enough.

“What you got there?” Levi leaned against the far wall, 75% because he was exhausted and 25% because he felt awkward standing in Eren’s room as it was. He hadn’t gotten much sleep ever since Eren was submitted to the hospital, although not due to his insomniac habits. He couldn’t wait to get home and lie in his own bed instead of the stiff board-like chairs in Eren’s room. A realization came to Levi; Eren would be sleeping in his bed as well. The thought was appealing.

“It’s my mom.” Eren held the framed photo up for Levi to see. Levi stepped forward to take it.

“You look a lot like her.”

“Really? Thanks.” He could tell Eren held a lot of pride in his mother. Why couldn’t he feel that pride for himself?

“Yeah, you both have those ridiculously pretty green eyes,” said eyes widened at the compliment and cheeks grew pink, “and you both have that same smile.” Levi’s finger traced the upward curve of Eren’s lips or at least where they should be. The boy should really smile more.

He pressed a finger to Eren’s chest. “Now finish packing so I can get your sorry ass out of here, and most importantly in bed.”

Eren quirked an eyebrow and smirked. “Aye, aye sir.”

“To sleep Jaeger, to sleep.” Eren did start packing after Levi’s insistency, and Levi took the time to look around Eren’s room.

There weren’t a lot of posters or typical teenage things. There was a box in the corner with what looked like sport trophies and another with papers, and books. _At least he can read._ There was study desk with textbooks on top and Eren’s bed and nightstand—which was filled to every corner with garbage and _is that a pill bottle?_

Aside from that, Eren’s room was rather bare for someone who had lived there for most of his life.

“What?” Eren had caught Levi staring.

Levi waited a beat. “Nothing, everything just seems impersonal.”

“What can I say, I’m not a materialistic person.”

“Cute,” Levi’s said, his voice laced with sarcasm.

Eren’s reply was a pillow to the face. Levi caught the pillow right before it hit him and glared at Eren considering he wasn’t able to return the favor.

“ _Ouch._ How does a look inflict so much pain?” Eren gripped his chest feigning pain.

“Some people are born more divine than others.” Eren frowned clearly unsatisfied with Levi’s reply.

“I’m done.” Eren held two duffel bags and Levi grabbed both of them.

“I’m not going to break from a couple of bags you know Levi.” Eren huffed in an annoyed childish tone.

“Can’t take that chance.” Levi turned around before catching the confused look that crossed Eren’s face.

 

* * *

 

**Eren**

 

Eren tapped his fingers rhythmically against the wooden post of the stairs. He looked around his house. He wondered how long it would be before he saw it again, and why that thought left a gaping hole in his gut.  He supposed it was understandable, after all it was the house he grew up in, but it was also the four walls that held the darkest depths of his Hell.

_“Eren!”_

_Eren’s loud giggle filled the air as he bounded down the stairs._

Someone tapped his shoulder. Eren turned around to Mikasa’s comforting face.

“Hey.” She whispered.

“Hey,” he whispered.

_“Come back here!” Eren turned around to look at his friend. She was smiling, smiling so wide he thought the sun would shine through the cracks between her teeth._

_“Nuh-uh. You have to catch me first!” Eren stuck his tongue out and jumped of the stairs making a mad dash for the kitchen._

Mikasa adjusted the bag in her hand that was suddenly seen by Eren. She noticed his gaze. “I thought it would be best if I stayed with Armin for the time being.”

Eren was glad; he didn’t want what happened to him to happen to her—whatever that was.

_When he came to the kitchen he saw his quiet neighbor Armin sitting with his grandpa who was talking to Eren’s mother. Armin looked up through his blonde fringe._

_“Eren!” Mikasa’s voice echoed from a far distance._

_“Want to play?” Eren asked in a hushed tone. Armin nodded, as Eren beckoned him to come closer. He took the boys hand and led him to another room and up the second flights of stairs in the house; the one less taken._

Eren stared at Mikasa. He wasn’t sure what to say—what he was supposed to say—what she wanted to hear.

Mikasa stared back and Eren knew she was thinking the same thing, so he pulled her into a hug and let it speak for him.

Mikasa tightened her arms around him, shifting her bag to the side awkwardly. “You call me anytime okay? No matter what.”

“I’ll still see you every day.” Eren mumbled into her shoulder.

“I know,” Mikasa pulled back and reached up to caress his cheek. “If that midget hurts you, you tell me and I will personally send his ass back to the Shire.”

Eren snorted a laugh. “Did you just call Levi a hobbit?”

Mikasa smiled, it wasn’t as wide as before, but he swore he could still see the sunlight seep through her closed teeth.

_“Where are we going?” Armin half-shouted half-whispered into Eren’s ear._

_Eren shushed him and told him to follow. He stopped at a door which Armin assumed was a hall closet but turned out to be stairs to the attic._

_They tip-toed upstairs, closing the door behind them._

_Armin held Eren’s hand tight. The attic stairs were dark but the attic itself was pretty well lit due to the windows._

_“She won’t find us here.”_

_“Oh, really now?”_

_Eren let out a high yelp as he turned around to see Mikasa sitting on the sun-lit section of the floor._

_Armin giggled beside him, and Eren was suddenly aware they were still holding hands. He didn’t let go._

_“Damn.” Eren cursed under his breath as he walked with Armin to sit next to Mikasa._

Mikasa squeezed his hand and stepped back. Eren wondered why he felt so sad.

_They lay next to each staring at the yellow window of the attic, hands clasped together._

_“Hey, Armin?”_

_Armin looked at Eren expectantly. “You should be our best friend.” Eren suggested. Armin let out a small laugh._

_“Okay.”_

_“Think about it. We’ll be like the three musketeers.” Eren moved his hand of front of himself, as if he were touching something in the air._

_“You’re such a dork, Eren.” Eren turned to glare at Mikasa, but soon all that was left in the small attic was sunlight and the laughter of children._

“I love you, Eren. Stay safe, please.” Mikasa squeezed his hand one last time before letting go.

“I love you too, sis.”

Eren turned back around to look around one last time before he left.

He wanted to remember—to remember so badly, but he couldn’t and the more he tried the more his head heart.

He wasn’t sure how long he was standing there staring into blank space recalling memories he could not recall, but something told him it had been a while when there was small pull at his waist.

It was Levi this time. “Time to go, Bright Eyes.”

\--

Eren stared down at the contraption in front of him.

“What the fuck is this?”

Levi stared at him like he had asked why the world spun.

“You know I knew you were a bit dumb but I didn’t know the lengths of your stupidity.” Levi said.

Eren shot him a look. “How am I supposed to ride this thing?”

“You will not be riding,” Levi shoved a helmet at Eren, “I will.”

Levi threw a long slim leg over the sleek motorcycle and waited for Eren to get on. Eren would be lying if he said the sight didn’t turn him on a little bit.

“Come on, I’ll go slow, and if anything hurts I’ll stop immediately and get you a cab.” Levi extended a hand and it took Eren a couple of moments before he took it.

A jolt ran through him as the motorcycle sped off as soon as he wrapped his arms around Levi.

A shaky breath escaped him as wind ripped at his face and the strands of hair that poked out of his helmet.

He laughed and laughed and laughed. Everything whipped past him, his mind never having a second to register his surroundings, and he was left rather color blind by it all.

\--

Eren took a quick shower after he got settled down at Levi’s. He let the hot water soak through his muscles but got out after three minutes because the pain of having the water pound his bruised skin was too much to bear.

He looked in the mirror and peeked under his head bandage. _Oh, that’s gross._

The skin around his injury was raw and yellow and he wondered if that’s why his head hurt all the goddam time. Eren sighed and stepped away from the mirror.

He pulled some sweats on and a T-shirt and exited the bathroom.

“That was quick.” Levi mumbled. He was in the bed stretched out on his back.

“It’s seven Levi.”

“So?”

“So, it’s not time for bed.”

“Who the hell made you time-keeper? Its bed time somewhere in the world, so it’s bed time for me.” Levi patted the bed and mumbled for Eren to come.

Eren obliged and let himself get pulled into Levi’s chest. His face was inches away from Levi’s and he took the time to look at Levi’s eyes. He always thought they were grey—and they were, except they were bluer on the outskirts and if Eren looked close enough there were gold flecks near the pupils.

Levi leaned forward a pressed a kiss to Eren's chapped lips. He pulled back slightly before connecting them again this time more passion packed and left Eren tingling all over.

He pulled away from Eren until they were was the smallest possible space between them.

The grey orbs glistened with water.

“I’m sorry.”

Eren didn’t reply. He wasn’t sure what Levi was apologizing for and he highly doubted it was Levi’s fault anyway—although, he was sure it had to do with the pain that bled into his bones—but he accepted the apology. He didn’t care anymore, not as long as he was wrapped up in those arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god yeah I don't really like this chapter it's mostly a filler, but necessary. Sorry this was kind of delayed but I'll update soon because it's winter break woohoo thank you America for your many unnecessary vacations!


	17. the Road to Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey look at those POV switches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this chapter isn't too mind-numbing

Eren shifted uncomfortably in his chair. It wasn’t that he was uncomfortable around Moblit, no not at all. He had just never ever seen a counselor much less a professional.

Moblit’s office seemed very homey…but he supposed that was a tactic they used to calm patients. The chair he sat in was more of a recliner than anything, and he felt like he was going to sink and vanish in the comfy cushions. Moblit sat across from on a similar chair that looked sturdier and not as overly cushioned, with a leg crossed over the other and a notepad in hand. He looked exactly how Eren imagined a shrink would look like.

He wore clean cut clothes—not too formal not too casual, and in no way offensive to patients. His light brown hair was combed thoroughly unlike how it was when Eren met him.

Eren laughed internally. He was here to be observed not to be the observer.

“Eren, do you know why you’re here?” Moblit spoke for the first time since the session had started, but that was probably because he wanted Eren to settle in first.

Eren nodded reluctantly. Moblit waited for him to elaborate.

“Well, the doctors wanted me to come so I could remember what happened.” Eren looked at Moblit expectantly.

“Yes, that is true, but is that all you are hoping to get out of this?”

Eren frowned. He hadn’t thought about anything else besides retrieving his memories.

“Let’s start with getting to know each other.” Moblit suggested.

Eren began telling him about himself and what he spent his time doing, he told him he wasn’t majoring in anything yet and that he really had no clue what he wanted to do in college. Moblit wrote that down but didn’t push the subject further.

Eren skimmed quickly over his mother’s death and continued on to tell him about his school life and how he always got into fights. Moblit stayed silent aside from the occasional question until Eren finished.

“How did Mikasa come under your parents’ guardianship?” Eren blanked. He hadn’t even thought about mentioning it.

“Uh, well we were neighbors ever since I can remember and our parents were really close, so close that they were my godparents and mine were theirs. So, when Mikasa’s parents died she was adopted by us because she had no other family that qualified.”

“How did her parents die?”

Eren paused and scratched his brain. “Well, it was really late at night and her parents lived right next to us, really close. I could see Mikasa’s parent’s room from my window. As I said, it was really late at night and I was supposed to be asleep—everyone else was. And I saw like an orange light outside my window like flickering…at first I thought it was a streetlamp that was burning out but then I realized it was way too bright. I looked out my window and into the Ackerman’s bedroom and there was fire, everywhere. I couldn’t see anything but the fire so I freaked out and called them.

I don’t know if I was really expecting anyone to answer, but Mikasa did. I could tell I had woken her up and she didn’t know what was happening. Her room was downstairs so I guess the fire started in her parent’s room. I told her to get out of the house as fast as she could. She thought it was like a prank or just me being me so she did. And that’s when she realized…the police came and declared her parents had died in the fire. She was different after that.”

Moblit gave Eren a moment to think over what he had just said. “How old were you?”

“Seven or eight.”

“Why did you call Mikasa?”

Eren looked at Moblit, confusion written all over his face. “Because I wanted to make sure she was okay. Get her out.”

“Why didn’t you call 911 or your parents?”

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think of it. I just wanted Mikasa to be okay; I wanted to get her out of it.”

Moblit nodded satisfied with the answer. “You said you got into a lot of fights protecting your friends or other people during school, correct?”

Eren furrowed his eyebrows. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Even recently at your college.” Moblit’s tone was softer hoping he wouldn’t trigger a bad reaction from Eren. Eren didn’t give one.

“Yes.”

“Do you feel like you have a need to protect other people?”

“Well, I want to help other people of course. It’s not like I’m some sort of hero.” Eren laughed, sarcasm coating his tone. He didn’t think that at all. He was far from a hero—closer to a monster who couldn’t control his temper.

Moblit smiled kindly. “No, of course not.”

“Do you tend to stand up for yourself as much as you do for others?”

Eren grew silent, so Moblit moved on to another subject. “Tell me about your friend Armin.”

Eren brightened immediately and told Moblit everything he could, even the memory of playing hide and seek with Armin and Mikasa when they were little. He told him about all the fights he had gotten into when protecting Armin, and how they wanted to see the ocean.

Moblit gave him an odd look. “You live on the east coast.”

Eren smiled. “Yeah, but we want to see the ocean differently, you know. All of it.”

Moblit nodded a smile playing at his lips.

\--

“How was it?” Levi was putting dishes away when Eren had gotten back from his session.

“No hello?” Eren asked faking his annoyance. Levi glared at him playfully.

Eren shook his jack off and hung it up in Levi’s closest; he knew Levi didn’t like having clothes just thrown around. He plopped himself on the couch and crossed his legs, rocking himself back and forth as he looked at Levi.

“Why do you do that?” Levi pointed at Eren’s rocking with a wet knife.

Eren looked down at his legs. “Dunno. Calms me down, I guess?”

Levi got back to washing the dishes and Eren leaned over the armrest to rest his head on his arm. Levi didn’t mention it if Eren’s observing bothered him. His gaze occasionally flicked up at Eren—each time surprised as if he wasn’t expecting to see him.

When Levi dried his hands off, he climbed onto the couch and sat behind Eren.

“You didn’t answer my question, Jaeger.”

Eren threw his head back looking at Levi from an upside down angle as he hung on to the couch’s side. “Hmm?”

“How did the session go?” Levi stared at Eren clearly amused by his current position.

“Oh, that.” Eren let go of the couch and fell on Levi’s lap. Levi let out a sound that sounded like ‘oof’ and glared at the boy in his lap.

Eren smiled angelically up at his boyfriend. “It was okay, nothing serious. Mostly getting to know each other and talking about Mikasa and Armin.”

Levi hummed his response and bent down to Eren until his dark locks tickled Eren’s face.

“You’re such a brat, you know that.” Levi’s breath was warm. Eren whined dramatically. “I am not.”

“Uh-huh.” Levi’s hands skimmed Eren’s side.

“I’m not ticklish.” Eren blurted, knowing what Levi was up to. He stared at Levi trying his best to look intimidating; it wasn’t working.

Levi attacked Eren with tickles, careful of his healing injuries, until Eren’s sides hurt from laughing and his tears welled with tears.

Eren choked on his laughter. “I h-hate you.”

“Mm, no you don’t.” Levi pulled back and stopped his attacks on Eren.

It took Eren a couple of minutes to stop giggling and completely calm down. He looked up at Eren with one eye; the other was shielded by his arm. “No, I don’t," he agreed.

Eren swung his arms out and wrapped them around Levi’s waist. Levi groaned. “You’re like a goddamn monkey.”

Eren giggled.

“Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“Tell me a story.”

“What are you five?” Eren’s response was a hard pinch to Levi’s side. Levi leaned back onto the couch.

“Okay. There was this story my caretaker in France used to tell me.” Eren immediately looked at Levi. Levi had never shared anything about his past; Eren had no clue he lived in France.

“You’re French?”

“Oi, are you going to let me finish my story?”

“Sorry, sorry.” Eren said insincerely.

“I don’t remember it completely,” Eren played with the hem of Levi’s shirt as he spoke.

“There was a man walking through a forest and he came across a cocoon. The cocoon was shaking greatly, and the creature inside was struggling to come out. The man took out a blade and cut it free. He cradled the new moth in his hand, waiting for it to spread its fine wings. But the wings were undersized—it’s colors dull and ordinary. Spared the struggle that would have developed them, the moth could now only crawl on thin legs and soon died.”

Eren glanced up at Levi. “That’s it?” Levi nodded.

“Kind of morbid, don’t you think?” Eren muttered.

Levi shook his head. “No. I had a bad start at life; I lived in an orphanage. Anna, my caretaker, was trying to tell me that you have to undergo hardships to become better in the end. Or some shit like that.”

Levi carded his fingers through Eren’s hair. “It’s just a story.” Levi added.

“You must have undergone a lot of hardships.”

“What makes you say that?” Levi asked and Eren wondered if his prediction was correct.

“Because you’re so goddamn _better._ ” Eren emphasized ‘better’ hoping Levi knew he meant better than others and not better than he was before. Levi smiled lazily down at him and wiped his thumb under Eren’s eyes, following its wide shape.

Levi bent down and Eren’s breath hitched. His lips were soft and tasted as tantalizing as ever and Eren wondered if a time would ever come when he wasn’t as ecstatic to kiss Levi. Eren licked at Levi’s lower lip, and his lips parted. Eren slid his tongue forward, pressing tentatively at Levi’s lips. Levi pushed forward, his mouth sliding over the both of their tongues before pushing his own past Eren’s lips. Eren accepted the unspoken challenge, and skimmed the inside of Levi’s mouth. The playfulness was thrown aside, and it became an all-out-war for dominance; seeing who could keep their tongue inside the other’s mouth before it was pushed out.

Levi gave up after a few minutes and let Eren win, opening his mouth and pressing it against his lover’s. A shock of static ran through Eren’s torso as Levi ran his hand over it. Eren pulled back from the kiss, a string of saliva connecting them, and looked at Levi with an unhappy expression.

“You shocked me.” Eren pouted and Levi bent forward to lick at the extended lip. Eren could feel the smirk that danced on Levi’s lips as he kissed Eren’s jaw and neck. Eren ran his hands through Levi’s hair and eventually the kisses stopped coming, but Levi didn’t back away. He cradled Eren in his arms, encompassing him, shielding him from anything this godforsaken planet was going to throw at him.

\--

The next day when Eren woke up, Levi had already left for work and one of Eren’s heartstrings plucked to a painful tune. He grabbed his phone and tugged the comforter over his head, creating his own little fortress. 

He shot a text to Levi saying he had just woke up and that he was going to have breakfast soon.

**Levi:**

_Are you going to share with me how your morning shit was too?_

Eren let out a long, loud laugh.

**Eren:**

_i haven’t taken one yet. but I’ll inform u as soon as i do c:_ _  
_

**Levi:**

_Go eat brat. I’ll be home by 2._

Home. This was his home. Eren hugged the phone to his chest. He assumed it looked weird that an 18 year old— _an adult—_ was huddled under blankets hugging his cellphone, an impossibly wide smile on his face, all because of a stupid text. It wasn’t even anything cute or flirtatious it was the fact that Levi thought of his home as their home and it made Eren want to throw his phone against the wall from the giddiness he was feeling.

Levi had been opening up to Eren, trusting him with things he never had before; things Eren hadn’t thought Levi was even capable of doing when they had first met.

Eren thumbed his phone, a frown plaguing his happiness. He wished he could be honest with Levi in return, but what would he tell him? Levi had revealed to him that he was an orphan it was only fair that Eren share something in return. _That’s it I’m going to tell him the truth…not everything, but enough._ His frown deepened. He couldn’t even tell him all of the truth. How was he ever going to be a good boyfriend?

Eren started to feel more suffocated than comforted by the blankets. He pushed them away and sat upright.

Eren slapped both sides of his face with his hands. _I’ll tell him everything. I have to._

Eren looked over at the clock on the nightstand. _11:44._

He got up and showered, brushed his teeth, and had something to eat. When he was done he texted Armin and Mikasa letting them know that he was okay and he had already taken the anti-inflammatories he was prescribed. Mikasa didn’t answer back because she was in class but Eren had a small conversation with Armin, mostly about how Armin was suffering because now there wasn’t only one person in his house that couldn’t cook but two.

A smile returned to Eren’s somber face. He was glad Mikasa was staying with Armin and that they were having a good time. This way they wouldn’t be in his hair while he was staying with Levi.

Eren shed his pajamas and put on an oversized sweater that reached his knees. He looked down at his legs and shrugged; he never fancied pants.

It was almost one and Eren had nothing to do. He sat on the couch and blowed at the bangs that fell on his face. Something caught his eye. Eren got up and walked towards the bookcase. Eren skimmed his fingers over a row of books as he took in all the different titles. There were a lot he knew and a lot he didn’t; he picked an unfamiliar one.

It was in French that much he could tell. He started scanning through it.

 

* * *

 

**Levi**

Levi ran his hand down his face. Work had been a royal pain in the ass. He had his substitute assign an annalistic essay for his classes to finish during his leave, but he should’ve known better than to leave something _so_ complicated to a rookie. He rolled his eyes and opened the door to his apartment.

What he opened it to was a unique surprise. Eren was standing by the bookcase in the living room wearing only an oversized sweater. Suddenly, all his previous stress was forgotten.

He smirked. The boy was reading the Bible in French but obviously hadn’t figured that out yet.

“Hey, honey I’m home.” Levi called gaining Eren’s attention.

“Ew, you made a joke don’t do that again.” Eren scrunched up his nose, feigning disgust; Levi loved when he did that. He walked over and wrapped his arms gently around Eren’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder.

“What are you doing?”

“Mm, trying to decipher these…hieroglyphics.” Eren frowned down at the book in his hands.

Levi snorted. “You mean French.”

Eren hummed. “I took it in like fourth grade,” he clicked his tongue, “can’t remember a thing.”

Levi decided to wait a while before telling Eren, but he was beat to it when realization dawned on the boy. “I’m reading the freaking Bible aren’t I?”

Levi exhaled. “That you are.”

“I didn’t know you were religious.”

“Not anymore. I was when I was younger. ‘If in this life we have only hope in Christ, we are most miserable of all people’. Religion does nothing for me anymore, but I do like reading different holy texts once in a while.” Eren put the book back in its place as Levi spoke and turned around in Levi’s embrace once he was done.

“That reminds me. I brought all of the things you missed. Erwin let it slip since your circumstances were more than unusual, but I brought them over in case you wanted to look them over anyway.” Levi’s heart warmed at Eren’s smile.

“Thanks, you didn’t have to.”

“Yes, I did. I don’t want you to get dumber.” Levi grinned as Eren stomped on his foot.

Eren disappeared into the bedroom and Levi followed suit.

“Why aren’t you wearing pants, Eren?”

Eren moaned dramatically and flopped on the bed making the hem of his sweater rise further up his thighs. “They’re so restrictive and annoying. Plus it kind of hurts to bend over and pull them up,” Eren rubbed his healing ribs, and Levi frowned at this. Eren lifted his head and bent his knee seductively.

“Why? Does it bother you?”

Levi raised an eyebrow; the balls on this kid. “Not in the slightest.”

Eren smiled smugly and lied back down. He seemed to be lost in thought after that.

“Levi there’s something I want to tell you. It’s about my parents.” Eren casted his eyes down; Levi could tell whatever he wanted to discuss was going to be difficult and would involve Kleenex.

Levi mulled over this before speaking. “I’m all ears, Bright Eyes.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Annie**

Annie twirled the wad of cash in her hand that Hitch had handed over, looking at it with disgust. She could hear the rhythmic tapping of the heels of Hitch’s secretary clicking and clacking on the porcelain floor as she made her way over.

“Ms. Dreyse, the men you hired are here to see you now.”

Hitch waved her hand. “Send them in.”  She turned to smile the fakest smile Annie had ever witnessed.

“Lose the frown darling it’s bad for business,” she ran her thin fingers over the glass of her desk. “I guess you always have been the brooding type.”

Two unrecognizable men walked in fitted suits, iron stoic expressions on. “Ms. Dreyse.” The secretary bowed her head slightly and left.

“Hello boys, did you do as I asked?” Hitch smiled bitterly at them; one flinched. They obviously were accustomed to Hitch’s act and the monster that hid beneath it.

Annie narrowed her eyes at the three other people in the room. Why hadn’t Hitch sent her out yet? Annie obviously wasn’t involved with these men and had no clue what they were hired to do for the witch. Unless, Hitch planned to involve Annie in this. But why? What could she possibly need Annie for?

One of the men stepped forward, his hands clasped over his front. “Yes, we found the doctor. He fled to southern Washington State.”

Hitch hummed in acknowledgement. “So far. No, that just won’t do. He really should be closer to home.”

“What do you want us to do with him?” The other one asked this time.

Annie’s heart pounded in her chest. She had a terrible feeling she knew who this doctor was.

“Take him down.” Hitch’s voice took on a whole new tone that didn’t settle well with Annie. The men nodded and turned to leave.

“And boys,” she called, “I want you to find an old friend for me.”

“Who?”

Annie’s eyes darted between the conversers. What was this? What did it have to do with her—what will it have to do with her?

Hitch stared directly at Annie with cold eyes as she spoke. “Farlan Church.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohh what does Hitch want with Farlan??  
> Thank you so much for reading guys :)  
> Edit: BTW I just posted a oneshot of Eren and Levi so if you want to go check it out..


	18. A Step into the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourselves for crying, kisses, confessions, crying, kisses. That's it that's the entire chapter. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy sorry this is late I've been sick for what feels like a thousand years (in reality 1 week).

_“I want you to tell me about how your mother died.”_

_The light in the clean, organized room hurt his eyes. It was probably because he spent most of his time indoors with little to no sunlight. Well, until Levi would come back and turn the lights on saying Eren was showing too many vampire symptoms. He supposed it wasn’t very healthy nor did make Levi worry less, but something about the dark was…comforting._

_His body felt like dead weight, his legs bolted into the ground, an iron rod coiling around his heart making it thump slower…slower._

_His brain on the other hand completely contrasted his body. It was light, floating as if it wasn’t even existent._

_“Eren?”_

_His eyes bolted up to Moblit’s concerned face. He nodded slowly to his therapist’s previous question._

_Eren opened his mouth, his tongue betraying him as he started to speak. “I was nine when it happened…”_

\--

“I was nine when it happened.”

At some point Eren’s hands had started trembling and Levi had scooted closer to him. Eren didn’t dare look at him in the eyes and he had no intention to do so for the rest of the conversation. He wasn’t able to; he just wasn’t. He didn’t want to see Levi’s reaction. He had never told anyone, besides Moblit. Everyone who knew just _knew_ already so he had never had to tell anyone.

Of course he had to tell some new people the gist which was vaguely coated and usually fit into the one sentence of, “My mom is dead.”

He had only had to have gone into detail once and that was with Moblit. That had been excruciating enough. Re-living the moment was…and the pity— _God,_ he hated when people pitied him. Especially, when it came from the one person it shouldn’t come from. Like for fuck’s sake isn’t it in a shrink’s job description to not pity their patient. Every other person has some sort of degree of the right to pity but not a therapist nope. Well, he supposed by that logic then Moblit did have that right because he did know Eren as Eren before he became his patient.

Eren shook his head in annoyance. He was just putting off telling Levi the truth. Why wouldn’t he? He knew Levi wasn’t going to think of him the same as before. Either he would think of Eren as a monster—which he was—and reject him completely _or_ he was going to do the worst thing possible and pity him. Pity him and demoralize him. Pity him and call it sympathy, empathy. Pity him and wonder ‘what have I gotten myself into’?

“Hey, hey-it’s okay. Look at me, Eren.” There were words and then there were hands on his face. Eren exhaled and leaned into Levi until there was nothing in the world but him.

Levi held him, anchored him down.

He was okay. _I’m okay. I’m with him._

“I was nine when I killed my mother.” There was no response from Levi, not verbally at least.

“I uhh I went to school with Mikasa and Armin like every other day. I was in class and there was this kid. Fucking Garret Reade. He wouldn’t leave me alone, kept throwing things at me and I snapped. Started attacking him. So, they sent me to the office to wait for someone to pick me up. Dad was always working, as usual, so my mom came to get me.”

Small circles were being rubbed into his back, reminding him that his love hadn’t left him… not yet.

“She was pissed—beyond pissed, and she dragged me out of the school by my ear.” Eren laughed nostalgically. “We were in the car and she was yelling at me about my seatbelt. I put it on all the while wondering how come she got to yell at me for not having a seatbelt on while she didn’t have hers on. She should’ve had hers on…

We were—she was…wasn’t paying attention to the road and when I woke up they were talking, yelling everywhere. The sirens were so loud and I was so cold. The windshield was broken and I-I looked at my mom, and she—she was…

Her eyes were opened, wide with this fear. This impossible fear, like she knew she just knew she wasn’t going to survive this crash. There was blood everywhere. Down her face, eyes, mouth and she had t-this fucking pole of metal just in her stomach—lodged in there.” He didn’t speak for a while after that. Too overcome by his tears and emotions. Levi held him. Never let go.

“I did that to her! I killed her…”

\--

_“That’s how she died. That’s how I killed her.”_

_“Why do you believe that, Eren?”_

_“Why? Why? Because it’s what happened!”_

_“Is that what happened or is that what you tell yourself happened?”_

_“What?”_

_“Yes, your mother did die in a horrible, horrific car accident and unfortunately you were in the car as well. You survived, you were taken to the hospital and then you went home.”_

_“So, tell me Eren how you killed your mother?”_

_\--_

Eren felt like his stomach was going lurch out of his body. He clung to the fabric of Levi’s shirt, his head still buried in his shoulder.

He had been like this for the last ten minutes or so after he had stopped speaking. He had been waiting; waiting for Levi’s reaction. But it had never come. Fear tore at Eren’s chest. He knew the only reason that the silence had grown thick like a fog was because Levi was contemplating his words carefully. This meant he either, (A) didn’t know how to comfort Eren without offending him, (B) thought that anything he’d say would only further upset his lover, (C) was disgusted with Eren and what he had told him, or (D) simply didn’t have anything to say.

Either way, Eren just preferred he’d get it over with and say whatever he had to say. The waiting and ever growing anxiety was eating him alive and he wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to take it.

With his mind preoccupied by his thoughts, Eren’s sobbing had subsided and his fingers had slowly uncurled from their purchase on Levi. Apparently, Levi thought this was a sign of him calming down and he scooted off the bed. Eren’s heart leaped into his throat.

 _What if he leaves me again?_ It would be quite ironic if Levi abandoned Eren in his own home again, but it wouldn’t be the first time. Eren looked up. Levi was gone.

Eren pressed the heels of his palms into his face and bent over until he touched his knees.

The sound of water running vaguely reached his ears before he was scooped up into someone’s embrace. He wrapped his arms instinctively around Levi’s neck.

Levi set Eren down on the marble counter and walked over to the bath. Eren watched as he ran his fingers under the rushing water to check the temperature.

Levi walked back to him and started to pull Eren’s clothes off. Warm blood rushed to Eren’s cheeks. It wasn’t like he’d never been naked in front of Levi before, but that had been, what felt like, a long time ago and it had ended very well.

Eren sat naked in silence as he watched Levi undress. Levi tugged at his wrist and Eren sluggishly hopped off the counter and waded into the water.

He immediately rested on the edge and let the warmth seep into his body. He closed his eyes and let himself get lost in the sensation. He hadn’t even realized Levi had gotten into the bath as well until he felt the familiar arms wrap around his waist. Eren leaned against Levi’s chest and let himself be caressed by his sweet touches.

“Your mother’s death was not your fault and I know that’s the last thing you want to hear. I know that. I understand. But trust me the actual last thing you should hear is that you’re right; something tells me that you’ve already been told that.” Levi paused and ran his fingers down Eren’s arm.

“But they were wrong. You are wrong. I was wrong too. For a long, long time I told myself the same thing. That Anna’s death was my fault—that Isabel’s death is my fault…

I told you I lived in an orphanage. I did, but not for my whole childhood. I was in France with Anna until I was six or seven then I was taken to America by a man named Kenny Ackerman.”

Eren perked up at the familiar name and turned around to give Levi a peculiar look. Levi pushed Eren’s hair back and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“I lived with him until I was thirteen. That’s when Louie, Anna’s brother found me. He took me back to France because my only motherly figure was dying from cancer. I met a funny pair of kids while I was there. They were helping Anna as she was sick; orphans too. You remind me a lot of the boy. Anyway, Anna passed away and I stayed for her funeral. I never went back to Kenny’s house again after that. Louie made me a promise that he would bring my rapist to justice.

He did eventually and I never saw that man again. I went back into the foster system and Louie promised again to make sure I never went to a bad home again. He kept his promise but that never stopped me from making my own Hell. I didn’t stay in the orphanage most of the time; they didn’t really care anyways. I started wandering into the bad parts of town—got into drugs, gangs. When I was sixteen I was taken in by a family. The parents were very kind and never tried to pry into my past. Their daughter, my little sister, Isabel was determined to make an impact on me.

I loved her so much; such a bundle of joy and anger. Just like you,” Levi jabbed lightly at Eren’s ribs stirring a small chuckle from him.

“Pretty green eyes too… I went to college. Met a girl and fell in love or as close to love as I could with her. It wasn’t because she was a woman I have no issues with gender or anything. I fancy myself bisexual and demiromantic,” Levi chuckled. “I think that’s the most I’ve ever thought about my sexuality but I thought you deserved to know.

I met Hanji and Moblit and Erwin in high school and funny enough we all went to the same college. We were all one big happy family,” his words dripped with sarcasm.

“Until I made a new…friend. She was a dealer—my dealer—but she was a good friend. She was part of this _thing_ , something bigger than both of us. After college ended I stopped buying, and they weren’t too happy about that. My friend tried to lure them off my trail for a bit, but they found me eventually. Isabel and Farlan—he was our best-friend; totally in love with my sister—they came over for a… celebration. I was showering, I think Farlan left to the store or something; he wasn’t there when it happened.”

Levi’s grip tightened on Eren and Eren could feel tears well in his eyes.

“Some idiots came for money I didn’t have…there was an argument and they shot Isabel as payment.”

Eren held his breath until Levi finished.

“I held her in my arms as she died…then I went to jail for five years for drug possession. When I got out the only ones waiting for me were Hanji and Erwin. That blonde bastard got me a job and lent me this apartment until I got back on my feet.”

When Eren realized that was the end of Levi’s life-story he turned around to face him in the water. Eren was crying profusely. Nobody, _nobody_ should have to go through that let alone someone as wonderful as Levi. He leaned forward and held Levi’s head in his hands.

Levi looked pained as if he was reliving the memories and it made Eren’s heart drop. He had wanted Levi to open up to him all this time and know that he did he suddenly wasn’t sure how to deal with it all.

He sniffled and thumbed Levi’s cheek. “I’m so sorry Levi, I’m so, so s-sorry.”

Levi closed his eyes and smiled. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“No, I do, I do.” He pushed at Levi’s hair frantically.

Levi looked at him expectantly. “When I said earlier that you had to have been better because you went through so much pain…I-I had no clue—I didn’t know, and I’m sorry. You’re not better because of what you went through, that’s not fair because you didn’t deserve it. That amount of pain and grief shouldn’t ever have to be felt, and fuck oh my god.”

Eren leaned against Levi’s forehead. “You’re amazing solely because you are you, and I love that. I love you.”

Levi pulled back and stared at Eren in wonder. There were small trickles of tears leaking out of Levi’s eyes. Eren’s breath hitched; he hadn’t wanted to make him cry.

Levi cracked a huge smile one never witnessed before, and Eren swore he saw sunshine seep out. Levi grabbed Eren and pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. Eren threaded his hands in Levi’s hair, feeling the buzz of his undercut and the silk strands fall in between his fingers. Levi pushed Eren onto the edge of the tub, until Eren was completely cloaked by the water and the love he felt.

\--

Eren stared up at the darkened ceiling. He lay in the sea of covers alone as Levi made his night tea. He knew Levi wouldn’t come to bed for a while, not until he finished working. Even then he wouldn’t sleep much; just hold Eren in his arms as the night rolled past. Eren knew this. He wished the raven would be able to sleep more, but he was glad he stayed with Eren. He needed someone there.

It seemed like he was most unsafe when he was asleep; when he was alone with his mind and the horrors that trudged inside. Some nights he would wake up screaming and clawing at empty air, only to be in Levi’s arms and without recollection of the dream.

He wondered what he dreamed about, and why it would send him into such frenzy. He wondered if Levi had similar dreams; surely his life had given him enough nightmare material. Maybe that’s why he was an insomniac; perhaps it was his brains defense mechanism.

Eren sighed. Everything that Levi had told him was painful to digest; painful to acknowledge that _it_ was real and it had very much happened. He couldn’t imagine how difficult it must have and is for Levi. He almost felt guilty for burdening the man with his trivial issues. He knew though if he ever voiced this thought that Levi would angrily reject it. He cared for Eren even though he hadn’t verbalized it like Eren had, but that was okay. Levi showed his affection through his actions. Eren knew that now.

_Eren wrapped a towel around his waist and leaned against the counter, watching—more like admiring—Levi. Levi noticed his stare soon enough and returned a genuine smile. He walked over and kissed Eren lazily and then continued to leave chaste kisses on his face and neck._

_“Eren?”_

_“Mm?”_

_“Do you think it’s my fault that Isabel and Anna died?”_

_Eren’s eyes widened. “No, of course not!”_

_Levi nodded. “Do you blame me for being raped?”_

_Eren muttered a ‘no’ and hugged Levi closer. “Why are you asking me this?”_

_“No reason.” He nestled his head in the crook of Eren’s neck. “One more question.”_

_“Go ahead.”_

_“Why do you blame yourself for your mother’s death and your dad’s abuse?”_

_Eren stared at him dumbfounded. He never gave Levi an answer, but he assumed Levi would’ve guessed he wouldn’t have answered._

Levi knew about Eren’s father, yet Eren had never told him.

\--

Eren twirled his spoon in his bowl of cereal. “I think I’m going out today.”

Levi looked up at him. “Why?”

“What do you mean why?” Eren narrowed is eyes at him. “Aren’t you the one who’s always trying to get me to go out?”

Levi sipped at his coffee tentatively. “Yes, but that’s with _me_.”

Eren rolled his eyes playfully. “I’ll be fine.”

Levi stared at him clearly doubtful.

“Please?” Eren pouted and when Levi didn’t respond he got up and walked to other end of the table. Eren straddled Levi in his chair and took his coffee away, quickly sipping it before putting it down. He looked at Levi’s exasperated face and smiled, bending to nip at his clean, shaved jaw.

He licked at Levi’s lower lip and kissed him sweetly and quickly.

“Please, baby, let me go.” Eren leaned back to look at Levi’s amused face.

“Did you just call me baby?”

“Yeah, so what? Does it turn you on?” Eren wiggled his eyebrows playfully and grinded down on Levi experimentally. The movement sent a shock through his body; he could feel everything—considering he was only wearing a loose shirt and boxers.

Levi stilled Eren’s hips and gave out an annoyed sigh. “You’re an insufferable brat, you know that?”

Eren grinned widely. “Does this mean I can go?”

Levi gave him a knowing look and Eren let out a ‘hooray’. He pecked Levi on the cheek before getting up to rush to the bedroom. Eren was yanked down by his wrist before he could even take a step away from the table. He plopped down back in Levi’s lap.

“Where do you think you’re going? You haven’t even said goodbye,” Levi hummed leaned closer to Eren. “I might have to discipline you, eh?”

Eren giggled and captured Levi’s lips and hooked his arms around his neck. “Have a nice day, baby.”

Levi scoffed at the name and kissed Eren one more time before lifting him off him so he could get up.

“I love you.” Eren blurted. He hadn’t meant to but ever since he had first said it he couldn’t stop thinking it.

Levi stared at him, his face blank momentarily before he smiled and kissed Eren. Eren let out a sigh of relief. He supposed he should feel disappointed that Levi hadn’t said ‘I love you’ back, but he didn’t. He knew it must be hard for Levi to let people in let alone say things that would make him so vulnerable. Eventually, it would happen and until then Eren wasn’t going to let Levi forget that he meant it every time he said it.

“Text me when you’re leaving and—

“—when I come back. Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine I promise, and I’ll call you if anything happens.”

They shared one more kiss before Levi left and Eren rushed off to shower.

\--

Eren settled down in his seat at the coffee shop. He had been wandering around aimlessly for the last half hour. It was relieving and nice to be out, but he had to admit he was rather bored and lonely. He stared down at his phone at the text message he had opened up 20 minutes ago.

**Levi:**

_> Okay. Please don’t get lost or kidnapped or in a fight. _

_> I miss you too._

He smiled down at the device in his hand.

“Eren!”

He nearly dropped his phone in his coffee in the process of being tackled by his friend.

“Hi, Hanji.”

“Who you texting?” She placed her index finger on her lips. “Let me guess. Is it the love of your life!!?”

Eren’s eyes widened, his face in flames. He was spluttering an answer back when he heard a small laugh that certainly hadn’t come from Hanji.

“Oh! Eren this is my friend.” He looked next to Hanji to see a petite honey blonde woman.

She extended her hand and Eren took it. “Hi, I’m Petra. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Eren’s smile faltered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren you little shit with your manipulative seductiveness. I really love protective Levi too if you haven't noticed.  
> mmkay the next chapter will be plot-filled and hopefully out sooner than this one was and chapter 20 is all about the Network sooo yeah. 
> 
> My tumblr is hellajaeger if you have any questions or want to send me prompts :)


	19. What Goes Around Comes Back Around to Bite You in the Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Gore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AP Spanish is digging my grave; you're all formally invited to the funeral.  
> Hi, lovelies. There's probably tons of mistakes because I didn't beta it soooooo bear with me.

When Eren got home Levi had been patiently awaiting. He was sitting on the living room couch, hunched over his laptop which was next to a stack of papers; Eren hadn’t seen them before and Levi wasn’t fumbling through them which meant they were for Eren. He cringed thinking of the workload, but he knew that this way he wasn’t forced to go to the college.

He wasn’t ready, not yet. Being around so many people and thinking about seeing his friends and how they would react…it was just all too much for him. It had been hard enough for him to gather up the courage this morning and leave the apartment; he couldn’t imagine having to face familiar faces for hours on end. He had wanted to leave that much was for sure, but after running into Petra and Hanji, Eren had felt overworked, exhausted.

The two girls had left Eren in peace after Hanji had given him a knowing look and had noticed his discomfort. He supposed it wasn’t too unclear how his manner had shifted after he had realized who Petra was. He hadn’t wanted to react that way, but he couldn’t help it. After everything Levi had told him the other day it was just hard for him to think of Petra as anything more than the girl who left his love when he needed her most.

He supposed she had her reasoning and a second side to the story, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. It wasn’t that he hated her—no far from it. He was glad she had been a part of Levi’s life and he wasn’t jealous. He just didn’t understand why she would want to leave someone like him.

Perhaps, he would never know.

At least Hanji had been genuinely happy to see him. She had texted him a few times since the hospital mostly to check up on him.  He wondered if Moblit ever keyed her in on his progress. He knew she wouldn’t pry no matter how much she wanted to. She knew when to step back and that’s what made her such a good friend.

He wanted to see his friends and by their constant messages and gifts they also wanted to see him. He knew better though. He knew he wasn’t ready for that big of a step. Maybe one or two people at a time; Eren didn’t think he could handle more than that. Armin and Mikasa visited him all the time when they could and he enjoyed it, but he had always had those two around; he guessed that not even amnesia could change that.

It certainly couldn’t erase the man that looked at him quizzically now. He went to the kitchen and grabbed an apple before he practically threw himself on top of Levi.

Levi groaned. “Get off me.”

“Oh no, gravity is increasing on me.” A joyous laughter filled the air as Eren squished Levi with his body. Levi grunted before he peeled Eren off of him and fixed him with a glare.

Eren leaned into the couch and took a bite out of his apple, letting the juices seep into his mouth.

“You need to eat more than that, kid.”

Eren stuck his tongue out at his boyfriend and waited for Levi to start asking him questions.

It didn’t take long. “How was your day?”

“It was great. How was yours, honey?” Eren plastered a fake smile on his face. Levi narrowed his eyes at Eren. _Well, if you’re going to go about it that way then you should’ve expected me to answer the same way._

“So nothing happened?” Levi took his glasses off and set them aside. Eren frowned; he liked those glasses.

“No, nothing happened. I just walked around and drank some coffee.” Eren drawled his words out. “Well, I did see Hanji today.”

Levi raised his brows. “Yeah, she nearly gave me a stroke when she attacked me,” he smiled done at his apple, “and I met someone else.” His words lost their volume and he wondered why he thought he could do this. How would Levi react to the news? Did he even know Petra was here?

“Really?” Levi held a guarded tone when he saw the look on Eren’s face.

“She was with Petra.”

Levi was silent for a long time and Eren was a tidbit scared to look up from his half-chewed apple.

“Are you mad at me?” Eren’s voice had gotten uncharacteristically soft. A shock of astonishment rippled through him when Levi let out a dark chuckle.

“Why would I be mad at you?”

Eren shrugged simply because he didn’t know what else to do. Levi got up and Eren watched as he went to grab their coats.

“Come on; let’s find a place for you to eat. Can't have you starving on me.” Levi held Eren’s coat in his outstretched hand. Eren beamed and practically leapt off the couch. How silly of him to ever doubt Levi’s sincerity.

\--

Eren’s body shook with the winds careless blows. He wasn’t exactly sure why he had thought it a good idea to leave the warm confinements of the apartment. But he had someone he needed to see; someone he hadn’t spoken to in far too long.

The look that settled upon the blonde bartenders face was priceless and Eren could still feel the remains of his anger boil.

He walked up to the bar and avoided eye contact with Annie.

“What are you doing here?” Her voice was hushed and filled with irritation as if she was worried someone would overhear them.

“I want to talk to Hannes.” He held his gaze with Annie determined to not let it go no matter how much he wanted to; he needed her to know that he didn’t need her and that he was fine without her. He wanted her to regret ever turning her back on him.

Annie’s gaze shifted slightly to the entryway as if she was keeping an eye on something or someone. When her indigo orbs returned to him she gave him a curt nod and disappeared into the back to find her boss.

Eren clenched his teeth. She acted like she hadn’t seen the healing, ghastly scar that his hair partially covered. He had spent so much time solely around Levi he had almost forgotten about his hideous and obvious injuries and the unknown reason behind them. But not even Levi could grant him such peace.

Eren wasn’t sure if it would have angered him more if Annie had actually acknowledged his wounds; he just wanted something—anything from her.

He guessed not everyone was capable of caring.

“Eren, my boy!” His eyes flicked up to the familiar voice, spreading a warmth through him that momentarily replaced the cold Annie had bestowed upon him. Hannes leaned against the bar and motioned for Eren to follow him. They settled into a booth far from any commotion.

Eren looked at Hannes; he seemed different. It had to be the hair, which was shorter. He smiled internally thinking Hannes had time to cut his hair but not to shave.

“Where have you been?”

Eren tapped his fingers on the cool surface of a glass cup. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Hannes looked at him, confusion stretched on his features.

“You know you’ve always been like a father to me, more so than my own.” Hannes smiled and Eren couldn’t help but return it. “I’m really sorry I haven’t come to see you in so long; there’s just been so much crap going on…”

Eren took a breath. He wasn’t really sure where he was going with this or why he came here in the first place. Hannes picked up on Eren’s distress and cleared his throat to speak.

“If I may ask, where did you got that?” Hannes nodded to Eren and Eren reached up to pat his head.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Eren smiled tightly; “I woke up in the hospital a few weeks ago. I was in really bad shape; two bruised ribs, one fractured. Couple cuts on my arm,” he raised it and pulled his sleeve down to show Hannes, “some stitches, and this bad boy,” Eren tapped the scab on his temple.

“I woke up confused as Hell with no memories of the event or as how my psychiatrist likes to refer to as ‘Dissociative Amnesia’,” Hannes fixed him a confused stare. “Trauma induced amnesia,” Eren explained.

“I was attacked in my home so I was removed from it; I live with my boyfriend now.” Eren watched for any reaction to that piece of information, but Hannes didn’t seem to think much of it, so he continued.

“Really I just came here to ask you if you saw anyone sketchy around my house recently.” He looked at Hannes optimistically.

Hannes shook his head. “Sorry, Eren.”

Eren’s head dropped slightly. He hadn’t really expected a different answer, but hope was a dangerous emotion to toy with.

“Where has your dad been during all of this?”

Eren’s head shot up; he hadn’t been expecting that. In all honesty, he had forgotten about him.

Eren let out a nervous chuckle. “I don’t really know. He said he left the night before on a business trip and he hasn’t contacted since.”

Hanes nodded thoughtfully and Eren knew what he was thinking but it wasn’t possible. His father couldn’t have done this to him. It just wasn’t in his nature.

Eren smiled. “Thanks, anyway.” He got up and gave Hannes a short hug.  As they said their goodbyes Eren noticed Annie rushing past him. Eren turned around to stare at her as she walked out of the bar.

There was someone there someone Eren didn’t recognize. It was another woman; tall, tan, and she had her hair pulled back in a ponytail. They seemed to be arguing about something. It stuck Eren as odd; Annie rarely wasted time on fighting.

They stopped talking and the caramel girl pulled her phone out. She answered it then handed it to Annie. Whoever had called them only further angered the blonde. Annie handed the found back to her friend and they started walking away from the bar.

Since when had Annie left her job without telling Hannes?

Eren found himself on the sidewalk in front of Hannes MP bar. He looked down the road where Annie usually walked to get to her home, but he saw no one. They hadn’t left to soon before he had followed them. He looked the other way. Sure enough, about 50 feet ahead of him were the two girls.

Eren had no clue what possessed him to start following them, but there he was speed-walking in attempt to catch up to them.  

In any normal circumstances Eren would probably shake it off and forget it but this was Annie. This was his friend—more than a friend; family. And no amount of anger and dispute would ever change this.

Eren kept his distance occasionally stopping somewhere so he wouldn’t be spotted. They turned into a street Eren had never seen before; one he must of passed a thousand times on his way to and from the bar, but had never been curious enough to walk down. The street resembled the other ones in physicality but there was something off. There weren’t any cars parked on the sides which is unbelievably rare for New York; the strip of buildings was free of people as well—asides from the girls and Eren.

Eren picked up his pace. The apartments her looked vacated but when he passed one there was a flash of a child’s face before the curtain was drawn. Eren frowned.

The neighborhood branched out into many other similar ones. That was until his guides made a right and disappeared into a roadway. Eren crossed it careful for cars and took in the unfamiliar environment.

This section of town seemed oddly familiar as if it was etched into a memory stored in the back of his brain. He watched across the street as the two girl slipped into an enormous skyscraper almost entirely made of glass.

He knew this building; he had seen it millions of times from afar. He squinted to read the words above the doorway: _Trost Industry._

_Huh. I’ve never heard of that one._

Why would Annie be going to a place like this? Hell, how was she allowed into this place?

Eren walked to the front of it hesitantly. There were doormen posted outside of the reflective entryway, but it appeared that Eren was unnoticed by them.

He eyed them nervously before he slipped into the enigmatic building.

\--

“Ms. Dreyse.”

Her eyes rose steadily from her laptop and settled upon her secretary, sending a chill to run down the poor girl’s spine.

The blonde’s lips upturned slightly. “You come to bear good news I hope?”

The brunette blinked slowly before she looked down at the tablet in her hands.  “The Santino twins have reached their destination. They’ll be keeping us updated on all progress.”

A pen was twiddled between nimble fingers. “Oh, darling did you ever have those boys contact my friend?”

The brunette’s head bobbed. “I will send you the contact information now.” Fingers typed rapidly before a melodic tune filled the empty air.

Steel eyes peered at the profile before her, and then flicked up to her secretary. She waved a dismissal and clicked the call button. It rang twice; she grinned knowing her call had been much awaited.

_“Hello?”_

“Farlan Church, how have you been?”

_“ Uhh okay I guess. Who are you exactly?”_

“Enough with the shenanigans; you know exactly who I am and what I have offered you. Now all I need to know is your answer.”

There was a pregnant pause full of static silence.

_“Yes.”_

A sweet smile dripped with venom grew.

“I am overjoyed to welcome you to the Network, Farlan.”

\--

There was an eerie creaking that rose from the old wood of the front porch step of a small house in the outskirts of Atlanta, Georgia. The Santino twins gave each other a clarifying glance before the older one delivered a steady rasp to the door. The sound of hurried shifting and footsteps grew closer. The door opened slowly.

There was man; middle-aged with long brown hair and small beady eyes framed behind thin glasses. He fit the profile perfectly and the twins shared a knowing grin, glad that they wouldn’t disappoint their boss.

The older one stepped forward, flashing a practiced smile. “Hi, I’m Josh and this is my brother Thierry.” Josh motioned to his brother and the identical boys smiled kindly to the man in front of them.

“Correct me if I’m wrong but you are Grisha Jaeger?” Thierry questioned, eyes observing diligently.

The man narrowed his eyes. “What’s it to you?”

Thierry ignored his question and continued with identifying him. “You are the father of Eren Jaeger and Mikasa Ackerman, correct? Widower of Carla Jaeger and professor at Trost Medical Research Center?”

Grisha nodded hesitantly knowing there was no point in lying.

Josh beamed. “Good then we didn’t get the wrong person.”

“Is there something I can do for you?” Grisha asked warily, hand clutching the door to his home ready to be slammed in the brothers’ faces.

“No, but there is much we can do for you.” Josh replied.

“Well, much we will do to you.” Thierry chimed in.

The Santino twins took a daunting step forward.

\--

When Eren let go of the glass door he felt like he had leaped into a different dimension with no access out. A wave of despair crashed down on Eren leaving him feeling unease.

The foyer was as pristine and fragile-looking as the outside. Everything was annoyingly either white or glass and it made Eren feel like a child running about in a shop full of brittle objects. There was no one in sight, certainly not the women that led him here, aside from a man typing busily behind a desk.

The man barely regarded Eren like the doormen had until he was standing in front of him.

The man sighed as if Eren was the very bane of his existence. He looked up at Eren impassively.

“May I help you?”

Eren shifted on his feet; he had no idea what to say. _Oh, hi I just stalked my friend—who actually hates my guts for no reason—and this other chick, here–a place I had no idea existed. Ya think you can let me through so I can continue stalking them?_

Something in the man’s eyes changed and he suddenly recognized Eren.

He plastered an obviously fake smile on and grabbed a phone. Eren watched him curiously as he typed a number in the keypad.

“Ms. Dreyse? Yes, he’s here. No, our Recruiter’s little friend,” the man paused, “He’ll be on his way.”

He disconnected the phone and resumed his typing completely ignoring Eren yet again.

Eren was at an impasse. He could leave which would be the most intelligent and probably safest option, _but then again_ he would leave with curiosity gnawing away at his sanity. The people here knew him which already raised enough red flags as it was. _But_ Annie came here, voluntarily and safe—pissed albeit, but safe nevertheless. If Annie thought it harmless to come here, obviously frequently, then Eren should be fine. Well, he hoped.

Then again he was the infamous suicidal bastard. Fucking Jean. Eren cleared his thoughts of friends and focused on the objective he had in mind.

The secretary’s eyes flicked back to Eren as expressionless as before.  Eren started to wonder if he had a major case bi-polar disorder. _Who the hell is so chipper one moment and then practically a doppelganger of Levi? Heh, maybe he’s Levi’s cousin._

The man gave him a look that said ‘why are you still here?’ and Eren hurried to walk past him. He walked up a flight of large stairs. He looked around the new environment wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into.

There was the tapping of heels on tile and then there was a woman in front of him with pinned back brown hair and a tablet in hand.

“Eren Jaeger? Come with me.”

Eren swallowed the knot in his throat and nodded. The woman led him down a series of halls before she stopped in a waiting room. She turned around her face blank of all emotion. Eren started to wonder if everyone in this place were actually robots. “I will let her know you’re here,” and then she disappeared behind closed doors.

Eren stood awkwardly before he sat in a chair and waited. _Who was the woman everyone spoke of? It’s not Annie…I think. Why would Annie be waiting for me?_

Nothing made sense and he didn’t even know why he was here.

Eren tapped his leg nervously and was about to leave thinking this entire situation was way too idiotic and he’d much rather be home reading Levi’s books, when the door was pushed open.

The woman was back this time smiling.

“She’ll see you now.”

\--

The twins pushed past Grisha easily and walked into his home. They looked around the place, hands placed behind their backs before they turned to face their target.

Grisha stood by the still opened door his bottom jaw practically hitting the floor. He was obviously confused which only irritated the boys; they didn’t like dumb targets. It took all the fun out of it; made it too…easy.

“How do you two dare come barging into my home—

Josh cut off  the red-faced, fuming man with a pointed finger. He snorted. “Your home? Last time I checked your home is in Westchester, New York with your two loving children.”

“No, no brother, remember he was run out of town by the police. He couldn’t possibly go back _home_.” Thierry interjected.

A look of Eureka crossed Josh’s face. “Ah, that’s right.”

Josh picked up a book from a shelf and thumbed through it. “Yes, you’ve been a very bad man and you see we don’t like bad people. Do we brother?”

Thierry frowned. “Of course not and neither does Hitch.”

A look of horror replaced the confusion on Grisha’s face.

“It seems you’ve already been acquainted with our lovely boss.” Thierry grinned. This was just starting to get good and the fun hadn’t even started yet.

“Then you know why we’re here don’t you?” Thierry continued as Josh put his book down. “Time for a little history.”

The twins simultaneously pulled out their favorite daggers from the belts of their pants. Twiddling in their fingers, fear glinted off the silver.   

Grisha backed into the corner and made a mad dash up the stairs. Thierry rolled his eyes, “What a bore.”

“So predictable,” Josh finished. The two brothers ascended the stairs hunting down their prey.

\--

Eren got up, stumbling of course, and followed the lady into the room. Half the walls in the room were window that looked out over the city; a beautiful view really. Realization set in. Eren shouldn’t be here not just because it was creepy and clearly not safe no matter how much he was trying to convince himself of this. Eren—the type of person he was, relatively mediocre in every aspect and from not exactly a wealthy background shouldn’t belong inside this place, corporation, industry, whatever. It made him incredibly uncomfortable.

Then Eren realized the commotion around him.

“What is he doing here!?”

“Darling you knew he would join us eventually.”

“No he wasn’t supposed to. You said you wouldn’t. You promised.”

Eren looked at the woman Annie was arguing with. She was pretty with bouncy, curly blonde hair and a petite frame but her eyes held not a single shred of kindness. It made Eren’s skin crawl.

“Annie you should know by now that promises are only good for one thing and that’s for them to be broken,” she smiled wickedly and turned to Eren. “Come here; let me get a good look at you.” She motioned for Eren to come closer.

Eren shuffled past Annie, ignoring her frantic behavior. The woman leaned in her chair to peer at Eren in a way that made him feel naked under her gaze.

“Hitch how do you expect him to join us if you scare him away first? Look at him he’s practically shit himself or pissed himself. Or both. A two in one combo.” Eren turned to the sarcastic voice to see it was the same girl Annie had been talking to outside the bar. She was lithe, tall, dark and freckled; and apparently liked bathroom jokes. She and Levi would get along.

The woman—Hitch waved the girl’s comment off. “Nonsense. I’ve gone through Hell and back to get him here.” She got out of her chair and walked over to Eren.

She grabbed Eren’s face. “Hi sweetie. I am Hitch Dreyse and I have been dying to meet you, but our friend,” she turned to Annie, “has been hesitant.”

“Eren, don’t listen to her. You can’t be here—why are you even here?!” Annie was fuming with rage.

“He was going to find himself here eventually. Call it fate.” Hitch placed her hand on Eren’s shoulder.

Eren went stiff under her touch. He stared at Annie and wondered what exactly this place was and why Annie had tried so hard to shield him from it.

Her eyes begged him for something—of something and he wanted to complete their demand but he felt himself drawn to Hitch’s words instead.

She smiled angelically at him, her eyes gleaming maliciously. “I have a proposition for you.”

\--

A scream tore through the air as silver sank into flesh, spilling a beautiful bright red.

Thierry rolled his eyes as he shifted his weight on the man’s body pressing into the newly formed wound in his shoulder. “You’re so rude honestly. We were right in the middle of telling you our story.”

Another throat tearing scream was heard and with it came a severed thumb. Josh did the same to other all the while humming to his favorite tune.

“I guess I’ll tell it now. You see we’ve always been what you would call troublesome kids. Never had good grades or anything but I guess you could blame our parents considering we didn’t have any. Then one day I was in my Aunt’s backyard and you could imagine the look on my face when I caught my brother skinning a cat alive. It was marvelous really. The thing was yowling and hissing; it was a miracle no one else heard it.” Thierry sat down next to Grisha’s head and waved the knife around.

“But we grew bored when there were no more pets around so we moved on to bigger and better things. Our Aunt, poor woman always felt responsible for us, she got on our case constantly—

—Eat your vegetables! Go to school! Stop stealing the razor blades!” Josh chimed in, a nostalgic smile playing at his lips.

Thierry laughed and continued with his story. “Yes you see she was a dreadful woman and we loved her very much so we did want any good nephews would and we put her out of her misery.”

“She was always watching us. So nosy,” Thierry traced the blade under Grisha’s fear-ridden eye. “So naturally we went for her eyes first.” There was a rapid movement and a flash of metal before the knife was plunged into his right eye. Grisha screamed and struggled and blood seeped out of his eye and tears out the other. The eyeball twitched with the blade sunk in it causing a rather grotesque scene that the twins took much pride in.

He started to sob; how pathetic. Josh pinned him down tighter.

“Obviously, we were in a mess one too difficult for fourteen year-olds to clean up, but we had a very loving friend who cleared it up for us and took us under her wind.”

Grisha let out a choked breath. “W-Why are you d-doing this?”

Josh frowned.

“Hitch doesn’t like how you’ve been treating Eren and Eren is very important to us, so you could see why you have become quite problematic to us.” Thierry wiped the blood of his knife on the fabric of Grisha’s shirt.

Josh sighed and locked eyes with his target. “We love Hitch very much and we’d do anything for her.”

“Even if it means killing for her,” the Santino twins recited.

Grisha Jaeger was not sparred time for last words before his throat was slit and his sins spilled out in a rivulet of blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ho Ho Ho. I know what can I say Karma's a bitch. Did anyone notice how the Network's alias is Trost Industry and Grisha worked at Trost Medical Research Center? Hmm something to think about. Ah the fresh smell of a new arc c:


	20. the Network

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Hitch became a part of the Network

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've been gone for a while-like a month *laughs nervously* I honestly have no excuse besides writer's block *shakes fist like an angry old man* to make up for it I FINALLY wrote the chapter for the Network and I did a lil' something something extra (literally just smut) for you guys, god knows you deserve it! You'll have to go read it on my page because my links are being buttholes and won't work recently. Thanks so much for waiting and reading this! Enjoy~

 

A stack of papers was slammed onto the table in front of her, causing the young girl to flinch. Mrs. Lox paced behind her desk before she leaned over it, her long lanky arms spread across the surface. She loomed over the blonde girl.

“Why?”

Hitch simply shrugged in response. It was obviously not the answer her social worker had been looking for. Mrs. Lox exhaled deeply and fell back into her unnecessarily large office chair. She dragged the yellow file closer to herself and opened it, staring down at it as if it was the bane of her existence. 

“A runaway with, three charges of vandalism, four suspensions, one expulsion,” Mrs. Lox read from the file in a condescending voice.  “Charged with assault against an 11 year-old boy and false accusation of child abuse against your last foster father. All done by a ten year-old little girl.” Mrs. Lox looked up from the folder and slid it across the table after turning it upside down so Hitch could read.

She pointed at a number next to the words: previous foster homes.

“What does that say?”

Hitch narrowed her eyes in contempt and spat out the number, “14.”

“Fourteen. Fourteen different homes in less than ten years. That’s a record there, kid.” Mrs. Lox shook her head in disbelief.

“So?” Hitch asked mockingly.

Her social worker pointed her finger at her. “You see that! That’s exactly why nobody wants to foster you let alone adopt you.” She said the word ‘adopt’ like it was the funniest damn thing she’d ever heard.

“Who said I wanted to be adopted?” Hitch scowled and crossed her arms.

Mrs. Lox gave her an odd look. “Don’t you want a family?”

“I’ve never needed one.”

\--

Hitch coughed into her hand, depositing a grotesque mixture of mucus and blood. She leaned her body against the cold stone of an alleyway and waited.

It took 15 minutes before she decided to call him. He picked up on the third ring.

“You need to stop calling me,” the hiss came from the other side of the line.

“I thought we were going to meet, like usual.”

“I told you I’m done with this and I’m done with you. So stop calling me.”

“Please, Donny, you don’t mean that.” She whined.

“Hitch, it’s over. _We_ are over, and I’m done dealing to you too.”

“Baby, come on, don’t do this to me.”

“Get yourself together you’re ruining your life; you’re ruining _my life_ ,” there was a pause, “I don’t want to see you again and I don’t want you to call this number anymore Hitch.”

Anger rose through her system. “Fuck you, Donny! I loved you! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Go die you piece of shit!”

There was an angry growl. “Goodbye, Hitch.”

“No, no please baby. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll get better, I can fix this we can fix this.”

“No we can’t.”

“Fine. Then give me something to go off on, you can’t just rip me off.”

“No.”

“Tell me you dealer at least!” She pleaded desperately.

“Goodbye, Hitch.” The phone disconnected.

“No, no, no, no, no. No!” Tears collected in her eyes.

How dare he? How could he do this to her? She gave him everything, everything she had and he left. He left and took away what she needed most in the world. Probably made profit off of it too. It was her money, her coke.

Her coke. Her coke. Her coke.

She yelled in exasperation and threw her phone at the wall. “Fuck.”

A sob ripped out of her as her back hit the wall and she slid to the ground in a pathetic heap of tears.

\--

The sound of city traffic woke her up from her slumber. Her stomach churned in hunger and craving; her skin was damp with sweat. She stumbled off of the futon of her apartment and made her way into the closet-sized bathroom.

She turned the faucet on and splashed water in her face, relishing in the cool feeling it left on her flesh. She gripped the sides of the sink and looked in the mirror.

Her hair was matted in knots that ran down to her waist and there were dark bags under her sunken eyes that held a million sleepless nights. Her cheekbones jutted out of her face like they were trying to escape the confinements of her skin. 

She patted her head and inspected the knots. There was no way to brush through them, so there was only one option left. She rummaged through the drawers until she found a pair of scissors.

She held her hair in one hand and the scissors in the other and started going at it until she stood in the middle of a pile of limp dead hair.

It cut right above her jaw; a length she had never tried out before.

A sharp knock snapped her out of her reverie.

She stumbled across the room to the door. She reached for the door knob before she stopped and stepped back.

No one came around her place without calling first.

She looked through the peep hole. Outside stood a lean man in a suit and tie. She stepped away from the door in unease. 

Why would a guy like that come to a place like this? And why to Hitch’s specifically?

There was another impatient knock causing Hitch to open the door without a second thought.

The man smiled as if he was almost surprised there was anybody home.

“Hello Ms. Dreyse. My names Nile Dok and I was wondering if I could offer you a position at my company.”

\--

“Don’t be so nervous, you’ll just make it worse for yourself.”

Hitch glared at the silver haired boy in irritation. _“Don’t be nervous”._ What kind of fucked up advice is that; of course she was nervous. This was the first time she was handling drugs since being clean; albeit, it was for completely different purposes this time around. Still, the thought of the cool texture of a package beneath her fingertips made her hands twitch slightly.

“Shut up. That’s easy for you to say,” she huffed, completely disregarding her usual detached façade.

Boris’s eyes wrinkled at the corners much like they would when someone smiles too big for their face to handle, except he wasn’t even smiling. “Just do everything you were taught.” He opened the car door for Hitch and was about to close it before he paused. “You’ll do fine.” His lips curved slightly and he had a look on his face that seemed out of place: affection.

Hitch could feel the heat rising to her face as she nodded and closed the door.

\--

The entire ride Hitch’s fingers where tapping along the steering wheel to the tune of her heightened nerves.

There were so many things that could go wrong on this trade and this time she was on her own. She was constantly looking in the rear-view mirror in paranoia that someone would be following her. She made a couple of detours around the area to make sure there weren’t any cops near on duty. There weren’t so she had no choice but to follow through with the plan.

She pulled into an empty lot and drove into the opening of a building. Inside there was another car. Her fingers curled around the steering wheel as she watched two men walk out of the car, both carrying firearm.  She shook her head once she remembered that she too was armed. 

She took a deep breath and did her best to collect herself.

Stepping out of the car she walked halfway to meet the two men.

One of them chuckled. “So you’re the pretty little thing we’ve been hearing so much about.” Hitch gritted her teeth in annoyance.

The other one grinned. “Be careful, Art. If she leaves here pissed, Nile might just gut us.”

Hitch smiled sweetly. “Silly boys, why would you wait for Nile when I can deliver the same quicker?”   

The two men laughed at that and nodded at Hitch as if they had taken a liking to her.

“K’ pretty doll, let’s get to business.” _Thank god._ Hitch moved to the car and started dismantling the extra wheel on the back revealing the spiral of packaging that ringed the inside of it. She did the same to the rest of the wheels and then walked to passenger door and swung it open. She kneeled inside and tapped the roof with her knuckles, searching for the hollow sound. Once she found it she peeled back the material and out came dozens of thin white packages.

She stepped back and leaned on the car, a smug grin on her face. One of the men let out a low whistle in astonishment.

“Whose idea was this?”

“Mine,” replied Hitch complacently. The men gave her an approving look before they collected all the packages and loaded them into their car. The one that she recalled being called Art handed her a black briefcase, and with that Hitch had successfully completed her first drug trade.

\--

Hitch looked down at the sandwich in front of her—if you could call it a sandwich. She had never seen such a pretty sandwich; how could sandwiches even be pretty?

There was a low chuckle from across the table and Hitch realized she had actually voiced her thoughts. Her face burned bright.

“I’m glad you are satisfied with the food.” Nile leaned back into the booth. They began to eat in silence which soon bored Hitch into asking questions.

She started with the basics. “How old are you?”

“42.” Nile replied instantly.

“You have a family? Wife and kids the whole shabam?”

Nile fiddled with the cuffs on his sleeves. “Yes.” He seemed more reluctant to answer this time.

“How long have you been doing this,” Hitch waved her hands around to try and get her point across.

Nile smiled. “Since I was around your age.”

“So 19? Does that mean you didn’t go to college?” Hitch tilted her head comically. She had always assumed Nile had gone to college. Maybe it was because he held that prestigious aura.

Nile shook his head. “Why are you so curious all of the sudden?”

Hitch shrugged. “Guess I just don’t know you that well.”

Nile pushed his plate towards Hitch. She had already finished her own and was still hungry.

“What do you want to know?”

 Hitch bit into the leftover of Nile’s food and contemplated thoroughly what she would ask.

“How’d you become…top dog of this place?” Hitch struggled to find the correct words which only served to amuse Nile.

Nile smiled at Hitch—his beady eyes staring straight through her. “Well, as you know I never attended university. That was because my father immediately recruited me into Trost; had groomed me for the position from a young age.”

Nile had drifted off in thought so Hitch decided to coax him into continuing. “He wanted you to replace him? Like an heir?”

Nile pressed his lips into a thin line. “Not exactly. My father never wanted me to replace him; he wanted someone to fall back on, someone he could trust, if things went—

“—to shit,” Hitch finished for him. Nile’s eyes flicked upward; he didn’t look too happy for Hitch to interrupt him. _Oh god he’s that type of guy._

“Yes…anyway, I was more useful to him as a puppet, someone he could easily control,” Nile sipped at his coffee, “He was wrong.”

Hitch shot him a confused look and waited for him to further explain.

“There is only one way to gain this position, Hitch.”

Hitch leaned forward and Nile leaned back.

“To eliminate whoever you must replace.”

\--

Hitch plopped down into a recliner and opened the book she had picked randomly from Nile’s shelf. She had been spending an awful lot of time with him. She told herself it was because he took a liking to her and wanted to help—that he pitied her or something, but she couldn’t deny the lingering touches or stares he left.

She threw her legs over the side of the chair and flipped through the pages; her body was completely aware of every placement Nile was in whenever he moved around the room silently.

A hand rested on her shoulder and the although there was a layer of clothing separating the two, it felt as if some creature was crawling up her skin. She moved quickly from underneath his touch and nonchalantly walked to the bookshelf again.

“The book didn’t meet your expectations?”

“I’ve already read it.”

Hitch skimmed he fingers over the spines of the books, casting her attention away from Nile.

“Do you remember what I told you about my father?”

Hitch hummed. “That you killed him?”

There was a pause before Nile let out the fakest laugh Hitch had ever heard. “Yes.”

“What about it?”

Hitch’s roaming hand stilled on the wooden shelf as she heard the familiar sounds of Nile’s shoes connecting with the floor. A hand snaked around her waist, making her instinctually clench her abdomen.

Her breath tethered to the back of her throat as he leaned into to her.

“There are other ways to gain power,” his breath was hot and damp on her temple making her want to squirm out of his grasp but she forced herself to stay still.

She knew exactly the methods he spoke of, and if that’s what she had to do in order to satisfy her megalomaniac self then done it shall be.

\--

Hitch systematically typed information into her phone and then pocketed the device. She turned to walk back into the Network, but was blocked by a very bothersome existence.

Boris locked eyes with her. “Are you okay?”

Hitch looked around him as if he was an obstacle and then gave him a queer look. “What? Yes, of course get out of the way.”

Boris raised an eyebrow—probably from her defying her superior. “Hitch,” he gripped both of her arms to stabilize her. “You’ve been out of it lately.”

Hitch gave him a stare one that was hard to decipher but it was enough for him to let her go.

She pushed passed him and into the familiar building. She walked by the secretary giving her a quick glance before walking up the stairs and past another set of doors. She was about to walk into Nile’s office when a hand was pushed in front of her.

Hitch glared at the _thing_ that the appendage was attached to. She stepped back and gave him her most plastered smile.

“Is there something wrong?”

The stoic man dropped his arm. “Mr. Dok has requested a new security system. Un-identified people, members of Trost or not, are not allowed behind these doors.”

Hitch scoffed. “Why? He’s paranoid someone’s going to steal his book collection?”

There was a hint of amusement on the man’s face before it was quickly replaced with a mask of solemnity. “Scan your print.”

Hitch stepped towards the contraption and scanned her thumb. When the machine beeped the man steeped away from the door to let her through.

“Bye-bye doorman,” Hitch quickly patted the man’s back roughly and skipped into the office before he could retaliate.

The room was empty and a sense of relief flooded through her. She quickly made her way to the desk and logged on to the computer. She had been stuck in that room so many times that she had already memorized the movement of his fingers on the keypad by the second day. She checked his email: two new emails.

She clicked on the last one; it was the record of her fingerprint. “Won’t be needing that,” she deleted the email and refreshed the page.

 **1 new message** —Finger scan of Trost employee, Boris…

“Won’t need what?”

Hitch jumped in place and cursed under breath. “You want to give me a heart attack while you’re at it?”

Boris didn’t answer. Hitch leaned against the desk much like Nile would when he was exasperated with her and looked at Boris squarely.

Boris leaned against the doorway. “You haven’t been the same recently.” He didn’t even mention catching Hitch snooping around Nile’s office.

“You’re still on about that?” Hitch plopped herself in the armchair like she always did and waited for Boris to leave or at least sit down. He didn’t do either. Hitch laid back and let out an annoyed yowl.

“Hitch if something’s wrong I want you to tell me.”

Hitch’s head shot up to glare at the silver-haired boy. “Nothing’s wrong and if they were then why would I tell you?” Boris chewed at his lower lip something Hitch had never seen him do.

“Because I care about you.”

Hitch chortled loudly. “As if anyone cares about me!”

Boris knitted his eyebrows together. “Oh, really? What about Nile? He seems to be quite infatuated with you.”

Hitch raised her eyebrows in surprise. “That sick bastard just wants to fuck me.”

Boris’s face blanked. “Did he do something to you? Did he touch you?” And suddenly the prodding boy was in her face examining her bruised arms.

Hitch yanked her arms away once she saw the dark look on Boris’s face. There was a pregnant pause.

“He did, didn’t he?” It was barely a whisper, but it made Hitch want to yank her heart out of her chest.

“Hitch—

“So what?! Why do you care?!” Hitch screamed in fury.

“Because I care about you!” Boris yelled back.

Hitch scowled and got up to walk around the chair. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Not as long as I get what I want.”

“And what’s that? What’s worth letting him-letting him rape you?!”

Hitch skimmed her fingers over the back of the chair. “Power.”

She didn’t need to look at Boris to see the disgust on his face. “Is it worth it?”

Hitch looked up at him in all honesty. “Yes.”

\--

The college was small and simply irritating to Hitch. She moved through the crowds and tried to find a corner that was empty and vacant. Eventually she did. She sat down and rubbed at her eyes.

Why was she here?

Oh, yes because of Nile. He thought it would be a good idea to have someone recruiting and selling at the local college. She just so happened to fit the college student profile.

“First day?”

Hitch turned her head to the voice. There on the other side of the empty hallway was a boy with long black hair and black jeans. It seemed odd: the attire, considering it was close to summer. He was smoking, letting the smoke accumulate near a vent, but he looked like he needed more than just a cigarette to satisfy his hunger.

“You want a hit?” She asked pulling out a small bag.

He had a calculating look on his face before he smirked and nodded.

“Name’s Hitch. Yours?”

He glanced at her. “Levi.”

\--

Hitch sighed and threw her jacket on her couch. She didn’t even bother turning the lights on before she collapsed on the futon and dug her phone out of her pocket.

**2 new messages.**

**Boris** [ _9:34pm_ ] **:** Can I talk to you? I’m really sorry abou…

 **Nile** [ _7:56pm_ ] **:** Come to my office tonight.

She squinted at the messages and hit the call button.

“Hitch?”

“Hi.”

There was a relieved sigh. “Can I talk to you in person?”

“Yes.”

Hitch exchanged her address with Boris and waited for him to arrive.

She had never felt so exhausted in her life. Between the constant dealings, appointments, and late-night meetings with Nile she hadn’t had time alone. She wasn’t sure she wanted any. Now all the waves of sadness and anger were coming in tsunamis and she wanted nothing more than to crawl into a ball and die.

She had wanted this. She had wanted this power, this position, this life. 

She had wanted it.

Did she?

_“Is it worth it?”_

_“What’s worth letting him-letting him rape you?!”_

_“Is it worth it?”_

Was it?

_“You know you want this.”_

_Hitch gasped in pain. Tears welled in her eyes. “P-please sto..plea-se stop.”_

_Agony shot up her spine as she felt her insides stabbed, her walls stretched, the muscle torn. A scream ripped out of her as she felt the trickles of blood seep down her thighs._

_“You asked for this.”_

_“You wanted this.”_

There was a loud knock and it took another even louder one for Hitch to realize someone was at the door. She got up and wiped her wet eyes before she opened the door.

Boris stood there. His silver-white hair was disheveled as if he had stumbled out of bed; it was almost midnight.

Hitch stared at him for a long time before he opened his mouth to speak. “Hitch I’m so sorry tha—

Hitch pulled him into a kiss, their teeth clinking together from the rough impact. It took Boris a second to reciprocate the kiss. He placed his timed hands at the small of her back and pulled her into a hug. Hitch gasped out of the kiss.

Boris was hugging her.

The feeling of being held in safe arms was too much for her to handle; the tidal waves were too strong for the dam to hold back.

She grasped at the back of his shirt and sobbed into his shoulder.

She never wanted him to let go—to have to step out of his embrace, and she didn’t. That night she slept in his warmth happy for once.

\--

A week later Hitch finally dragged herself back into the Trost building. A yawn ripped out of her as she opened the glass door. She should’ve had stronger coffee this morning; what she had would not be enough to propel her through the day.

She was about to pass the front desk when the secretary stood up abruptly.

“Ms. Dreyse,” Hitch looked over at her in shock. The secretary wore a sad face. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Hitch knitted her in confusion. “What?”

The secretary’s eyes widened. “You didn’t hear?” She frowned deeply. “Boris Feulner passed away last night.”

\--

Hitch ran down the hall, running faster than she had in the longest time.

Agony coursed through her chest making it difficult for her to hold back the sobs.

She knew who was responsible for this and she was going to make him pay.

She ran past the doorman and completely disregarded the new security system. She threw the doors open and stomped inside the office.

Nile looked up from his computer and smiled at Hitch. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Hitch heaved angrily. “You killed him didn’t you?”

Nile cocked his head to the side comically. “I’m not sure what you speak of.”

“Boris! You murdered Boris!”

“Ah, him,” Nile crossed his legs. “Mr. Feulner was getting to comfortable with his co-workers here.”

“You killed him because you were…jealous??!” Hitch clenched her hands into fists.

Nile chuckled slightly. “Why would I be jealous, little girl? I already own you.”

Hitch gaped in disbelief. She didn’t know what to do or what to say. She had no plan when she came in here; she could do nothing.

It all felt too surreal, as if her world and everything she knew was collapsing down around her.

“Why would you care so much about a vermin anyway?” Hitch could hear the smile in Nile’s voice.

She looked up at him and locked eyes. “Because I love him.”

Nile’s face shifted and then he pressed the button on the intercom. “Get this girl out of my office, now.”

It took about another minute before Hitch was being pulled out of the room shrieking.

“How could you?! How could you do this to me- to him? I love him! I love him!” Tears ran down her wet cheeks. Nile got up and followed them across the room as Hitch did her best to kick and scratch her way out of the iron grips of the security men.

She growled like a wild animal once they were outside the office.

Nile smiled at her as he closed the doors to his office. “Past tense, darling. _Loved—_ you loved the dead boy.”

\--

Hitch balanced herself on the curb of the sidewalk. She wondered if the wind was strong enough to blow here away. She wished it was.

“Hitch!”

She turned around. _Boris._

But it wasn’t him. It was Levi, the boy from college.

“Hey,” he smiled at her. She tried her best to smile back but they both knew it wasn’t real.

“Are you going inside too?” He motioned to the movie theater.

Hitch shook her head and then for a moment she thought he might ask her to go with him anyway but then he was tugged along by someone else.

“Oh, this is my girlfriend Petra and my sister Isabel.” Hitch stared at the honey haired woman then the green eyed girl that clutched to Levi. Hitch felt her heart clench painfully.

She had nothing; she had no one—unlike him. She didn’t even _have him;_ she was just his dealer. But Levi had a sister probably a loving family too, and a pretty girlfriend. He had a good happy life, aside from his addiction. He had the life she always wanted.

“This is my friend Hitch.” Levi introduced her.

“Are you going to watch, Blackwater, too?” The green eyed girl asked excitedly.

Hitch blinked. “No.” She looked at Levi, “I should go.” Then she turned around and continued to walk on the curb wondering if the wind was strong enough to blow her away.

\--

**Hitch:**

_Meet me at your office in an hour._

Hitch pulled a long jacket over her lingerie and stepped into long sleek black heels. She looked at herself in the mirror.

She took a deep breath. “You can do this,” she told herself.

_I can do this._

She took one more glance at herself before she slipped the vile in her pocket and walked out of her apartment.

\--

When Nile arrived to his office Hitch was already sitting in his chair waiting. She had her legs crossed and her jacket open revealing her black, laced underwear underneath, and two glasses of scotch layed before her.

She smiled at Nile taking pride in the effect she already had on him.

Nile walked over to her and was about to lean down to kiss her when Hitch pressed her heel to his chest restricting him from coming any closer.

“We’re going to talk first.” Nile’s jaw tensed but he stepped away and sat across from her.

He leaned back in his chair like he always did. “I have to say you do look good in that chair.”

Hitch smiled wickedly. “Really? I think so too.” She handed his drink to him and took her own.

He took a sip before he licked his lips. “What did you wish to speak of?”

Hitch opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted. “Make it quick.”

She gritted her teeth, but smiled anyway. Nile set down his drink, already half empty.

“There’s something you told me that I’ll never forget.”

Nile cocked his head and waited for her to elaborate.

“It was when I had just joined and we went to that diner—you remember?” She leaned into the desk chair. “And you were telling me all these things about yourself like how you’re married and have kids.”

She brought the drink to her lips and smiled as Nile coughed lightly into his hand, his face beginning to turn red.

“You said _“There is only one way to gain this position: to eliminate whoever you must replace”._ And it took me a while to understand why anyone would want to do such a thing just to be in charge of this place and then I realized: it’s all about the power. That’s when I fully understood what you meant.”

Nile continued to cough spraying bright red all over his hands and the white desk. Blood trickled down his cheeks in the form of tears. He fell out of his chair, “Y-you drug-ged me…”

Hitch laughed. “No of course not, Nile. I would never kill you. I am only being promoted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmk lets discuss this for a momento: Boris, my baby, is an actual existent snk character- yeah he's in Annie's and Hitch's squad and most importantly he haS WHITE HAIR why aren't we freaking out about this? Where is he even in the show? Probably dead considering he has white hair. Anyhow, I wanted to show that Hitch isn't completely 1 dimensional and pure evil [but that opinion may change in the future] ok.  
> Don't forget to check out the extra chapter I wrote for Eren and Levi on my page :)


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